Trouble With Tables

THE OTHER NIGHT, sulking through my dining hall, bouncing from the Spanish Table to the Hebrew Table, avoiding the tripping feet of the pre-Med Table, and finally finding a seat between the Women's Issues Table and the East Asian Table, I realized that there are an awful lot of special interest tables around here.

Surveying the sad faces of the unattached people around me, those who had no table of their own, I decided there aren't enough tables. The table system should be expanded to include all special interest groups, not just those related to sex, nationality, sexual orientation, sexual disorientation, language, or career ambitions.

First of all, there are a lot of boring people at Harvard, and it's time they organized their own table, and left mine. The Boring Table would involve a group of 10 to 12 patently uninteresting people eating together and sharing their political and artistic views. A prize, such as the latest issue of the Lampoon, would be given to the last remaining conscious individual, who would be designated the Most Boring Man/Woman of the Week.

ANOTHER WIDESPREAD CHARACTER flaw here is insincerity, and this necessitates the formation of the Phony Table. Participants in the Phony Table would sit around fawning on each other and saying things like "Hey, this eggplant parmesan is terrific, or "Isn't it nice we could all get together here tonight?" until someone gets up for seconds, at which point all the other members will make fun of him behind his back.

Much more informal will be the Vulgar Table, a group of foul-mouthed individuals who sit around and spout profanities for one hour each week. This table would, on occasion, double as the Blasphemy Table. Other groups, such as the Apathy Table, which will never meet, and the Stupidity Tables, which have reportedly been congregating for some time, need not be mentioned.

More interesting to the outside observer will be the organization of tables for the mentally unbalanced, who also exist in great numbers at Harvard. Heading the list will be the Paranoid Table, whose sessions will run something like this:

Silence.

One member (angrily): "What? !"

Another: "What?"

Another: "I didn't say anything..."

Silence.

First member: "You're an together, aren't you?"

Equally entertaining will be the weekly meetings of the Schizophrenic Table, involving one member and 10 to 12 empty chairs, discussing a variety of subjects. If one sees a single student sitting at a deserted table snapping "What?" "What?!!" "I heard that!!!", he will know that he is watching the Paranoid-Schizophrenic Table in action. Lastly, since the faculty will no doubt feel left out by all of this, professors will hail the formation of the Senile Table, where they can sit around and forget their views on any number of topics.

AMONG THE INTERESTING disease tables, the perennial favorites, the Tourette's Table and the Incontinent Table, will be matched only by the stilted, jerky rapport of the Narcolepsy Table for pure comic potential. Most fascinating of all will be the fiery spectacle of the Spontaneous Combustion Table. And for those interested in a more somber dining experience, over in the darkest corner of the dining hall, all by itself, and covered with a lumpy burlap sack, will be the Elephant Table.

Although the aforementioned organizations will be open to all interested parties, some will require a Comp in order to participate. Guessing 10 or more out of 20 cards correctly and/or levitating will gain one admission to the Psychic Table. Similarly, three good deeds and one miracle will be needed to sit in one of the 12 seats at the Divinity Table. Experience at the Stigmata Table also helps, as will a few sessions calming the noisy antics of the Possessed Table.

All of these, of course, are merely suggestions, intended to open the social and perhaps political eyes of these groups which until now have remained dormant in the Harvard Community. I for one am looking forward to the first meeting of the Sarcastic Table, though also expecting invitations from the Tasteless and Irrelevant Tables pending publication of this article.