Oral Arguments

THE YEAR is 1986. God is holding Oral Roberts for ransome. Unless God receives $8 million in unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag with no coppers and no funny stuff, He swears to strike Oral Roberts down and legally change the names of Roberts` children to Aural, Nasal, and Anal. It is clear that God the terrorist has to be stopped. If not He might start hijacking airplanes.

The the rescue operation begins. Stars arrive from all over the nation for a nationally televised benefit concert billed as "Oral Aid." The first act features Oral's fellow evangelists Jim and Tammy Bakker of the PTL (Plenty of Terrific Limosines) Ministry. They arrive in separate rescue limos. Reporters rush to Jim's limosine when the chauffeur opens the car door to help starlet "Charo" out.

"Coochie, coochie!" she screams at the sight of the crowd and paparazzi, "You really are beeg star , Jeem!"

Jim Bakker steps out of the limo and zippers his fly.

"Wahter ya'll lookin' at, boys? She ain't mah neighbor's wife or nothin'... where's that dern stage at?"

Jim and Tammy take the stage. The capacity audience goes wild.

Thank ya'll very much," says Jim to thunderous applause. "Nahh ya'll know that God hath spoken, and what he spaketh he meanteth, so nahh its tahhm! I say its tahhm nah--raht nahh--ta give up all yer money. Leave it with Tammeh on yer way out. Thank ya'll an don't worry none about that there money. The Laud giveth and the Laud taketh away, and then He giveth raht back ta me. Such is the way of the Laud. Thank ya'll for commin.'"

The enraptured crowd claps excitedly and hurls dollars and children onto the stage while a team of bodyguards escort Jim, Charo, and Tammy to their respective limosines. Tammy is able to swipe some of the cash off the stage and exchange it for a few hits of valium before she and her entourage are scurried away to continue their work for God somewhere in the Holy Jacuzzi of their Holy Mansion. On the way out, Barbara Walters manages to get a question through to Jim Bakker.

"You live like a king while many of the people from whom you receive donations are desperately poor. How do you reconcile this discrepancy?"

"Nah, nah, shugah, ah have no otha will than ta suhv the Laud," retorts Bakker insultedly, adding in a whisper a he bends to enter his limo, "you... uh...doin' anythin' Sataday night, shugah?"

Inside the concert hall, Oral Roberts takes the stage to introduce the next act.

"AND NOW a man who symbolizes the very principles upon which this great nation is based--unabashed opulence, religious intolerance, and the confounding of church and state. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Reverend Jerry Falwell!"

Hysterical clapping. Falwell takes the pulpit.

"Thank you all. Remember God loves you regardless of your race or religion--yes, white, Caucasian, Christian, or fundamentalist, you are blessed in His eyes. I trust you won't let the devil Satan restrain you from generous contributions. And don't forget that donations of three thousand dollars or more will receive a free calculator and an autographed photograph of me shaking hands with president Botha of South Africa. "

Exit Falwell to a standing ovation.

THE GALA event continues for three full days of old-time religious spiritual harmony highlighted by the acts of megastars Jimmy Swaggart and Pat Robertson. Yet although "Oral Aid" proves successful from a spiritual standpoint, in the end the event manages to raise only $6 million.

More is needed, and time is running out. Desperate for his life, Oral attempts to bargain God down.

"How about a one million dollar gift-certificate to McDonalds and a trip for two to Hollywood? No? Well, how about a sort of layaway plan--say, 10 thou a year for the next hundred years at four and a quarter percent interest...I'll even throw in my new Juice Newton album..."

Just when it seems that Oral is doomed, fate, in the form of wealthy greyhound mogul Jerry Collins, steps in and saves the day.

"I figure our businesses are kind of similar," Collins is rumored to have said. "We both attract large masses of people, take their money away, and still somehow leave them desiring to return. Besides, it's a tax write-off."

The national media gathers at a press conference at Oral Robert's palatial estate to witness the final money exchange. Oral publicly accepts the certified check and thanks his savior. He then leaves the conference with the cheek to "deliver the goods." In a few minutes Oral returns with a smile on his face.

"God has accepted the funds and will spare me! Spare me that is, provided I promise to use His money to buy myself and even bigger mansion, a larger jacuzzi, more servants, more limosines, and one of those nice polyester suits..."