Here Comes the Judge, Again

Editor's Note: At 11:45 p.m. on the night of January 19, 1989, the Reagan Administration nominated Judge Reinhold to fill the Supreme Court post vacated by Lewis F. Powell. So far, 14 nominees have failed to win the approval of the cantankerous Senate Judiciary Committee.

Reinhold, a former film actor and star of Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Cop II, plans to emphasize the fact that he has no known views on any subject, controversial or not. Although he has never read the Constitution, he did pay careful attention to Peter Jennings' three-hour special on ABC. In addition, he's the sort of wacky guy who might make the dour Justice Marshall bust a gut now and then.

The following is a partial transcript of Judge Reinhold's remarks before the Senate.

SEN. BIDEN, (D-DE) and Committee Chairman: Let the word go forth, to friend and foe alike, that this session is now called to order. Judge Reinhold, do you have a statement?

Judge Reinhold: Like, no.

Sen. Biden: Well then, let the torch pass to a new questioner. Yes, Senator Kennedy?

Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA): In Judge Reinhold's America there is no room for handicapped, lesbian chicano construction workers. There's no room for underprivileged Malaysian immigrants with torn rotator cuffs. There's no room for Slavs with corns on their feet. There's no room....

Sen. Gordon Humphrey (R-NH): Mr. Chairman, this is ridiculous. The senior senator from Massachusetts did the Ukrainians with bad feet bit at the last hearing. I demand that all mention of corns be struck from the record.

Sen. Biden: I will strike corns but Ukrainians are not Slavs or, as the Latins used to say, vice versa. Anyhow, the chair now recognizes the distinguished Senator from Utah.

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT): Judge Reinhold, this is just silly don't you think? I thought so. You're not here to be subjected to some witchhunt, are you? I didn't think so. Let me begin by asking you the kind of question I know you can answer and the kind of question that is important to me and my constituents in Utah. What's your favorite biblical name and why?

Judge Reinhold: What? Were you talking to me?

Sen. Hatch: That's okay, Judge Reinhold. I'm sure your answer would be Moses because he led his people to the Promised Land and that's just where you're going to take us, isn't it? But you can't take us to the Promised Land if you have to make a trillion zillion promises to a bunch of nosey senators along the way, now can you? Judge, you don't have to bother answering me until the end. I'm just going to ask you a series of asinine questions in an annoying, high-pitched whine.

Sen. Biden: Ask not what you can do for your committee, but what your committee can do for you.

Sen. Hatch: And what the hell does that mean?

Sen. Biden: Uh, I'm sorry, but your time is up. I'd like to recognize my distinguished colleague from Alabama, Sen. Heflin, but he is making a special guest appearance on "Hee-Haw" and couldn't be with us tonight. Still, we're all gosh darn proud of him here on the committee and wish the good ol' Senator well. The thoughtful Senator from Pennsylvania?

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA): Judge Reinhold, if God is all-powerful, can he make a rock so big that even he couldn't lift it? Or, following up that line, if a tree falls in the woods, but nobody is around to hear it....

Sen. Kennedy: In Judge Reinhold's America, there is no room for pigeon-toed Irdu toll booth attendants.

Sen. Paul Simon (D-IL): Mr. Chairman, things are getting out of hand. I assure you, Judge Reinhold, being the only man here wearing a bow-tie, I know what it means to feel like a clown. But let me remind you, these hearings are no circus. I have before me, Judge, a very damaging document. It is a letter sent to your home many years ago by your third grade teacher. She reports that you ate, in one sitting, an entire box of crayola crayons. Do you know that it is illegal to eat public property?

Judge Reinhold: Bitchin'.

Sen. Simon: Do you think it is proper for a former lawbreaker to be on the highest court in the land? Please answer the question.

Judge Reinhold: Is there a john around here?

Sen. Biden: I'm sorry Judge Reinhold but if Sen. Simon says answer the question, then you know what that means.

All, in unison: Simon says! Simon says!

(Pandemonium breaks out in the Senate Caucus Room as the Judiciary Committee members jump up and down on their chairs giving the bewildered Judge Reinhold the raspberry. Once again, the Senate has affirmed its Constitutional right to confirm, reject or tease a Presidential nominee to the Supreme Court.)