101 Uses for a Dead Missile

As I understand it, the new missile reduction treaty between the United States and the U.S.S.R. requires only the "demilitarization" of rockets. Once the warheads have been removed, American and Soviet leaders may do what they wish with the rockets themselves.

Plans haven't solidified yet, but the United States will probably dissemble 244 missiles and make them into paperweights for sale at the Sharper Image. The Soviets has planned more creative uses for their nutered missiles.

.One hundred and ten will go to East Germany for use in a new line of automobiles. With East Germany showing some independence recently, the Kremlin sees these missiles as a way of strengthening ties with the East Germans. Given that the missiles accelerate from 0-to-Mach 1 in an average of 30 seconds, the new line of East German cars should blow the BMW's off the Autoban and improve the self-image of socialists, whose last automotive offering was the Yugo.

.Just in time for next year's Olympic games, 50 will be retooled as javelins for Soviet track and field teams. New world records are expected, though measuring distances may be tough. The Russians have already provided assurances that throwers will aim for untraveled areas in the Pacific Ocean.

.Two hundred missiles will be given to Iran in a secret arms deal to win access to a warm-water port. The Iranians, the Soviet reasoning goes, will be so greedy for missiles, that they won't quibble over the removal of the nuclear warheads. The Soviets see this as a potential PR master-stroke that willprove once and for all that communists are smarter than we are--after all, we provided the Iranians with weapons that really worked.

.Soviet agricultural cooperatives will be given 133 of the missiles. Productivity has always been a problem for the Russian farmer, but Gorbachev, who used to be in the ministry of agriculture, has promised to help. Word is that with the missiles used as plows, the Russian planting season could be shortened to half an hour.

.Fifty missiles will become harpoons for the Soviet whaling industry. They won't need many, since there aren't that many whales left. The Russians have spent the last 20 years killing off most of the whales in the world because they're stuck in the 19th century and can't make vegetable oil out of chemicals like the rest of us.

.The last 150 Soviet missiles will be sent to Afghanistan. Russia hasn't used atomic weapons against the rag-tag Afghan resistance because they know Pakistan is well-stocked with arms and trigger-fingered. But the Soviets believe their rockets may well do heavy damage to any Afghan villages that are still standing. America may be forced to send a few of the sawed-off missiles to the other side. Welcome to "peace."