THC: To Harmony & Celebration

WHEN PEOPLE smoke marijuana frequently for many years, the part of their brain that regulates prudent use of the word "dude" is destroyed. It is a common misconception that this form of brain damage is undesirable, and in recent years dangerous campaigns have been undertaken in order to further the theory that marijuana abuse is bad.

Heavy pot users have common personality traits. They speak noticeably slower than normal, and their words seep out from the back of their throats as if they were trying to say "ah" for the doctor and assume a Californian accent at the same time. They also often allow their mouths to droop open during pauses in conversation, and then stare at you with an awkward yet genuine friendliness reminiscent of the humbly thankful look you give to someone who praises your haircut.

That this well-documented and instantly recognizable personality type can be produced chemically is not something we as a nation can afford to ignore or abandon. I grant that to the naturally relaxed, amiable, motivated person, excessive marijuana use can zap desirable qualities into a mush of lethargy and reclusive behavior. This is not to say, however, that it would be beneficial to eliminate marijuana use in our society. For people who are naturally bellicose, annoying, pretentious or disruptive, pot is an effective neutralizer that, without hindering the individual from leading a relatively fulfulling and happy life, can successfully integrate abrasive individuals into the community.

FOR INSTANCE, if we were to mandate daily marijuana doses for fundamentalist preachers, television solicitation would no longer blight our airwaves. Men such as Jimmy Swaggart would take the pulpit, toke piously from a heavenly bong, and for the first time offer the congregation a truthful speech without the malicious undertones that characterize "normal" behavior.

"Dudes," he would say, sporting a tye-dyed shirt and a peace symbol draped around his neck, "it is really awesome that you came here to worship with us today. I've been thinking it over and have decided to totally return all of the money that I've been taking over the years, because, like, we're all one in the beautiful scheme of things and I really don't need money to be happy. Intense, dudes. Be well, I'll catch you later."

Of course, enforced marijuana use would be most beneficial in the federal government. The key to avoiding nuclear war is to permanently damage the belligerent centers of world leaders' brains with large doses of marijuana.

Geneva, 1988: Reagan and Gorbechev opt to meet out on the beach on surfboards rather than in the traditional stuffy building that they deem possibly harmful to their karma.

Reagan: Yah, dude, I know exactly where you are coming from, dude, it's like reality, man, I'm taking a totally intense understanding. Dude, we are members of a closely related, if not common, species. We can't deny it, dude, it's all so large, you know. Larger than us all, even larger than that big splotch on your head. Heh heh. A little joke there, dude. But seriously, why bother with the whole artificial death scene, man, I mean in the end it's all the same, right? I'm for just hanging loose, dude, like playing it fully casual--I say let's place a moratorium on doomsday machines, and then divert funds meant for the Defense Department to the Grateful Dead. You in, dude?

Gorbechev: Yah, dude, spark another doobie.

THERE ARE no drawbacks to this plan. Sure the President may be incapacitated in certain ways, but this is irrelevant to the current demands of the office. People might say that a stoned President would become docile and would no longer be motivated to take decisive action--that he would become a mere delegator: "Dude, just handle the crisis anyway you want, I'm partying tonight, and I'm going to need all my energy to get Nancy to stop just saying "no" all the time. The woman simply doesn't know how to have a good time."

People might also say that the President would become vapidly happy, unrealistically upbeat, forgetful, unfazed by impending crisis, and uninterested in important details. What it come down to, of course, is that we would end up with a president much like Ronald Reagan, except without a dangerous, warlike mentality. As for foolish barriers to the plan, such as the bother-some "just say no" campaign--dudes, just be cool.