The Remains of 1989

DEEP in the musty catacombs of the Skull and Bones mausoleum, beneath the deteriorated remains and cufflinks of William Buckley, a rat raced over a stack of crumbling copies of the Yale Daily News. The top copy, the 1989 Year in Review/Swimsuit issue, was knocked off and opened to the comics page. Scrawled into the margins with the blood of nubile young oarsmen was a list of the secret cabal's top news events of the year. The Crimson's crack squad of investigative reporters/archaeologists, fresh from a screening of "Rambo XXIII: Rambo Meets Indiana Jones" starring Mike Tyson Jr. and Ron Reagan III, happened upon the site. They were able to salvage the following fragments for their readers.

January 31

The day before the Harvard semester begins, computer hacker Robert T. Morris '87-'88 breaks into the registration files and red dots the entire student population.

February 6

President Derek Bok announces his intention to serve as Secretary of Labor in the Bush Administration, insisting that the three days a week he will spend in Washington will not detract from his ability to perform the duties of Harvard's presidency. "Anything Graham Allison can do, I can do better," he tells the Harvard Gazette.

February 7

Vice President and General Counsel and Official Pointman and Union Candy Store Manager Daniel Steiner '54 takes on responsibility for approving tenure, selecting deans, greeting foreign diplomats and ingratiating himself with freshmen at Dean Moses' weekly teas. He denies that the additional responsibilities are an attempt to relieve President Bok's workload, explaining that he merely had to fill extra free time now that the anti-union drive is over.

February 11

In order to counter the University's celebrity-laden slate for the Board of Overseers, the Harvard-Radcliffe Alumni/ae Against Apartheid nominates Jack Lemmon '47, Talking Heads keyboardist Jerry Harrison '70 and folksinger Tom Rush '63. Michael S. Dukakis (Law School '60) attempts to place himself on the ballot as a write-in candidate, however he cannot find the requisite 293 alumni to recognize him.

February 14

President Bush, in a gesture of Valentine's Day spirit, announces that he will personally adopt all unborn, unaborted children, of all races, even the "little brown ones." He tells the nation, "I want to be like George Washington, the Father of My Country. Besides," he adds, "Barbara loves kids."

February 21

The Law School dean search continues, garnering mention for its longevity in the Guinness Book of World Records. Honorable mentions are given to the Kennedy School dean search and Radcliffe president search.

March 1

In a new twist to the housing lottery system, freshmen are all assigned to rooms in William James Hall. Assistant Dean for the House System Thomas A. Dingman '67 assures the Committee on House Life, "It's o.k. None of them were here last year, so they don't know about the asbestos."

March 11

Joseph P. Kennedy II announces his candidacy for the Cambridge City Council in hopes of being the first seasoned politician to garner the mayoral seat and the governorship of Massachusetts at the same time. In a related event, Robert Healy is appointed city manager for life.

March 15

In anticipation of Spring Break, hundreds of reservations have been sent to the vacant lot on Mass Ave. where Harvard plans to build what it has advertised as a "sunny resort hotel." The Elks Club of Grand Forks, North Dakota and the I Tapa Keg Fraternity of the University of Anchorage are disappointed to find that they have been turned down by the management in favor of a delegation from Luxembourg--consisting of the country's entire population--which will be hosted by the Harvard Model Nuclear Superpower Conference in 1991.

March 20

Harvard's hockey team advances to the NCAA finals against Michigan State. A freak accident involving a drunken Zamboni driver and five upperclassmen in bunny suits leaves the starting line-ups of both teams unable to compete.

March 22

Hundreds of students sign up for pre-vacation plagiarism courses sponsored by Harvard Student Agencies. For a fee of $45, including drinks in the last session (with valid i.d.), students learn how to plagiarize more effectively without getting caught. Former head of McLean Hospital Shervert Frazier serves as special guest lecturer.

March 27

The Harvard and Michigan State hockey teams meet for a rematch only to find that the Undergraduate Council has scheduled an Iron Maiden concert in Bright Arena for the same evening.

April 1

Harvard administrators sit down with Harvard Union of Clerical and Technical Workers leaders to embark on contract negotiations. Suddenly, Harvard announces pay increases, a new network of child care facilities and fair job classifications for all support staff. The union negotiators eagerly sign the contract, before the Harvard officials get a chance to utter, "April Fools!"

April 9

On the 20th anniversary of the student takeover of University Hall, the Conservative Club comandeers the Business School's Baker Library demanding admission to Goldman Sachs' two-year analyst training program. After an unexpected scuffle over transcript files erupts, Harvard police fax the protestors a memo urging them to stop the violence. The demonstrators finally agree to leave the building in exchange for the restoration of ROTC on campus and the Pledge of Allegiance made mandatory at the beginning of each class.

April 20

In a suprise move, all nine final clubs agree to admit women to their current facilities. In a subsequent statement, the clubs' counsel Melvin Belli announces their hostile takeover of the Charles Hotel and plan to move all offices and open bars into their new headquarters. Radcliffe College, which has already started using the old club buildings as offices, is startled to find itself responsible for $300,000 in newly increased taxes on the club properties, which lost their tax easement privileges when the men moved out.

May 4

As the Core Curriculum marks its 10th year, professors of Core courses hold a colloquium on paper extensions, lotteries and pushy brown-nosers who frequent office hours--and decide that these traits should be officially incorporated into the Core's philosophy. An 11th division called "Modes of Inquiry" is created to foster these qualities in Harvard academic life.

May 17

On the first anniversary of the Harvard Union of Clerical and Technical Workers victory, administrators and union officials come to the table again. "This time it's for real," says Thayer H. Cabot Jr., director of the Anti-Union Relations Hit Squad, which replaced the former personnel office after the April 1 incident. T. H. Cabot lays out the University's new benefit package--privileges on the Villa I Tatti golf course in Florence, Italy and reduced health care costs at University Health Services.

June 8

After the administration promises all 25,000 Commencement guests that this year's ceremonies would not be rained out, snow that SASC members had covertly prevented from falling all winter is unleashed upon the crowd. SASC said the chill in University attitudes toward divestment inspired this protest strategy, though a small faction of SASC members declines to participate due to the fact that all of the snow is white. Barbara Bush nevertheless gives an impassioned Commencement address about "A Thousand Point Spread" in the next Harvard-Yale Game, due to her husband's refusal to set foot in "that liberal boutique."

June 9

In the site of the former gelato/hot dog/bagel store on Mt. Auburn St., a new clothing store opens, calling itself "That Liberal Boutique." Grand opening ceremonies feature pork rinds and pate. Business soars due to the proximity of Eliot House.

June 29

Harvard Real Estate reveals that its plan to build a hotel on Mass Ave. is only the first step toward turning the campus and Harvard Square into a giant theme park. "We've already got the cobblestone sidewalks, an exciting ride below the street, a pastel-colored information booth and a pool of 6500 eager, clean-cut part-time workers to staff it," officials say. Plans are in the works for Michael Jackson to film a 3-D promotional spot for "Six Flags Over Harvard."

July 4

Drug Czar William Bennett commemorates Independence Day by exploding 1604 kilos of confiscated drugs over the Washington Monument instead of fireworks. When the smoke clears, it is discovered that President Bush has painted the White House in day-glo paisley, and the Pentagon has given out free chemical weapon souvenirs to tourists. D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is found wandering dazed through the downtown streets, but no one finds that out of the ordinary.

July 17

Harvard finally announces its selection for Law School dean and manages to fill the spot with a female minority. "I'm looking forward to the new post," says Matina S. Horner, who is Greek.

July 28

New Board of Overseers member John Lithgow '67 announces plans to film the deliberations of the board for a poignant three-part television mini-series. Lithgow will star as a member who is silenced for his proposal of divestment from companies that dump sewage into Boston Harbor, and Fred Grandy '70 will portray the stern President Bok in the film, to be called, "Divestment Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry."

August 3

Pornography protestors bomb the site of shut-down Maven's Deli, owned by Penthouse columnist and Harvard civil libertarian Alan M. Dershowitz. They are featured on Nightline when Dershowitz sues them for $21,000 in leftover pastrami costs. But he reminds Ted Koppel, "I still defend their right to free expression."

August 14

Harvard Management Company dissolves after a bungled attempt to double the University's $4 billion endowment by spending it all on MegaBucks tickets. Money management efforts are turned over to Donald Trump in exchange for renaming two graduate schools, the Trump School of Business Ethics and the Ivana Trump School of Tasteful Design.

August 28

As the beginning of school nears, the Harvard faculty brainstorms new courses that won't be too taxing on students or the teaching fellows assigned to devise the curricula: "Class Struggles in the Saturday Morning Cartoon", nicknamed "Pee Wee's Politburo;" "Your Friend the Immune System," otherwise known as "Cells are Swell" and "The Concept of Adonis in Southern California Beach Volleyball"--nicknamed "California Coolers."

September 1

In a bold move, Harvard offers all 3400 support staff tenure, thus solving simultaneously the contract issues and problems of female underrepresentation on the faculty.

September 5

President Bush, in an address beamed by satellite to televisions across the world, speaks of "a new era of economic prosperity." Idaho is subsequently sold to the Japanese to help America pay off its foreign debt.

September 21

After a difficult search for polically correct appointees to the Corporation--all were taken by the Bush administration--Harvard finally fills a vacant spot with one who has some extra time on his hands. "Grandma was right, I could get into Harvard, if I tried hard enough. Thanks, Dad," says Vice President J. Danforth Quayle. The Corporation's other vacancy is soon filled, when Gov./Rep./Mayor Joseph P. Kennedy II decides he needs the prestigious post for his resume.

October 15

Sam Jenkins, a Cambridge resident who has walked his dog in the Radcliffe Yard for the past 10 years, is appointed president of Radcliffe College. "We looked everywhere, and we just couldn't find a qualified woman," explains President Bok.

October 21

In the final installment of his fiction trilogy, Professor of Law Derrick Bell devises a scheme to blow up the Harvard Coop when it won't invite him to hold a book-signing/wine and brie party there. Bell is awarded a $10 million contract by Paramount Pictures to turn the episode into a screenplay.

November 2

Harvard Dining Services puts up fuschia neon warnings to students not to eat dining hall food because it contains all the health hazards recounted on its bulletin boards last year. Business at Elsie's and Tommy's Lunch skyrockets when the restaurants start using unsaturated soybean oil on their grills and selling oat bran muffins.

November 10

With a background of experience in Washington and service already honored by Harvard, the new Kennedy School dean starts off his job offering a University professorship to a wealthy industrialist. "I'm glad Dean Meese gave me this opportunity to serve Harvard," says E. Robert Wallach.

November 18

The State Department deports the editorial staff of Padan Aram, mistaking them for an offshoot of Islamic Jihad. The Undergraduate Council grants their petition for $500 for return airfare, and hails it as a sign of the council's new commitment to campus-wide publications.

November 30

The Undergraduate Council votes to officially change its name to the Harvard-Radcliffe Liberal People's Labor Front. Party Boss Ken "Fellow Traveller" Lee '89, hired back by the council as a secretary and ideological advisor, leads the Services Committee in setting up shanties to serve as a student center in the Yard and convinces Harvard Dining Services to install four-flavored milk dispensers in the new center.

December 7

President Bush rolls painted eggs on the White House lawn during the annual Easter celebration.

December 15

In response to complaints about campus safety, Harvard installs a new voice-activated security system in each dormitory entryway. Those who wish to open a door must correctly pronounce "Nietzsche" and be able to compute the standard deviation of a set of data, which is changed nightly. "We knew the QRR would come in handy someday," says Dean of the College L. Fred Jewett '57.

December 27

In a shocking protest over his company's involvement in tobacco, the Big Fig Newton hangs up his green booties for good. RJR-Nabisco's new owners, the takeover giant Kohlberg, Kravitz and Roberts (a.k.a. Harvard's slush fund), fill his pointy shoes with another prominent ambassador of good will. "Indeed, it is a profound honor to assume such a prestigious post. It is a veritable step up the ladder, one might say," former Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III tells Gourmet magazine.

December 31

Due to an avalanche of campuswide publications dropped in house hallways, three students are found trapped inside their rooms since late 1988, their only contact with the world being Dial-A-Menu and the Action Man. One of the students exclaims, "What do you mean, George Bush endowed a Harvard chapter of Skull and Bones?"