Hello Francois, It's Me, P.W.

The following "phone conversation" between South African State President P.W. Botha and France's President Francois Mitterand was intercepted last night over an obscure Southern Africa radio station. It seems to clear up several loose ends in the global politics surrounding the ongoing Black uprisings and subsequent legal imprisonments-without-trial of Black leaders in South Africa. Botha declared a "state of emergency" in the country almost four weeks ago, during which time police have detained about 1500 people. Three week's ago, in response to the declaration. Fabius announced France would half all new South African investments in 18 months unless significant reforms were enacted.

Botha: Hello Francois, is that you? How's it looking over there?

Mitterand: Not so bad. Looks like our move to cut all investments in your country has appeased the international audience for the time being.

Botha: Yeah, that was pretty slick making that announcement while not proposing actually to do anything for another 18 months.

Mitterand: You seem to be getting a lot of bad press, though, P.W. Many westerners who watched your speech last night were hoping you would extend universal suffrage to all South African people or at least enact something that looked progressive. I'm glad you decided to keep the white aristocracy strong, but that was very naughty of you not to meet with Bishop Tutu a few week's ago.

Botha: I know, I know. Ron told me the same thing just before he left for Santa Barbara. But I've got you guys, some of the U.N. Security Council and Ron's group in the State Department on my side. Why should I talk to that rabble rouser anyway?

Mitterand: You've got to play it strategically. Botha, Remember our agreement? I okay the investment pullout, our boys in the U.N. put forward a few proposals that sound good but will never get much support, and you...

Botha: I just stay quiet and make sure the rowdies are in jail and ensure that we stay rich.

Mitterand: Well, you could have met with Tutu. It would have been a symbolic gesture and might have given your police some breathing space. Don't forget, P.W., you've got a lot of very rich people on your side. Most of them would put up an enormous battle before pulling stock out of a country with such a cheap labor market. Besides, your gold mines supply 70 percent of the free world and you only have to pay the workers $55 each week. As far as some of the western exports go--do you think IBM would pull out of such a lucrative market?

Botha: Yeah, you're probably right. It's just all this unrest makes me want to rest all the more. Maybe Ron will invite me to the ranch. We could soak in some rays, sip tropical drinks and talk about reforming this country in a gradual way. It seems so strange to me that all these chaps are so angry.

Mitterand: It probably has something to do with their working and living in some of the worst conditions on earth and not having even a parliamentary channel to change things. You should know all that, P.W. Just make sure you're not getting sentimental on us.

Botha: Sentimental. Oh, I'm far from that. Damn worried is a better adjective for my state right now. A shiver went through me when you mentioned gold a minute ago. With all this angry activity reaching levels of Sharpville in 1960 and Soweto in 1976, that miners strike scheduled for August 25 seems to be a real threat. I mean if all 400,000 Black miners walked out, we'd lose more than half of our exports. And we've only got 275,000 police and military officers. How could they quell a worker uprising much larger than the size of their ranks?

Mitterand: Shhhhhhh! Will you keep it down. If your paranoia about that leaked to the public, they would all realize how much of a threat the strike really is. Just remember the plan. Let us distract attention from the coal, diamond and gold miners with out economic sanctions. You may not have to worry too much anyway. Cyril Ramaphosa [general secretary of South Africa's National Union of Mineworkers] says only 240,000 belong to the union, and your Chamber of Mines reports that figure at only 83,000. It may not go off too well.

Botha: I don't know. That revolutionary-backed United Democratic Front has a few big unions behind it. And the workers have been pretty active here since 1980. Only 101 strikes occurred in 1979, then boom. They went up to 207 the next year. And since 1980, membership in Black unions has mushroomed from 220,000 to about 700,000. They even called to two-day general strike last fall. Can you imagine? They might shut down the entire economy. You guys better send some troops down here.

Mitterand: Now, P.W., relax. We can't openly support you. We'd blow our cover and unveil the real reason we're interested in South Africa--a cheaper labor supply than we'll ever find in this grape-infested country. The best thing we can do is wait it out. Remember what that U.S. State Department official said: "Sharpville blew over, and Soweto blew over, and even though this is worse, there's nowhere it can really go."

Botha: Except into a bloody revolution! If those miners strike, they might have enough leverage to cause some real problems. They could demand an end to apartheid, call for universal suffrage, or, even worse, take control of their workplace by setting up worker delegations of their own. Not even the Soviets would touch that. Maybe I should just capitulate, release Nelson Mandela and head for Santa Barbara. Besides, sometimes I sort of feels sorry for those 22 million Blacks. You'll have to admit, the way we run things does here is a little unfair.

Mitterand: Easy, P.W. Letting Mandela out of jail would give the masses more fortitude we may not be able to counter. Our valuable capital is at stake. The U.S. defense industry might go under without the precious metals you provide them. We're all depending on you.

Botha: Okay, I'll keep listening to your guys. But could you promise me one thing?

Mitterand: What's that?

Botha: A little vacation after this is blows over. I hear those center California beaches are looking mighty nice these days, if you know what mean.

Mitterand: We'll see, P.W., we'll see.