Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous?

Iwas walking in the dark and mysterious tunnels of Cabot House one day when an old friend of mine accosted me.

"Hey, am I glad to see you! Do you live here?" said she, looking like a mouse lost in a maze.

"Yes," I replied, immediately put on guard by her question.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Anyway, I've been wandering around for hours trying to figure out how to get to North House," she cried out.

"This is only the second time I've ever been up in the Quad. I'm so lost," the friend sorrowfully whined.

"Oh, I'm sorry for you," I said, and pointed the way to her destination. I might as well have sent her on a wild goose chase. Sometimes walking in the Quad tunnels can be so much fun.

The incident amused me, since the poor lost waif was a junior. Imagine, such ignorance when so wise in years!

HOWEVER, when my ears tune in on Quad criticism, my amusement turns into disgust.

"You've been Quadded? What's it like up there? What are the people like up there?" people often ask me. I feel as though I've been exiled to the ozone layer. I've been waiting for someone to ask if Quadlings actually lived and breathed like normal Harvard students.

Other questions don't place us out of this world, but in a distant city. "What's your zipcode? Air mail? Do we have to dial '9' to call you? How much is a taxi there? Is it in Cambridge?" Or best of all, "the Quad, not far from one of America's most prestigious institutions of higher learning."

Hah. Hah.

What did we Quadlings do to deserve the ridicule of our peers? If anything, we should receive sympathy for having to walk more than 15 minutes everyday to reach the Square or for waiting even longer for the mythical shuttle.

After talking with several members of the Quad elite, I have come up with a hypothesis about our critics (Quadlings not included). Freshmen, whose meals are currently dominated by conversations about the housing lottery, should especially take note of this. This could be your home away from Harvard, so prepare yourselves.

Like most opposites in this world--bad and good, Alan Alda and Dirty Harry--Quad bashers come under two categories, the ignorant and the intellegent. The ignorant are simply that. If you confronted them with a map of Cambridge, they wouldn't be able to identify the Quad's location or even tell you its general direction. (Hint: It's northwest of Harvard Yard toward Calgary).

Furthermore, the ignorant know nothing of the many benefits bestowed upon Quadlings by the powers-that-be in Mass Hall. They don't know about Sunday night milk and cookies (a legendary and lofty Radcliffe tradition), Ice Walls, Floyd's Soho Grille, Nick's Beef 'n' Beer, the Starship Enterprise Dining Hall, not to mention McDonalds, Popeye's Fried Chicken, White Hen Pantry, and the rest of the stores along Mass. Ave.

Like Rambos who shoot at anything colored red, regardless of the different shades, these ignorant people are dangerous. However, there is hope for them. It is never too late to educate them, to show them the benefits of Quad life.

THE intelligent, on the other hand, should receive no sympathy. They had their chance in the housing lottery to put Cabot, Currier, or North first. But no, they just had to pick Adams, Winthrop, or, ugh, Eliot.

They knew that the Quad is just as close to the Science Center as Mather and Dunster. They were aware of the Quad's most spacious and elegant living accommodations. While Riverlings are crammed into closet-sized doubles, we at the Quad enjoy space, space, and more space. Most residents have singles in newly renovated suites that include skylights, carpeting, private baths, saunas, room service from Floyd's Soho Grille, and a view of the expansive Radcliffe Quad, which is filled with content residents skipping with joy to their classes.

Intelligent people can only be jealous of our plush and elegant lifestyle. They must live in the hustle and bustle of Cambridge, while we Quadlings can escape Harvard proper and take shelter in our pleasure resort hideaway. The studious Riverlings must run around from library to library, while we can find all of our reserve readings in Hilles (which has its own grille along with free juice, candy, and xerox machines). And River residents must trek to Hemenway Gym to play squash, while we can just cross the street to the QRAC. No wonder they're envious.

Do not pity the jealous. They are lost causes and must bear the burden of living by the River, without the amenities of Quad life. They may realize their blunders, but they must live with their mistakes until they graduate.

Quadlings of Harvard unite! It is time to put an end to Quad-bashing, once and for all. Give the ignorant and the jealous a little taste of their own medicine by banishing them to the tunnels without a map. The next time you see a river rat lost in the Quad, tell them you're sorry and then let them scurry away into oblivion.