OUT TO LUNCH

The Border Cafe

32 Church Street, Cambridge

Prices: Moderate

Service: Excellent

JUS' HOW CAY-JOHN IS DEY BORDER Cafe? Here some of dey t'ings, cher, dey got on day men-you: Ersters en Brochette ($3.95, $8.95), File Gumbo ($4.25), Egglplant Royale ($4.95), Shrimp Orleans ($7.50), Creole Chicken ($4.45), Cay-john Popcorn ($3.25), Blackened Redfish ($10.95), S'ordfish ($10.95), and Bread Pudding ($.95). Make yo' mouf water! Pour le bouche Opelousas! Ecoutez, you dahlin' you, I can garr-own-tee! Haaahhh, yes!

Here some of dey t'ings, doll, dey ain't got on dat men-you: Jumbalay', Crawfish Etouffe, Boudin, Red Beans and Rice, Pee-cohn Pie (wid plenny o'shoo-gar!), Shrimp Po' Boys, Dixie Beer, Catfish, Dirty Rice, Snappy-Gator Tail with Jolie Blon Beer, Potato Pirogue, Tasso, Pralines, and ol' Zydeco records. You know dee ones - Clifton Chenier. Zachary Richard. Rockin' Dopsie. All dem people.

Den dey got some t'ings, je n'sais pas, I don't t'ink dey oughta got: like Mexican food. Which border we at, anyway?

And den dey got some t'ings dey shouldna got but we like dem quand-meme: like Corona beer ($2.50) . . . Ooo-wee! You squeeze dat lime and glug-glug-glug! You ain't tasted nothin' better! Rien!. . . and Hurricanes ($2.95). . . Cay-john as Chop Suey, but dey just like dem ones at Pat O'Brien's in dey Vieux Carre, and you drink two o'those, you say, "Doucement!," start feelin' like a nutria gettin' whomped on dey head! And I tell you what - C'est vrai, babe! - Dey teach dat Scorpion Bowl how to sting! Put one o' dem in your shoe, you gon' holler!

Now I don't know toutes les choses 'bout Cay-john food. I only live dere one, deux years, in N'Orleans, down by dey bay-you. But I eat as much as dey next jeune homme, and I t'ink I can spot dey gen'win article. (And sans doute, dey gen'win article can spot me! . . all mes freres Cay-johns reading dis story, shakin' yo' head, sayin', "C'est qui, cet imposteur?") So I go to dis Border Cafe, take a coupla friends, and I wait in line, you know, ha'f hour or so, and lemme tell you what I eat, and how it taste, and all dat.

Well, we get dese chips and piquante sauce. Dey OK. We eat dem up. Drink Corona beer and goutons a Margarita ($2.95). "Dis Margarita tastes like Windex!" my frien' says. But don't dey all? C'est comme ca!

We got dis waitress. She so nice. I ask her where she from. She say she jus' lef' Columbia University. Don' know her name, mais tres gentille. We tip her big. She work hard!

Appetizers, dey ain't got much variety. Dey Cay-john popcorn made with shrimp, not crawfish. Dat ain't no good! Who ever heard o' dat? Gotta have mudpuppies to call it Cay-john popcorn! Anyt'ing else, where you from, de moon?

So we get Ersters en Brochette. Dey take dem salty ersters, wrap 'em in bacon, fry dem up. Sounds good to me! But the breading? Too heavy! And je ne peux pas gouter the ba-cohn! Menieure sauce real good, though. Gimme more uh dat. I tell you.

Gumbo too thin. Gotsta be thick, like Elmer's Glue. And where de rice? It don' come wid rice? Mon Dieu! Not too spicy, eider. But we add tobasco. Plenty. Some like it hot. Some like it cold. Some like it in dey pot . . . Eh! Octav'! Don' lick deh spoon!

Entrees arrivent tout de suite and tres chaudes. We get three t'ings, but we all share. Lemme tell you 'bout dey Blackened Redfish . . .

Dis fish got a real nice texture. Like dey just caught it, jus' pulled it floppin' off de hook. Everybody else try it and they smile and boivent la biere! Tres bon! Good and spicy!

We don' give up on deh brochette bidness. We order Shrimp en Brochette ($8.95), an' dis time we taste the bacon. But we don' know. Comme ci, comme ca. You gotta work hard to make deh shrimp taste boring. He the kinda animal jump right in yo' mouf.

Den we get some Creole Chicken. Poo-lay. Covered it over with, qu'est-ce que c'est, piquante sauce? Mon amie, she says it's real good, but she don' finish it. She eats only half, maybe, leaves it on her plate. Poor little chicken, I think. Don' nobody love you? I taste it with my mouth and, I don't know, it ain't so bad. You show me a chicken, you know what, I'll eat it. I'll eat it right up!

All dis time - Maybe I shouldn't be tellin' you dis - We drinkin' Corona, having a good time. Laissez bontemps rouler! We're, you know, just fine. Dey Border Cafe, laissez me vous dire, you have a good time! I can tell you dat! All dey good people, eatin' and drinkin'! Dey so happy! Make you wanna cry!

The food, you know, it not so bad. Not so good either. But what you want, K-Paul's in deh Quarter? Pour le dessert, bread pudding, I swear. . . Est-ce que ma mere etait dans la cuisine?

The bill, for three people, was $52.50. But we got two appetizers, three entrees, un dessert, and, pardonnez-nous, beaucoup de Corona. I'm glad I went. Had a good time! J'y etais content! Beaucoup de Corona! Beaucoup! Beaucoup!

A finir. . .

Dat Prudhomme, he ain't got nothin' to worry 'bout. You can't make Cay-john food outside Lou'sian', anyhow. Monsieur Proudhomme, he come sit on you. It's de truf. You go and try it.