Refried Bride

ONCE UPON a time, there was a cinematic fairy tale. A fairy tale of true love conquering all. A tale in which the good survive and the bad are conquered and in which characters ride off into the sunset. Such is the saga of The Princess Bride, Rob Reiner's entry into the fantasy genre. It is less than fantastic.

The Princess Bride

Written by William Goldman

Directed by Rob Reiner

At the USA Cheri

A whirlwind of loosely connected adventures, the film fails to capture the sense of the marvelous for which it grasps. Its characters may scale the Cliffs of Insanity and brave the giant "rodents of unusual size" in the Fire Swamp, but they cannot overcome the ridiculous plot or swashbuckle away the insipid dialogue.

Murder, kidnapping, wizardry, and fair damsels in distress are all ingredients in the film's stock, but Reiner's adaptation of William Goldman's revered 1973 novel lacks the zest of a classic like The Three Musketeers or even Raiders of the Lost Ark.

AS THE TALE opens, a royal bride-to-be, drawn from and adored by the commoners, prepares to wed a prince she does not love. Sound familiar? It is a subplot of The King and I. Like the woman in the famous musical, Princess Buttercup (played by Robin Wright) yearns for another, a farmboy whom she thinks is dead.

But, what ho! The love of her life lives on, as Buttercup discovers when she is kidnapped in an inane attempt to start a war between the two countries of Gildern and Florin (why not Pound and Shilling?). The devious designs of her kidnappers are foiled when she is snatched from her captors by the murderous masked pirate Roberts (played by Cary Elwes). Unmasked after a frolic with Buttercup on a grassy hillside, Roberts is exposed as the princess bride's sweetheart.

Together the true lovers battle an onslaught of perilous obstacles--including the murderous attempts of bad guy Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon) to marry sweet Buttercup. Ultimately, however, they live happily ever after. Aah, how refreshingly silly.

The film has its more serious adventures, like that of Montoya, a stereotypical Spaniard played by Mandy Patinkin. Montoya seeks to avenge the death of his father and is involved in a ruthless search for the six-fingered killer. When he finds him, he intimidates his prey by emulating a broken record. "I am Inigo Montoya," he drones repeatedly. "You killed my father. Prepare to die." This attempt at humor, like many of the film's "comic" touches, entirely misses its mark.

In accordance with the traditional laws of fairy-tale telling, The Princess Bride has a mawkishly happy ending, reinforcing the mistaken notion that a happy ending is a cliche. Even Reiner's framing device is trite: he has a grandfather, played by Peter "Columbo" Falk, read "the Princess Bride" fable to his ailing grandson.

Falk's lilting voice enchants the audience as well as the young invalid. But the boy breaks the spell of the yarn with his constant protestations at every realistic turn of the plot. Grandpa, therefore, has to improvise and make the fairy tale more acceptably fanciful.

THE PRINCESS Bride is also plagued by an inept and poorly directed cast. Andre the Giant is endearing but inarticulate in his cameo role. Wallace Shawn, star of My Dinner With Andre, must have drunk too much in that flim, and after this role he should reconsider his career. And Wright, who makes her film debut in The Princess Bride should get out of acting before it is too late.

The only memorable scene in the film is Billy Crystal's hilarious portrayal of Miracle Max, the wizard who has been fired from his royal position. Max helps bring the movie's hero back from the dead with a chocolate-covered pill, but Crystal's cameo is a diamond which sparkles in an otherwise unremarkable film.

Although the film has been touted as an instant classic, a more appropriate description would be classic trash. A combination of classically insipid action and acting, classically artificial scenery and classic melodrama, The Princess Bride represents pop art at its pop worst.