They're Still Heeeere...'

IT IS THE YEAR 2000. The following is a transcript of a long-running movie review show starring two well-known film critics, formerly based in Chicago. Because of their advancing years, though, the show is broadcast from their home in a day-care center for the critically disgruntled in Sarasota, Florida.

Siskel: "Good evening and welcome to possibly the most exciting and important show we've ever done. We are devoting the entire program to one devastating series of films, a homegrown product that had to be exported to France before it gained its deserved recognition in this country. I'm speaking of course of the recent rerelease of all 13 parts of that American Gross-Out Gothic, Friday the Thirteenth."

Ebert: "Yes, Gene, I guess the overwhelming success of this modern Odyssey at the Cannes film festival just goes to prove the old adage: 'A prophet is not without honor save in his own country.'"

Siskel: "Well plagiarized, Roger. You know, I think it is about time that Dan Steinman got credit for what amounts to a complete revolution in filmmaking. When seen limb to limb, the episodes in this saga form an existential drama, like those of Beckett, where the characters are hopelessly trapped by a world that does not make sense--and indeed can prove very deadly. If I'm not wrong, you originally panned the films."

Ebert (harumphing): "On the contrary, Gene, I think I can say that right from the beginning I identified Steinman's genius. Once again, you're just being squeamish. His is a lighthearted world, poking well-aimed jests at one of society's most cherished values: namely, the preconception that mutilating other people is always a bad thing. It was you, I seem to recall, who originally nuked these classics."

Siskel (pursing his ever-thinning lips): "No, Roger, I'm afraid your aged mind has got it all wrong. I've always had a profound respect for Steinman's vision. Why, take part 5: it's devastating, just devastating. All obsessions with characterization are gone. Instead, we have 30 faceless figures, paragons of modern man, wandering around, not doing anything at all interesting, just waiting in line until their inevitable slaughter. It's a disutopia that would terrify even Kafka."

Ebert: "Well, I always thought that Kafka was funny and I certainly think the same of these works. I mean just look at the variety of weapons that Jason Voorhees, our friendly neighborhood psycho, keeps on hand I mean he has a machete, a spear-gun, a penknife, a chainsaw, a leather thong, an axe, a bow and arrow, a pair of garden shears, and other sharp, pointy objects. And all of these just happen to be indigenous to the Lake Crystal area. I laughed all day long."

Siskel: "Those weapons, Gene, are not the stuff of comedy. They represent the constrictions that keep man from reaching his ultimate humanity. Steinman's real genius is that these are multi-edged weapons: political, economic, religious, sexual. This film operates on so many different levels it's just devastating, as you seem unable to recognize."

Ebert (trying to tuck himself back into back into his immense sweater): "The only thing that's devastating is Jason's efficiency. I mean, if the New York Islanders had a goalie that played with that kind of intensity, they'd win 10 Stanley Cups. And Steinman uses his star player to drive home the message that in a world as ludicrously violent as ours, the only same thing to do is sit back and laugh in a fit of voyeuristic ecstasy. If you'd loosen your bow tie, you'd realize that."

Siskel (unfastening the clips of his cravatte): "How can you say such things? Just look at the body count for Part 5 alone: 15 normal on--camera hackings, four off--camera carvings of which we only see the results, three dream slicings which we view in all their glory, and three half dicings where we are never sure if the the weapon actually reaches the victims. Over 60 disembowellments and skull-crushings in the first five series. God, Roger, this is the sort of stuff that goes on out there!"

Ebert (blowing his nose loudly): "And I think that's funny. How could you not laugh at a world in which the killer can get shot, axed in the head, downed and run over by a bulldozer and still keep on ripping. Jason is the Timex watch of psychopathic killers. Part 5 even pays tribute to Jerry Lewis's touching imitations of spastics by setting up Jason in a mental institution. With this intricate plot twist, he can back has way through orphans, stutters, nymphomaniacs, hicks and all the other people that no one really cares about."

Siskel: "Though I am still very devastated, I think we can agree that in these films no one really cares about anything."

Ebert: "That, my old friend, we can. And now we're going to give a look at what's coming up in the upcoming weeks, Gene?"

Siskel: "That's right. Next week: Friday the 13th Part 7, where Jason boards the Love Boat for a Caribbean kill-cruise."

Ebert: "And then Part 10, where he becomes Pope for a month of Vatican vivisection. Filmed in Latin, with English subtitles."

Siskel "How about Part 12: night of the Living Jasons,where he learns asexual reproduction and thousands of his clones stalk the woods of West Burbank, California?"

Ebert: "And at the end of the month, we wrap it up with Part 13: Wrestlemania II, where Jason teams up with Hulk Hogan and Mr. T against the Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, and other of this country's enemies in "The Final War To Settle The Score."

Siskel: "Well, that's it. Until next time save us the aisle seat."