Oh, Those Golden Grands

WHEN A wedding anniversary occurs The Wife always thinks that The Husband has forgotten about it. This makes her very mad and she won't talk to The Husband. She turns her head up and walks away whenever he speaks. Soon The Husband finds out from The Neighbor why The Wife is angry, so he goes out and buys her a Card With A Corny Saying and hides it. Then The Husband condescendingly pretends as if he still is not aware that it is his anniversary until the wife finally confronts him with the problem.

At this moment The Husband smiles and says, "Oh, honey, did you really think that I forgot? I just wanted to surprise you!" and he produces The Card With A Corny Saying. The Wife is shocked and then repentent. She says "awwww, honey...." and apologizes for ever doubting The Husband. They kiss and live happily ever after, or at least until The Mother-In-Law visits.

After so many years of this happening one would think that The Husband eventually would remember the date of his anniversary, or that after a few years The Wife would get wise and figure out The Husband's trick. But no, the whole scenario happens time and time again to every married couple on every wedding anniversary.

I hope if I get married I will have the foresight to always mark the calendar for the day after my anniversary. Then when I forget the actual date I can still get a Card With A Corny Saying before it's too late without having to rely on The Neighbor whose anniversary may turn out to be on the same day as my own, which would render him incapable of remembering the day as anything special.

With this venerable tradition for anniversary behavior well ingrained into the psyches of all Americans, the Corny Card companies make a fortune. The cards have a picture of a flower on the front, or a bird, and inside they read something like:

"Oh, my dear, I am so very sorry

That I forgot our anniversary.

To me you are a pretty bird that flies

You will see my eyes if you look in my eyes.

I am like a pigeon that hovers above

Your statuesque form that I love.

Happy Anniversary, My dear."

Although people still rush to buy anything to make amends for their forgetfulness, a disturbing drop in sales recently indicates that most marriages are not lasting long enough to get to the anniversary. It is quite evident that if the Corny Card Companies are to survive, they need to branch out.

FOR SOON to be Divorced Couples, The Husband to The Wife:

"Remember all those years

When you thought I was just trying to surprise you

On our anniversary?

Well, HA! I really forgot every year, and I only ever knew because The Neighbor told me!"

For soon to be Divorced Couples, The Wife to The Husband:

"Remember all those years

When you thought I didn't know that the Neighbor

Was reminding you of our anniversary?

Well, HA! I knew it all along.

In fact, I've been sleeping with

The Neighbor since day one!"

Many people will say that these cards are too specific, that greeting cards should be more general, like the cards of old. But that's the point--successful marketing strategists focus on narrow targets and market their products accordingly. The more specific the better. Examples of cards that would sell wonderfully are:

Congratulations On:

--Being elected president of Botswana.

--Completing your new "Work Out" video.

--Having a child named "Mustafa".

or:

Sorry To Hear That You:

--were burned beyond human recognition.

--lost all in the stock market crash, and now lead a life of piteous despair.

--were elected president of Botswana.

OF COURSE, none of this would be necessary if people would just stay married. Then the Corny Card Companies could continue as always and not have to worry about modernizing. My grandparents' 50th wedding anniversay is this month, but golden Corny Cards are too expensive. So they'll have to settle for a Corny Column instead. Happy Anniversary, Ida and Jack!