Taurus and Tea Leaves

The following predictions were recently discovered by piecing together shredded documents from the offices of the National Security Council. Although no complete documents were discovered, a small group of non-quantitative social scientists was able to reconstruct the following.

JANUARY

. New Congressman Joseph P. Kennedy II skips the State of the Union Address for a Bruins game. The freshman points out, "I had much better seats at the game than for the speech."

. While in Paris on his European sabbatical, President Derek C. Bok has a chance encounter with the former Prime Minister of Iran, Abolhassan Bani-Sadr. Bani-Sadr recognizes the world renowned educator and, aware of Bok's efforts to make Harvard a force for progress in education throughout the world, the Iranian emigre offers Bok an opportunity to strike a blow for enlightenment and freedom on three continents. The exile tells Bok of the heroic efforts of a group of moderate Iranian educators who are struggling to give students a liberal arts education despite the mullahs' decision to eliminate funding for all programs except Religious and Terroristic Studies, an interdisciplinary degree-granting program in military arts and the humanities. Bani-Sadr wants Bok's help getting forbidden books and purely defensive rhetorical devices to these educators.

. Dean of Students Archie C. Epps is offered the presidency of Reed College. Reed claims Epps has proved himself to be an image-conscious administrator. Epps declines the job, saying it's too far from England and that carnations in the Northwest are "rather frumpy."

FEBRUARY

. Inspired by a visit to Cardinal Richelieu's tomb, Bok sees an opportunity to help steer Iran along a more moderate path, to cut off terrorism at the source and, above all, to further the goal of worldwide liberal arts education. Using back-channel communications that circumvent the office of acting President Henry Rosovsky, Bok dispatches Eliot House Master Alan Heimert '49 on a secret fact-finding mission during intersession to contact Bani-Sadr's associates.

. Joe Kennedy misses a big Contra aid vote. Sources reveal that right-wingers secretly gave the congressman tickets to see a tractor pull and motocross race twinbill at a local arena. "I tried to get some other guys on the committee to go with me, but I guess they never learned how to have a good time." Amway salesman George Bachrach, a former Eighth District candidate, said of "young Joe's" absence: "I would have been there.

. The only other Congressman to miss the vote was Fred Grandy '71, who took an emergency junket to the Carribean when he learned that Julie misplaced all the ship's shuffleboard cues.

MARCH

. In response to protests over his salary--including a four figure Christmas bonus--former Undergraduate Council Chairman Brian Melendez '86 announces he will work for the council for free.

. The College, desperate for more housing, allows the Pi Eta Speaker's Club to become the 14th house. Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield is appointed master and immediately asks Professor Susan R. Suleiman to become house librarian. He says she'll be able to "improve the students' minds" and is a "fine little baker."

. Residents of Pi Eta House, which will be renamed "Southeast House" in honor of the famous direction, are moved to the Charles Hotel pending completion of renovations. Students get complimentary breakfast croissants but aren't happy. Says one: "If I wanted to study abroad, I'd have moved to the Quad."

. After seeing "Little Shop of Horrors," a North House student is strangled by an overgrown fern in his Botanical Gardens room.

APRIL

. On his way back to Cambridge, Heimert meets Bok in Geneva. After receiving the president's OK, the special envoy opens an operational account at the Landesbank S.K. Upon his return, Heimert briefs Bok's chief of staff, University Vice President and General Counsel Daniel Steiner, who transferred control of the operation to the little known Office of Political and Educational Affairs in the basement of Massachusetts Hall.

. The 17th anniversary of the Radcliffe Pottery Studio sets off a campus-wide celebration. Special seminars are designed to discuss the role of the pottery studio in history. Several panels featuring world-renowned potters will commemorate the anniversary. Noted pot guru Lawrence McKinney turns down his invitation after the University declines to offer him an honorary degree.

. The Harvard Gazette publishes a special five-page feature on the new Persian language printing of President Bok's books, Beyond the Ivory Tower and Higher Learning.

MAY

. A small Hamburg literary review reveals that several thousand copies of Bok's books were shipped to Iran in February. The books were published by a small press outside Paris that specializes in Palestinian revolutionary tracts and then shipped to Iran via international book merchants associated with the Harvard Club of Hamburg. Harvard News Office Director Peter Costa denies supressing information in the Gazette's feature on Bok's books, adding: "If we had found out about all this stuff we certainly would have asked John Shattuck whether or not we should publish it."

. Students move into "Southeast House," which boasts a new bus port. Aiming to "help students from different campuses understand one another better," shuttles will depart every hour for local women's colleges.

. After noticing his new Porsche parked in front of the Center for International Affairs (CFIA), Crimson reporters discover Melendez is now on the center's payroll. CFIA Director Samuel P. Huntington refuses to comment, but anonymous sources indicate that Melendez is being paid out of a new private endowment to improve teaching. The Commission of Inquiry (COI) begins an investigation into Melendez's role on the Undergraduate Council but claims it does not have jurisdiction to inquire into the mysterious new endowment.

JUNE

. BayBanks installs automatic teller machines in the pillars of Memorial Church. Plummer Professor of Christian Morals Peter Gomes delivers a six-hour address, "Automatic Teller Machines and Our Puritan Tradition." The address makes no sense, but the audience is asleep and fails to notice.

. In an 11th-hour negotiating session, the University and the Harvard Patrolmen's Association end a year-long labor dispute. The University continues to stonewall on the patrolmen's vacation demands. In lieu of vacation, the University offers to fire anyone who refuses to sign the new contract.

JULY

. The city that has banned nerve gas, rent increases, animal testing, genetic engineering and even fast food goes a step farther. Led by City Councilor Al Vellucci, Cambridge seeks to ban all persons under 21 from the Harvard Square area. Asked to comment, Dean Spence says he favors the initiative.

. Rufus Jones '87-'88, organizer of the cultural exchange program that brought Chinese and Soviet hockey teams to a tournament at Harvard, declares his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination. Asked to comment about a possible match-up with fellow Andover grad George Bush in the general election, Jones says, "It'll be a tussle, but we've both played against Exeter so we're ready." Dark horse candidate and Undergraduate Council Chairman Richard Eisert '88, also an Andover grad, was at a social function and could not be reached for comment.

AUGUST

. Dominic Bozzotto of the dining hall workers local union is hired as secretary to the ACSR.

. Following a ghastly wave of terrorist attacks, all air traffic between the United States and Great Britain is halted. Men's soccer Coach Jape Shattuck scrambles to arrange boat passage for his team, most of which is now stranded across the Atlantic. Crimson goalkeeper Chad Reilly, a native of Needham, MA, offers to play all 11 positions until his teammates arrive.

. Thousands of cheering students greet Bok and welcome him back from his sabbatical. Oh, no, wait a minute....

SEPTEMBER

. The CRR is abolished. "The New and Improved, Totally Without Ill-will Tribunal" (NITWIT) is established in its place. Despite student criticism, the new body will employ the same procedures as the CRR. Explains Dean L. Fred "Solomon" Jewett '57: "The procedures aren't written down anywhere, so how do students know they aren't any good? Besides, I'll decide the procedures as soon as we need them so I'm sure they'll be fair."

. The Southern Africa Solidarity Committee (SASC) issues a report claiming that several Harvard students have been working in white boarding schools in South Africa since late January on internships funded by the New York-based Liberal Arts Education Foundation.

. Acting President Rosovsky denies any knowledge of Harvard students on internships in South Africa, adding: "Why bother with getting to know students? They're only around for four years. I'm here for life, and the University pension fund will be here at least that long." In response to similar queries, Steiner says, "I don't know anything about that, but if such internships did exist they would be a legitimate expression of free speech."

OCTOBER

. When SASC activists pay an impromtu visit to the Manhattan offices of the Liberal Arts Education Foundation, they are confronted by Adminstrative Dean of the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences John B. Fox '59. Fox tells the activists that he thinks it would be a good idea to turn over their bursars cards and informs them that if they do not leave they will be violating the Resolution on Rights and Responsibilities.

. B-Schoolers and Law students waiting for the Wellesley bus organize a protest. Chanting "Men unite, let's keep the night," they march to Response headquarters and try to "pick up chicks."

. A Harvard student interning in South Africa is abducted by SWAPO rebels while on a field trip to Namibia. The rebels turn the hapless student over to the Angolan government, which publicizes him as an example of U.S. educational imperialism. Among the student's personal effects is Melendez's business card, bearing the name of the Liberal Arts Education Foundation. On the back of the card is what appears to be the number of a bank account and a telex address in Geneva. The telex address and account are at Landesbank S.K.

NOVEMBER

. Modeling a new program on the Burger King "find Herb" promotion, the University sends Dean of the Faculty A. Michael Spence to all the dining halls with promises of prizes for the first students to recognize him. No one does, and Spence uses the prize money to endow a junior professorship in communications. The one-time award will fund research for a young scholar who will be prohibitted from teaching classes or even speaking to students. The dean declares, "This may be my most lasting contribution to Harvard."

. In testimony before the COI, Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III calls Melendez "a real Harvard hero."

. In the first series of cases before the new disciplinary body, NITWIT, several new punishments are revealed. Two students are ordered to take Organic Chemistry, three are exiled to North House and the five charged with the most serious infractions are suspended until they can invent a plausible explanation for the $25,000 price tag of the guardhouse at Johnston Gate before they will be readmitted.

DECEMBER

. Harvard announces the formation of a million dollar fund to help educate needy Angolans.

. The Angolan government releases the captive Harvard intern as a gesture of goodwill.

. University Treasurer Roderick M. MacDougall '51 tells reporters that the new Angolan scholarship fund has absolutely nothing to do with the release of a Harvard student the day before. As an example of the University's longstanding tradition of helping Africans, MacDougall points out the million dollar fund to help educate Black South Africans--which, he adds, also had absolutely nothing to do with pressure on the University.

. Claiming that the University diverted proceeds from secret sales of books to Iran to fund South African internships through a front organization, anti-apartheid activists erect a large book in the center of Harvard Yard.

. The Harvard Clerical and Technical Workers are set for a certification election. The University administration, fearing that the workers will decide to go union, pull a last-minute name change to try to avert the election. At a press conference from the Office of Political and Educational Affairs in the basement of Mass Hall, Steiner declares, "I'm in charge," and announces that the University is now officially renamed "the Academy of Rights and Responsibilities."