Defending the Hearth

ONE BRIGHT DAY in Kent, England retired glove salesman W. Morgan Petty heard about an interview with a prominent American General. Not to worry, said the general: A nuclear war can be confined to a very small area. Petty was greatly encouraged by those findings- certianly the Super Powers had nothing against him or any of his neighbors and would therefore pick a small area well away from his house. So Petty and his tenacious sidekick Roger declared the house and garden a nuclear free zone.

So beigns The Defense Diaries of W. Morgan Petty, which chronicles Petty's efforts to ensure the safety of 3 Cherry Drive. After all, it's one thing to say your house is bomb free and quite another to get the Super Powers to cooperate. Petty's diaries include the replies of officials to his queries about joining NATO, formalizing a state of non-aggression with the Soviet Union, and protecting his garden vegetables against nuclear fallout.

Petty soon realizes that there will be problems even after the nuclear war has taken place. What about the inevitable post-nuclear invasion of Soviet troops? Since Soviet leader Yuri Andropov never responded to his invitation to visit Cherry Drive and sign a treaty, Petty decides to fortify his house and garden against such an invasion. But the bank promptly denies the pair a loan to purchase the necessary hardware, forcing Petty and Roger to launch a fundraising drive for their tanks and aircraft. They ask Prince Charles to appear at a teatime piano concert featuring one of their neighbors: he politely declines. They plan a "Bring-and-Buy" sale and ask Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher to contribute an item. But they receive no help in those quarters, and their dund-raising drive falls short.

Resourceful as ever, PEtty and the redoubtlable Roger decide they will have to make do with what they have. We find Roger consucting military exercises and falling into the duck pond. Roger patrolling the yard falling into the duck pond, Roger ezperimenting with do-it-yourself bean can bombs and falling into the duck pond. One of their better ideas is to convert a microwave oven into a missile deflector. Unfortunately, this piece of genius is ultimately stymied by Roger's lack of techincal expertise.

To dismiss The Defense Diaries as simply a frothly piece of British humor would be missing the point- Petty's ideas are funny precisely because they make so much sense. Many of the people who respond to Petty's letters recognize this and attempts the same sort of humor. The Admiral Lord Hill-Norton writes: "I am excited to think that one corner of a Kenish field is slowly defended. I have a Roger feel that this would usefully thicken up your defenses. If you are not accustomed to their use you can quites suddenly become about nine inches shorter, usually in the non- master leg."

There is a note of wistfulness in the Admiral's letter, Petty has retained the sense of control that many of us have lost in a time when a cadre or two of important men can wreak nearly infinite destruction. And the Admiral's offer wins Petty's undying gratitude: "The efficiency of those military men is a constant source of wonderment to me...Not only will it help our borders but also clear out an awkward corner of couch grass near the strawberries.

More funny, and also more sad, is Petty's belief in the competence of American government officials. Whenever he is confronted with another piece of the government's insanity, he assumes there must be a reason. He hears about an American airplane designed to jam communications prior to an attack by other U.S. aircraff, and remarks:

I must confess that I find this a little strange, as I have always heard that American nuclear weapons were for defence only and, if you've been attacked, you would not need to jam communications as the enemy would undoubtedly expect retaliation. Still, I am sure there is an explanation that would not occur to simple souls like us.

SOME TIMES, however, the only explanation is a simple one- and yet we never hear an American official admitting the contradictions, much less bankruptcy, of nuclear deterrence. Things are more sophisticated these days. And this inability to confess to the devastating folly of nuclear armaments provides a chilling edge to Petty's otherwise enjoyable satire.

There are all sorts of ways to work against nuclear catastrophe- lobbying Congress, meditating on world peace, marching in the streets. Vigilance, of course, can be tedious, and it has not yet brought the knid of reassurance that people like W. Morgan Petty are looking for. When we find that no one will take him seriously, and that no one will promise not to drop the bomb, it's hard to be cheerful at all. This crisis of cynicism may get a chance to be more important than the immediate threats to our safety. Hope is what you have when you don't have much else.

So I'm keeping my hopes up. Tinfoil is supposed to be pretty effecting against nuclear radiation, so I'm convering my windows. Once I figure out how to rig up a microwave, we won't even need the foil. I just hope the MBTA keeps on running.

To dismiss The Defense Diaries as simply a frothly piece of British humor would be missing the point- Petty's ideas are funny precisely because they make so much sense. Many of the people who respond to Petty's letters recognize this and attempts the same sort of humor. The Admiral Lord Hill-Norton writes: "I am excited to think that one corner of a Kenish field is slowly defended. I have a Roger feel that this would usefully thicken up your defenses. If you are not accustomed to their use you can quites suddenly become about nine inches shorter, usually in the non- master leg."

There is a note of wistfulness in the Admiral's letter, Petty has retained the sense of control that many of us have lost in a time when a cadre or two of important men can wreak nearly infinite destruction. And the Admiral's offer wins Petty's undying gratitude: "The efficiency of those military men is a constant source of wonderment to me...Not only will it help our borders but also clear out an awkward corner of couch grass near the strawberries.

More funny, and also more sad, is Petty's belief in the competence of American government officials. Whenever he is confronted with another piece of the government's insanity, he assumes there must be a reason. He hears about an American airplane designed to jam communications prior to an attack by other U.S. aircraff, and remarks:

I must confess that I find this a little strange, as I have always heard that American nuclear weapons were for defence only and, if you've been attacked, you would not need to jam communications as the enemy would undoubtedly expect retaliation. Still, I am sure there is an explanation that would not occur to simple souls like us.

SOME TIMES, however, the only explanation is a simple one- and yet we never hear an American official admitting the contradictions, much less bankruptcy, of nuclear deterrence. Things are more sophisticated these days. And this inability to confess to the devastating folly of nuclear armaments provides a chilling edge to Petty's otherwise enjoyable satire.

There are all sorts of ways to work against nuclear catastrophe- lobbying Congress, meditating on world peace, marching in the streets. Vigilance, of course, can be tedious, and it has not yet brought the knid of reassurance that people like W. Morgan Petty are looking for. When we find that no one will take him seriously, and that no one will promise not to drop the bomb, it's hard to be cheerful at all. This crisis of cynicism may get a chance to be more important than the immediate threats to our safety. Hope is what you have when you don't have much else.

So I'm keeping my hopes up. Tinfoil is supposed to be pretty effecting against nuclear radiation, so I'm convering my windows. Once I figure out how to rig up a microwave, we won't even need the foil. I just hope the MBTA keeps on running.

There is a note of wistfulness in the Admiral's letter, Petty has retained the sense of control that many of us have lost in a time when a cadre or two of important men can wreak nearly infinite destruction. And the Admiral's offer wins Petty's undying gratitude: "The efficiency of those military men is a constant source of wonderment to me...Not only will it help our borders but also clear out an awkward corner of couch grass near the strawberries.

More funny, and also more sad, is Petty's belief in the competence of American government officials. Whenever he is confronted with another piece of the government's insanity, he assumes there must be a reason. He hears about an American airplane designed to jam communications prior to an attack by other U.S. aircraff, and remarks:

I must confess that I find this a little strange, as I have always heard that American nuclear weapons were for defence only and, if you've been attacked, you would not need to jam communications as the enemy would undoubtedly expect retaliation. Still, I am sure there is an explanation that would not occur to simple souls like us.

SOME TIMES, however, the only explanation is a simple one- and yet we never hear an American official admitting the contradictions, much less bankruptcy, of nuclear deterrence. Things are more sophisticated these days. And this inability to confess to the devastating folly of nuclear armaments provides a chilling edge to Petty's otherwise enjoyable satire.

There are all sorts of ways to work against nuclear catastrophe- lobbying Congress, meditating on world peace, marching in the streets. Vigilance, of course, can be tedious, and it has not yet brought the knid of reassurance that people like W. Morgan Petty are looking for. When we find that no one will take him seriously, and that no one will promise not to drop the bomb, it's hard to be cheerful at all. This crisis of cynicism may get a chance to be more important than the immediate threats to our safety. Hope is what you have when you don't have much else.

So I'm keeping my hopes up. Tinfoil is supposed to be pretty effecting against nuclear radiation, so I'm convering my windows. Once I figure out how to rig up a microwave, we won't even need the foil. I just hope the MBTA keeps on running.

More funny, and also more sad, is Petty's belief in the competence of American government officials. Whenever he is confronted with another piece of the government's insanity, he assumes there must be a reason. He hears about an American airplane designed to jam communications prior to an attack by other U.S. aircraff, and remarks:

I must confess that I find this a little strange, as I have always heard that American nuclear weapons were for defence only and, if you've been attacked, you would not need to jam communications as the enemy would undoubtedly expect retaliation. Still, I am sure there is an explanation that would not occur to simple souls like us.

SOME TIMES, however, the only explanation is a simple one- and yet we never hear an American official admitting the contradictions, much less bankruptcy, of nuclear deterrence. Things are more sophisticated these days. And this inability to confess to the devastating folly of nuclear armaments provides a chilling edge to Petty's otherwise enjoyable satire.

There are all sorts of ways to work against nuclear catastrophe- lobbying Congress, meditating on world peace, marching in the streets. Vigilance, of course, can be tedious, and it has not yet brought the knid of reassurance that people like W. Morgan Petty are looking for. When we find that no one will take him seriously, and that no one will promise not to drop the bomb, it's hard to be cheerful at all. This crisis of cynicism may get a chance to be more important than the immediate threats to our safety. Hope is what you have when you don't have much else.

So I'm keeping my hopes up. Tinfoil is supposed to be pretty effecting against nuclear radiation, so I'm convering my windows. Once I figure out how to rig up a microwave, we won't even need the foil. I just hope the MBTA keeps on running.