No Time to Study

AS I WAS preparing to write a paper for a Gov course last week, I came across a great revelation: Look at this! My shoelaces are not the same length.

I proceeded to spend the next hour and a half unlacing and relacing not only the shoes on my feet, but all the shoes in my closet, and then all the shoes in my roommate's closet.

"Now I can proceed to write my Gov paper," I said to myself. I reached into my desk to take out a few sheets of typing paper. But scattered across the top of the ream of Berkshire Bond was an unshuffled, disordered deck of cards.

"I can't possibly go on with my paper when these cards are in such a disorganized fashion," I told myself. For the next 20 minutes, I shuffled the cards several times, counting them out to see that there were always 52.

Shagged out after my productive afternoon, I plopped onto the couch and proceeded to fall asleep while watching Bugs Bunny cartoons. After all, I had a paper to write, and I didn't want to be tired later.

As I drifted off to sleep, numerous things occurred to me which required my immediate attention before I could go to work on my measly four-page paper. Herewith, a list of the 21 best things to do when avoiding work.

1. Clean up your room. A room is always clean when you have important things to do...like watch the Jetsons. But as soon as work comes around, the room is filthy, no matter how clean it might seem. Besides, the underside of your bed frame is always dirty.

2. Reorganize your record collection. First, alphabetically. Then by author. Then chronologically. Then by listening category.

3. Go out and buy coffee filters, no matter how many you have. You can never have too many coffee filters.

4. Check to make sure your underwear is ironed. What if you got into an accident and the doctor saw that you were wearing wrinkled underwear.

5. Read newspapers. You can't possibly write the best Gov paper unless you are completely informed about the world around you.

6. Check your mailbox. Several times. Maybe some mail has arrived in the 15 minutes since you last looked.

7. Cook an elaborate snack in the toaster oven. Go out and buy extravagant ingredients if necessary. Your mind can't work well on an empty stomach.

8. Change all the preset buttons on your roomate's stereo to country music and easy listening or lite music stations.

9. Sneak over to the dining hall and fill up an empty bottle with Coke from the dispensers at no charge.

10. Eat an entire bag of Doritos while watching Family Ties.

11. Make something out of wicker.

12. Invent a stupid human trick for future presentation on Late Night with David Letterman.

13. Flatten the bottom half of your toothpaste tube--just like it says on the back of the box--so you get the maximum amount of paste per tube. After all, at nearly $1.50 a shot, toothpaste is really expensive. You wouldn't want to be wasteful, especially when there are children in Africa starving for extra toothpaste.

14. Count the money in your wallet. Then arrange your bills so that you always have the best "dollar-bill-poker" available for easy use.

15. Rearrange your closet so that all your pants are on brown hangers, all your oxford shirts are on blue hangers and all your sport shirts are red hangers. Then stack your sweaters by color and the type of wool (or, God forbid, acrylic) they are made of.

16. Count the stiches on a baseball.

17. Defrost your refrigerator.

18. Check to see that you have enough quarters for your upcoming laundry. Arrange the quarters in a three-by four configuration, making sure that every alternate quarter is tails up.

19. Open the nearest book of matches and make sure that all the matches are facing the same way. A large box of wooden kitchen safety matches can provide hours of entertainment.

20. Write a column about the 20 best things to do while avoiding work.