Morons and Millions

THIS SUMMER The New York Times ran a piece by William E. Geist that reported the publication of two books--"Missing Time" and "Intruders"--that document the experiences of men and women abducted by aliens from outer space. Geist reported the phenomenal success of UFO grouptherapy programs catering to people who find it difficult to return to society after harrowing experiences aboard alien spacecraft.

Now don't get me wrong. I would never belittle the seriousness of being captured by an extra-terrestrial who may in fact be quite ugly looking. This would be insensitive to the likes of Rosemary Osnato, a graphic artist in The Bronx who, Geist Reports, was abducted by aliens and summarily treated with "no respect at all." No, these experiences are not something to be ridiculed. I only bring the subject up to illustrate a very important point--that is, our world is populated almost entirely by absolute morons.

THIS IS especially important for college students of today on the verge of making major decisions on exactly how they are going to make their first million. With the virtual assurance of a moron-infested environment, it should be a piece of cake for unscrupulous geniuses like you to milk the massess of all their valuable possessions such as diamonds and food.

Mainstream money-making methods--such as lawyering, doctoring, and "Spam"-endorsing--quickly are becoming obsolete in the face of the lucrative world of media scams. The media is the best way to quickly amass large sums of the American people's money, as evidenced by the triumphant "Slim Whitman" album offers, the enormous wealth of the Televangelist Beggars, and the successful peddling of anything made of porcelain.

Don't look at me that way. Do you think Andrew Carnegie got rich devoting his time to orphans and small animals? Or maybe you'd rather be doing something socially useful like Investment Banking. Give me a break. You want obscene sums of money--well here's your chance. In the tradition of great American fortunes of the past, I here present a small sample from my compilation of entrepreneurial prospects entitled, "Ventures For Modern Day America Where Luckily For Us Most People Are NitWits."

STEP ONE: Take out a series of ads in a few major newspaper classified sections that read, "URGENT! If you or anyone you know have seen or heard a UFO, quickly send $5, $10, or $25 to:" and leave your address.

DEPENDING ON the area in which your ad runs--you must know your customers--the text may also read, "I hate The American Way of Life. Long live the Evil Communist Oppressors who have already infiltrated every level of our society. Do you agree? Send nothing if YES, and $50 or more if NO. The Choice is yours."

I know what you are saying--"This is foolish, no one will ever do it! Pulier has gone crazy. He's a crazy fool. I hate him. He is my worst enemy!" Well, I think you are very rude, and I won't dignify your crass remarks with comment here. I can only say "trust me." You must remember who we are dealing with--these are people who excitedly purchase expensive Egg-dicers because extra spoonsets are included free of charge.

STEP TWO: Take the money accrued from step one, and divide it equally between the purchase of paper clips and a TV commercial. The commercial should run as follows:

A man is happily driving his car 55 mph. He approaches a four-way intersection where the traffic light is broken. He and three other cars are driving full speed toward each other--it's too late to avoid a collision. Horrific screeches and cries are audible as the vehicles crash head-on, and ignite into a massive cloud of smoke and fire. The Camera then pans back to a bird's-eye view of the carnage.

Classical music is heard in the background as the man drives out of the cloud smiling and continues his journey. The smoke dissipates behind him, revealing a bloody mess in his wake. Camera swings into his unscathed car. He is patting the special paper-clip--I mean "Safety Clip"--that hangs attractively from his dashboard. A voice-over ends the commercial:

"We don't know how it works, we can't prove that it works, and we don't know if it works. But then again. . ." Cut to a small child cooing in the back seat. "Do you want to take the chance? Send $19.99 to..."

STEP THREE: Take this money and divide it again in half--one half to keep you out of jail, and the other half to send to me so I don't sue you for stealing my idea.