SOUND OF FURY:

HAIR FROM shortly after we are born until shortly after we die, we all must deal with the constant growth of one of nature's most wonderful and perplexing phenomena. For most of us the periodic cutting of the hair is a ritual, less pleasant than going to a ballgame but more fun than seeing the dentist.

When a man aspires to the nation's highest office, however, mundane personal habits take on overwhelming importance. A man's hair becomes more than a tuft of stringy proteins. It becomes an important political statement.

Everyone is familiar with Ronald Reagan's hair, for example. The president is very conscious of his public image and knows that when people look at him, they also see the hair which abuts his face. Thus he has designed his hair to conform to the image he tries to project: large and well-oiled, it says, "This man is head of a large and well-oiled government."

Now that Ronald Reagan is in semi-retirement, many gentlemen have begun to come forward to seek the presidency for them-selves--to throw their hats in the ring, as they say, thus revealing their coiffures.

Presidential hair raid sirens first went off in 1978 when Gary Hart began his battle for the Oval Office. Only 14 at the time, Hart allegedly got his inspiration for the controversial hairdo from the character of Adam on t.v.'s Eight is Enough.

Although the show was quite popular at the time, inside observers express concern that the concept behind Hart's hair is now dated, and that he should get a haircut. Others say he should get a job. Still others say he has enormous ears and must wear his hair long anyway.

Massachusetts Democrats are excited about the presidential possibilities for native son Mike Dukakis. The numerous backers for this as yet undeclared candidate cite Dukakis' many advantages: body, bounce, and uniqueness. His opponents, however, claim that Dukakis has far too much hair for a man his age, and needlessly sports wheelcovers over his ears.

That two important contenders for the presidency of the United States both have hairdos large enough to conceal a small firearm has not gone unnoticed, however.

Most D.C. hairdressers are putting their money on Vice President George Bush. Despite his rather inaccurate name, the Vice President is not over-endowed with head fibers--in fact, it is said that Bush is not only the Vice President, but also a client of Hair Club for Men.

Regardless of negative rumors, Bush maintains a high level of exposure with the "Yale cut," a style of coiffure first made popular by the powerful men who control the economy, press, and official bureaucracy of this nation. The story goes that these men could not wear their hair too long or else it would fall in the soup at exclusive dining clubs they attended. The salient features of this hairdo is that it reveals enough of the forehead to make its wearer look bookish, but not so much that people think he's bald.

Bush is also well known for wearing glasses. The reasons for this are unclear; although they make him look wonky and dull, they may prevent bullies from hitting him in the face.

REGARDLESS of who wins the presidential race in 1988, one can only trust that the voters will pick the man with the best hairdo. Certainly their past record is no source of shame. Except for a brief period from 1977 to 1980, no U.S. president has ever been seen in public wearing a cowlick; not only is this a source of pride, but a claim which no European or Communist country could truthfully make.

There is more to running the flagship of democracy than just knowing how to style one's hair, of course. Other grooming habits are equally important. A presidential candidate may not wipe his nose with his hand, for example, especially on television. Richard Nixon did not wipe his nose with his hand during his famous Checkers speech. He immediately gained widespread support.

Rutger Fury, former national political correspondent for the National Enquirer creator of the expression "Let's Boogie," is a close personal friend of Jeffrey J. Wise.