The Big Western Lie

I RECEIVED a letter from the White House yesterday. Apparently the FBI had been secretly investigating my use of foul language, and the President, after seeing the Bureau's report, concluded he had to take some action. So he terminated my membership in the family of Western nations.

Fuck.

That probably means I also lost my Club West membership. No more squash, tennis or swimming. I also lose a claim to all the tradition that makes the West western. Locke, Jefferson, Aristotle--I'll never again be able to say we share the same ideology.

Shit.

But what can you do when the leader of the West is such a stickler for rules. So I cried to him, "Oh great arbiter of the West, please hear my cries. I pray to you have mercy (another great Western trait) on my soul and let me rejoin the just philosophical tradition that I learned at my mother's bosom. Your judgement is the right judgement Mr. President, and I obey your commands but now please reconsider. Please, pleeeze...." He didn't listen.

Son of a bitch.

But I could hardly expect him to be easy on me when he was cracking down on Western nations all around the world to make sure that they live according the the standards we in America,--alright maybe not me--take for granted. Why, didn't he tell South Africa that they better shape up if they wanted to keep the West's seal of approval? You still belong, he assured them, but time was running out on that there apartheid. There was that speech Tuesday. "If yas still want to be part of this here West, you'd better end all that killing. It just ain't right and there's no room for people like you while I'm sheriff." Reagan put a hand on the handle of his gun and flexed his fingers. South Africa didn't flinch.

Bastards.

It's not like the West hasn't dealt with this problem before. There have been murderers, there's been segregation and there have been those who have rejected the fundamental ideas that make the family of Western nations the most liberal and free among all the peoples on this great green globe of ours which we swear to protect, preserve and make peaceful. Why won't South Africa budge? Don't they care about Reagan's threats to expel them from the West?

Like Hell.

The earth may be green but the West is definitely white. In fact that is what upsets Ronald Reagan so much about the crimes that the South Africa government commits. These guys are so, so, so white. I mean, who cares about the atrocities the Contras commit in the jungles of Nicaragua? And plus they're fighting with a Cardinal's backing.

Goddamnit.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING that the West has on its side--God. He provided the morals on which we base all our conceptions of right or wrong. And he's never let us down. Well, maybe once in Southeast Asia. Or when we fought each other, because he had to let at least one person down. That's happening again. South Africa thinks it has God on its side, well, at least they think they're right. And they couldn't care less if Reagan threatens to no longer call them Western. The South Africans actually consider themselves the true descendants of the West.

My ass.

But who cares, because I don't even know what the West is anymore. Reagan seems to care only about how a bunch of white guys are tarnishing the rest of the West's whites. Somebody ought to be concerned with the oppressed and not reforming the oppressor. You can't teach cancer a lesson. But the real problem is that it always seems that America, when it goes on a moral romp, insists that in order for a people to be free they must be West.

What the heck.

There I've reformed. Will you let me back in now Mr. President? "Well...O.K."