Dad's Passport Mom's Birth Certificate

It's the biggest game in town. What in most places would be a simple process--"A gin and tonics, please"--in Harvard Square requires a verbal pas de deux with the bartender and waiter. Ordering drinks or even entering a drinking establishment in the Square if you're under 20 makes one about as popular as Caspar Weinberger at Harvard. Though it varies from bar to bar, a teenager acquiring a drink without two birth certificates and his dad's passport needs a top-notch bullshitting ability to reach his desired goal. Bars have been especially tough recently after the alcohol commission checked up on several Square vendors and discovered-oh, my God!-rampant teenage consumption of alcohol. The currently hard-and-fast 20-over-only rule may be easing, however, as summer wears on. A few bars do not check IDs and the like.

For those over 20, who no longer have the joy of the chase, the Square offers a bar for every taste, establishments which range from ratty to self-consciously effite.

Since the Square is frequented by many non-Harvard students, the drink-seeker should understand that young-looking preps are less welcome some places than others.

The only Square establishment that caters especially to students is the recently opened Piccadilly Filly (123 Mt. Auburn St.), a spacious if overly bright drinking hole near the post office. Drinks are in the cheap side, and the ambience is informal. For those who find the jocky ambience of the Filly a little declasse, the Boathouse (56 JFK St.) promises a full house of pink and green Lacostes expensive, and there's lots of crew paraphenalia on the walls.

Wednesdays and Sundays at the Bow and Arrow (on Bow St., just off Mass. Ave.) mean cheap pitchers of cheap beer, quite simply the cheapest place in the neighborhood to kill those brain cells and get really sick. The rest of the week features different specials, though the crowd is a little rougher. The jukebox, which plays horrible heavy metal music, is loud, but liquor comes first, and everyone there is dedicated to its consumption in large quantities.

Nowhere is the art of getting trashed better practiced than at the Hong Restaurant (1236 Mass. Ave.), its glaring pink exterior unmistakable. Go upstairs past the off-duty cop and the slightly tipsy, muscle-bound bouncer and find mass inhalation of the famed Scorpion Bowl. The Kong also features scores of foreign beers, and the hardy can try to join the 69 Club, by consuming 69 different types of beer in a set period of time. Prices are steep, and after several $7-plus Scorpion Bowls, your wallet may cease to exist.

A similar crowd and atmosphere can be found at Chi-Chi's (1001 Mass. Ave.), the ersatz Mexican restaurant near the Orson Welles Theater. Margaritas with nachos and refried beans are de igucur here, but more than one have grumbled that the frosty beverage does not have enough alcohol to slosh an ant.

More subdued are 33 Dunster St. and Ha 'Penny (F21 Mt. Auburn St.), the latter located near the Filly 33D is comfortable and spacious and drinks are surprisingly cheap, though there is little else there to interest the drinker Ha'Penny, although it is mostly frequented by older area regulars, has the best jukebox in the Square, nice waiters, and fairly inexpensive drinks. The low lighting and small tables make it best for couples or small groups, though it becomes overstuffed in the weekend crush. Best on weekday evenings.

For would-be sophisticates there is Casablanca (40 Brattle St), in the same complex as the Brattle Theater. Casa B comes complete with Bogey and Catherine posters, recessed lighting, slow ceiling fans, a jukebox with "As Time Goes By" and Edith Piaf along with the usual pop. Drinks are more expensive--a must for social climbers--but the wai9ters are very friendly and the atmosphere homey and comfortable.

Several blocks down Mass. Ave. is the Plough and Stars an old-time Irish bar frequented by locals. It is reported to have one of the best Sunday brunches in the Boston area. Good Guinness, too.

The only place that rivals the Kong's brew collection is the Wursthaus (4JFK St.), smack on the Square. In the restaurant, you can order cheeseburger mit French fries and eggs mit bacon, and even a rare customer quickly learns that the 'Haus has about as much to do with Hamburg as the Kong has to do with Canton. Go only if a nice cold Heinie just won't do.

The most local of the Square's bars is Whitney's Cafe (37 JFK St.), next to Urban Outfitters. The drinks are cheap and the beer standard fare as at any other bar in the country, no surprises here. The owner says he wants to attract student business but for some reason almost no one in the Yard has ever heard of it. But if you do go in to watch a ball game on the tube you will not feel unwelcome.

Last but not least is the town-gown crossroads Charlie's Kitchen on Eliot St., where yuppies, preppies, and townies can mingle over Cheeseburger Specials and a cheap glass of beer. It's almost like a touch of reality right here in Cambridge