Adult Responsibilities

A GREAT DEAL of praise has already been lavished on the concerned citizens and legislators who have kindly saved 20-year olds from ruin by raising the the drinking age, and I think it's time we returned the favor.

After everything these conscientious adults have done to protect young people from alcohol, it's obscene to force these elders to keep drinking.

I would now like to propose a national maximum drinking age of 29, effective immediately.

There will, of course, be some arguments against this bold stroke at improving society, but they are easy to overcome.

People may say that this age seems arbitrary, but I assure them that the difference between 29 and 30, or even 35, is no smaller than the gulf between 20 and 21. As was the case with 18-year olds, there will also be a feeling that it is unfair to deprive 30-years olds, who are still young enough to be drafted and sent to war, of the right to drink. This can be solved by allowing adults to drink on Army bases, which will also help boost enlistment. There will be unfortunate cases of Chiefs of Staff who retire after 50 years of service and can't get served in bars, but that's life.

I can already imagine a lot of empty talk among our elders about "adult responsibility", but such an argument is inherently self-defeating.

If we think it's immoral and dangerous to have irresponsible young people running around blasted, then what about middle-aged professionals? Do we want doctors and business leaders stumbling around in a stupor, sewing people's lips to their armpits or accidentally diyesting from South America? Certainly not. These people have too many "adult responsibilities" to be out there drinking.

Retired people should not be exempt from this legislation, either. They have shuffleboard and Miami; they should be happy with that. What can they do when they're drunk, anyway?

Another reason for the maximum drinking age is to keep alcohol away from politicians. Obviously, there's been too much drinking going on in Washington. If you disagree with this premise, then how do you explain the fact that there are $600 thumbtacks in use in the Pentagon?

DRINKING and voting.

They probably thought they were buying Star Wars equipment when they took that bid. If you catch Congress on a Saturday night, they'll probably agree to anything short of a pay cut.

Have you ever wonder why Congress shifted its postion on aid to the contras so quickly?

I can see what the House looked like the morning Daniel Ortega went to Moscow. Lying around on the benches, someone looked at a paper, and staggered to his feet:

"Uh-oh, Tip. It says here this guy's a pinko. We didn't cut aid to the rebel after we played quarters last night, did we?"

435 cups of coffee later, Congress had changed its mind.

Something ought to be done to keep Capitol Hill dry. Perhaps signs saying "Friends don't let friends vote drunk", or "If a friend's been drinking, vote for him by proxy" might be in order.

We also need to keep alcohol out of the Oval Office. Even though I'm sure the story about President Reagan and Ed Meese calling Gorbachev on the hotline after a night on the town and asking him if his refrigerator was running is just a vicious rumor, it's not worth taking the risk. A breathalizer test before pushing the button is the least we can do.

It should not be forgotten that all of these measures are meant to help adults, and not to hurt them. We want to keep them out of trouble, and protect them from themselves.

For anyone who thinks that drinking only leads to delinquency among minors, let me pose this question:

Think of the last time you saw a 20-year old drinking Old Grand-Dad from the bottle. Where was he? A party at Eliot house, or at the Pudding.

NOW, THINK ABOUT the last time you saw a 50-year old doing that. Where was he? That's right--on a sewer grate on Dunster Street.

Clearly, old people just cannot hold their liquor.

The drinking age must be strongly enforced, with the only grandfather clause being one which prohibits grandparents from drinking.

Old people, it can be expected, will try, just as minors have always done, to get away with breaking the law. Many will beg their grandchildren to let them borrow their ID's for the weekend, even though this constitutes contibuting to the delinquency of an elder.

Finally, these people, who are as articulate and responsible as a 20-year old, will learn the pain of scenes like this one, which are bound to occur outside of bars.

"Hey, pops, you got any ID?"

"Y-yes, son-I mean sir. Right here."

"Hmmmmm. You don't look 29. Who was president when you were born, Roosevelt?"

"N-no..."

"Hey! Is that Grecian formula I smell in your hair, gramps? Are those your real teeth?"

"Yes-I mean, n--"

"Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here. Go home and play with your metal detector."

Perhaps, after enough scenes like this, they'll begin to understand what the drinking age is all about.