Stranger Than Fiction?

The following article first appeared on January 12, 1983.

These are bleak times for Harvard undergraduates. While our friends at other colleges frolic on vacation or settle themselves in for a new term, the weeks ahead hold only anxiety and depression, as we scowl away in a gloomy series of library carrels.

But one of the few cheery aspects of exam period is that over the years, it has inspired a lively collection of seasonal tales. Some are apocryphal, and some are founded in documented truth. All are reassuring reminders that January's misery is common to everyone and has its brighter side. Here are four of the best.

***

The most famous exam story concerns a student who found himself starting work on the second half of his exam in Memorial Hall, just as the proctor called out that time was up. The proctor proceeded to walk around the room, collecting all the bluebooks, but somehow he overlooked this particular student, who continued to scribble away frantically in a dark back-corner of the hall.

For some time, then, the proctor put all the blue books in order in a big pile at the front of the room, cross-checked them with the attendance list for the exam, and performed all the various other administrative duties that proctors must perform at the end of an exam. Meanwhile, the lone student scrawled away in his dark corner.

As the proctor was getting ready to leave the building, about half an hour after the exam had officially ended, he noticed the delinquent student, still writing as fast as his hand could fly across the page. The proctor was shocked, and in his sternest administrator's voice, he summoned the student to the front desk. The offender lay down his pencil, picked up his blue book, and slowly trundled across the hall.

"You have been writing for a full half hour in excess of the allotted time," said the proctor. "According to university rules, I am compelled to consider your exam invalid."

The student drew himself up to his fullest height, looked the proctor squarely in the eye, and said in outrage. "Do you have any idea who I am?"

"Why, no," said the proctor, surprised.

"Good," said the student, and he ran over to the huge pile of exams on the front desk, threw his blue-book into the middle of the mess, and dashed out of the room.

***

One reading period, four pre-med roommates found their organic chemistry final approaching faster than they might ideally have wished. The day before the exam, they realized that their hopes for success on the test were dim at best. And their hopes of admission into medical school, which in turn, of course, had immeasurable influence on their hopes for fiscally rewarding adult lives were fading before their eyes. Calculating realistically, they determined that what they really needed was another solid 48 hours to study for the exam, which unfortunately was scheduled in approximately 23.

The quartet decided to take drastic action. Off they went to a neighborhood car-rental agency, where they engaged a car for the next two days. They all piled in and drove a couple of hours' distance from Cambridge--far enough away so that no one they knew would be likely to stumble upon them. For the next day and a half, they locked themselves into a motel room, and crammed intensively for their organic final.

On the day after the scheduled exam date, they were all confident they had mastered the course material, and they returned back to school. When they had returned the car, the four walked over to their chemistry professor's office in Mallinckrodt Hall. They found him at his desk, grading exams.

"Sir," said their spokesman, "we have a terrible calamity to relate to you. The four of us spent the last week in a special organic chemistry research center out of town, studying day and night for your course. Our labors were enhanced, of course, by the unique organic chemistry resources the center features, which offered us a rare and enriching supplementary perspective to the stimulating coursework you had to offer.

"But on the day we left the center to return for our exam, our car ran over an enormous nail on the highway, which ripped right through one of the tires. There was no spare in the car, and no repairman was available until the next day. We were in a remote area, and there was no other choice for us but to spend the night in a nearby motel. Only today was the tire repaired, and so we are a day late for your final.."

The spokesman shook her head. "Here are the rent-a-car and hotel receipts, to prove the truth of our story," she added sadly.

The chemistry professor smiled. "Why should I doubt your story?" he said. "Come with me, and I'll give you the exam right now."

The four roommates exchanged glances of triumph and followed the professor into a nearby classroom. The professor showed them each to a seat in a different corner of the room.

"Now," he said. "Because you are obviously taking the exam under unusually stressful circumstances, I will be giving you only one question to answer--that ought to suffice." He took out four pieces of paper and scribbled something on each one. The roommates smiled happily at each other as the professor walked from corner to corner, distributing the papers face down.

"All right," he said at last. "You may start the exam." The four roommates turned over the pages. Each one bore the same two words: "WHICH TIRE?"

***

A student in a European history course stopped going to class after the first lecture, never attended section, and never so much as skimmed through any of the 14 required textbooks. On the day of the final, he walked into the exam room, realized that the ensuing three hours were bound to be little more than a wretched farce, and decided to adopt the noblest course of action he could.

Bravely, he marched up to the proctor, cleared his throat, and said, "I am woefully under prepared for this exam. It will be an insult for me, you, and my professor for me to take this test. Please mark me down for an F and I will not subject myself to this painful travesty."

The proctor told the student not to despair--the professor had left specific instructions that any member of the class who felt incompetent to take the exam should go right away to his office. So the student left the room and walked over to Robinson Hall. The professor greeted him warmly and bid him sit down. "What seems to be the problem," he asked in a kind voice.

"I'm afraid, sir, I'm just not prepared for your exam today," said the student.

"Well, now," said the professor. "I know a lot of bright history students who just have a mental block against writing blue-book essays in a high-pressure exam situation. Suppose you sit right there and I'll give you an oral exam instead--we'll just have a relaxed conversation about the course."

The student nodded. "Now, then," began the professor. "What would you say were the leading economic factors in Germany and Italy at the turn of the 18th century?"

The student could only shrug. "Not to worry, not to worry," said the professor. "Plenty of my sharpest students just don't have a mind for economics. Suppose I ask you this How do you think the moral precepts of the Jacobeans influenced foreign policy in England?"

The student shook his head "Quite understandable," chuckled the professor "Scholars around the world have yet to come up with a satisfactory question. Quite understandable can you summarize on education?" The student shook his head. "How about a summary of Bismarck's coursed of imperial unification. "Well, then," said the professor, "what were the dates of the French Revolution?" Silence, "Within 15 years?" Still no response. "How about the American revolution?" Nothing, "Well, can you tell me roughly where France and Germany are geographically located, in relation to the United States?"

"I'm afraid I can't," said the student.

The professor shook his head, and opened up his middle drawer. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling out his black grade book. "I've made an effort to work things out here, really I have." He flipped through the book until he found the page he was looking for. "Here we are," he said. "I'm afraid my little attempt to loosen you up hasn't proven too successful. I really have no other choice: You will have to receive a 'C' for the course."

***

The last classic Harvard exam tale concerns the take-home examination in History 1375, "Man and the Sea: Outlines of Maritime History," the celebrated course taught by the late John H. Parry and known as "Boats" among snickering undergraduates.

One year, a hard-working freshman in the course handed in her take-home exam with a little blue whale drawn on the title page. The paper was well-written and thorough, and she received a straight 'A' for it.

The following year, her roommate was enrolled in the same course, and when reading period rolled around, she found she hadn't left herself enough time for the final paper. So on the night the exam was due, she rummaged through her roommate's drawers and found the maritime history paper of the previous year. The next day, she handed it in, complete with the title page and its little blue whale. She too received a straight 'A' for it.

A year passed, and in time, a third student in the rooming group found herself enrolled in the same course. She was no more efficient about planning her reading period than her roommate had been a year earlier, and on the night before the maritime history exam, she found herself digging for her roommate's paper. She handed it in the next day, along with its title page and its little blue whale, and two weeks later received a straight 'A' for it.

The next year, when all the roommates were seniors, the fourth and final member of the suite enrolled in History 1375. Like the majority of her roommates, she realized she was in bad trouble the night before the final paper was due, and so she dredged up the essay her roommate had written three years ago, to such an enthusiastic reception. She handed it in the next morning, but to be on the safe side, she took off the title page, with the little blue whale drawn on it.

After a couple of weeks, the paper was returned, with a short message on the bottom: "C plus--where's the whale?"