What's Your Royalty Rating

IT IS A sad fact of this democratic society that very few Americans know how to behave in front of royalty. This egregious lacunae in American education is sure to become painfully evident during Prince Charles's visit to the Harvard.

The following examination, the Prince Charles Aptitude Test (PCAT), should help you determine whether you meet the official minimum protocol standards.

You are standing with a drink in your hand and boredom on the brain in a ballroom. A man with large ears comes up to you, shakes your hand, and in a British accent introduces himself as Charles, Prince of Wales.

1. Where are you?

A. Hell.

B. In your bed, in deep R.E.M. sleep.

C. Harvard's 350th celebration.

2. What do you do?

A. Introduce yourself as Prince(ess) Spike of Freedonia, and inquire if the the Prince would be interested in purchasing some "slightly used" polo ponies.

B. Hit the Prince over the head with a champagne bottle, yelling "Sic semper tyrannis."

C. Giggle hysterically.

You are Derek Bok, President of Harvard University. You have just been introduced to His Royal Highness, etc.

3. How do you feel?

A. Ashamed. Charles has more titles than you do.

B. Superior. The supreme and arbitrary Power that British kings once wielded over their helpless serfs is now wielded by you over helpless undergraduates.

C. Confused. You always thought Prince was Black.

You are still Bok (sorry), and Charles is wondering aloud who the scruffy ruffians shouting "Derek Bok get the word, this is not Johannesburg" in the foyer might be.

4. What do you do?

A. Distract Charles by mentioning "Bloom County" or the I.R.A.

B. Attribute the incident to Yale, MIT, the Lampoon, mob fever, mass hallucination, Ecstasy, Bud Lite, or flying saucers.

C. Explain that they are your groupies.

5. The same as Question 4, except you are Sissela rather than Derek. What do you do?

A. Lie.

B. Lie.

C. Lie, but only a little.

You are Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III. You have just been introduced to Prince Charles.

6. Which of the following best describes your reaction?

A. You have more titles than Charles, but you feel sorry for the fellow and agree to shake his hand.

B. You tactfully enquire if Charles is willing to trade a Mastership at Oxford for a slightly battered soul and a vat of broccoli-cheese pasta.

C. You compliment him on his accent.

You are an undergraduate whose stellar work on the china acquisition committee has earned you the opportunity to tea with the Prince. Strangely, you and Charles have fallen into a deep conversation. Suddenly he hesitates, almost as if he were going to invite you over to Buckingham Palace for the start of the party season.

7. At this delicate juncture, what is the worst thing you could possibly say?

A. "41 inches, eh?."

B. "I just love Argentina, don't you?"

C. "Have you ever seen Dumbo?"

Your Score: You receive 1 point for every A, 5 points for every B, 10 points for every C. Multiply the total by Princess Fergie's waistline, divided by Princess Margaret's weight, and subtract Queen Elizabeth's hat size. Stir fry over low heat, and serve chilled with white wine.