The Boesky Protocals

I WAS WAITING for an interview with a noted expert at Harvard's School of Public Health on the spread of tooth decay among second-grade students, when I noticed the crumpled piece of paper on the ground next to the trash can. Good reporter that I am, I scooped it up.

I read the following, typed on Harvard Club stationery, with "From the Desk of Ivan Boesky" emblazoned across the top: "November 8, 1986. Dear Dean, I am writing the following pursuant with my duties as member of the Visiting Committee of the School of Public Health, which is charged with monitoring the quality of the teaching at the school. I have formulated a series of recommendations to improve the quality of your fine school."

.The Economics of Disaster: An introduction into the wonders of insider information, the course would examine the mechanics of the first-aid market, offer detailed models of how small third-world countries select first-aid manufacturers with special attention on how to befriend the Health Minister.

.Fluorine, that Lucrative Chemical: Studies the campaign to fluoridate water in many towns throughout the country. The course will examine the price curves for the chemical during the past 30 years with special reference to creating an artificial shortage.

.Health the Ethical Committment: A year-long offering that would explore the ethical mission of health services, and how to choose a specialty. Emphasis on brain and plastic surgery, and finding tomorrow's high-paying specialities today.

.Life after Public Health school: A how-to-course that would instruct students on the best way to network yourself a health job after you graduate. Meets once a week, with a special field trip to the Harvard Club.

.Disaster Management: Discusses possible entry into the Red Cross's market of disaster aid. Includes an assessment of greenmail offerings from the humanitarian group to keep you out of the market.

.The Science of Suicide: Studies the pharmacology of "poison pills".

.Obesity and Living the Good Life: A course on the rigors of dining at New York's three-star resturants. With special emphasis on the caloric value of a typical serving of hors d'oeuvres at various Park Avenue eateries.

.The Cotton Swab: How the invention of useless health items can lead to the making of millions, and why owning stock in the idea is even better.

Your humble servant, Ivan Boesky.