You Seldom Whiff in Whiffle Ball

Whiffle ball is the perfect game.

Where else but in whiffle ball could you throw a curve ball that would rival the junk of Bert Blyleven. What other game could you bat lefty, even though you were a born righthander, and send the ball screaming across the street?

Remember the box the official whiffle ball came in? The diagrams on the outside of the box showed in quick easy steps how to throw an inside curveball, how to hit the outside corner and how to unleash the vicious slider.

This little ball could do it all. And you didn't have to worry about your arm falling off. The whiffle ball had no weight, but it danced.

Hitting the whiffle ball was a challenge. The ball would streak towards your head and then make a sharp right turn that would find the strike zone. But when the whiffle ball hung (maybe because the pitcher did not pay attention to the diagrams on the side of the official whiffle ball boxes), it usually flew across the street for a "forget that one"-type homer.

The sound of plastic smacking plastic.

Whiffle is the perfect game.

It is the kind of sport that doesn't need two teams the size of the entire neighborhood. All you need is a phone.

"Yeah, Jim, what's up?"

"Nothing."

"A little whiffle today? I'll challenge you. Seven innings."

"Awright, got nothing else to do."

Two players squaring off in a seven-inning game. One pitches, the other hits. One hits, the other pitches. No bases to run, you only have to field grounders and catch fly balls. It's not that complicated a concept.

Whiffle ball is the perfect game.

What other game can you play with only two people and for less than five dollars?

Squash, tennis and basketball are all fine one-on-one sports, but make sure you have your dad's Visa with you when buying equipment. Price for squash racquet, ball and sneakers: anywhere from $50-$150, depending on the type of racquet you want. Price for tennis racquet, ball and sneakers: $150-$300, depending on whether you chose Pro-Keds over Reebok super-insolated Andres Jarryd hard-surface court shoes. Price for basketball and sneakers: $40-$100, depending on whether you buy a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar galvanized rubber ball or a Greg Kite reinforced-brick ball.

Price for official whiffle ball and official yellow bat: $3.57-$4.13, depending on which corner candy store you buy it from.

Whiffle ball saves you money.

Whiffle ball is the perfect game.

What other sport can give you the kind of day that would get you unanimously voted into Cooperstown?

Everyone has fine whiffle ball moments, the days when one becomes Ted Williams or Warren Spahn or Ted Williams and Warren Spahn combined.

I can remember my greatest day as a whiffle ball hitter-pitcher. It was a day when Jim and I went down to challenge two other guys from my grammar school, Matt and Kevin. Matt and Kevin lived far away, speaking in relative Bronx terms. Their houses were at least 10 blocks away. It was like the Yankees traveling to Tiger Stadium in Detroit.

This wasn't the first game we played against them. In fact, it was the third game of a seven-game Whiffle Ball World Series. Winner would be proclaimed champions of Mosholu Parkway (that's where I lived).

Jim and I hosted the first two games of the series at our home field, probably the best pitcher's park on Mosholu. It was a grass field, which the Parks Department used to mow every other week. The fence was far away, especially center field, also know as "Death Valley."

With some good handling of the curve ball, Jim and I shut out Matt and Kevin in each game. Jim got us all the offense we needed in each ggame, as he belted three centerfield-shots. I added a solo job. We were up two game to none, in the *** Classic.

I was slated to start the third game of the series. Matt and Kevin's park was completely different, a whiffle ball's Fenway. The infield was the asphalt of the street and the home run wall was the second-floor fire escape on Matt's building.

The smallness of the field didn't bother me. I settled down and pitched one mean whiffle ball game. The curve was curving. The slider was sliding. Matt and Kevin kept swinging.

"Spahn's on fire today, Joe. Look at the placement on his pitches."

My day at the plate was, well, unforgettable. Fourteen at-bats, 10 shots to the second-floor fire escape.

"He did it, number 10 of the day. What a day for Williams." The 10 homers set a Mosholu Parkway record. No one has yet to tell me that the record has been shattered.

We won the game, something like 22-6. Jim hit five homers and saved the game.

We went on to win the Mosholu title. With the money we saved from investing in whiffle ball, Jim and I celebrated by going to McDonalds.

"Damn, Jim, pretty good series we had there."

"Yeah, arm ain't bothering me at all."

"Challenge you to a game. Five innings."