Strange Bedfellows

ABOUT FOUR IN THE MORNING after Reagan's landslide I awoke drenched in a cold sweat. Two voices, sounding remarkably like those of Reagan and Mondale, whispered into my ear. I still don't know if I was having some bizarre dream or in fact privy to an authentic phone conversation.

Reagan: Fritz?

Mondale: Uh, yes?

Reagan: This is Ron. The right hand gang and I are boozing it up pretty well on these sunny western shores, but listen, I just wanted to thank you for all the help on our campaign blitz.

Mondale: Well, its like I told you a few months ago Ron, "all for one and one for all."

(laughter)

Reagan: Now, Walter, even though the DemoRepub party ran a unified campaign over the past few months, I'd appreciate it if you didn't steal my lines, like "all for one and one for all"?

Mondale: What do you mean stealing your line! You took my beautiful California coastline story. Don't you remember our agreement with Mr. Speakes before our all-network special that I would talk about the scenic car drive?

Reagan: Fritz, you're getting excited. Remember that we decided to leave the exclamatory speech to our running mates. Besides we've restored America. The true patriotic values of family and country shall stand unbending against any...

Mondale: (sigh) You said it was over, Ron.

Reagan: ...and we've convinced Americans that those fringe leftist groups have no place in this country's healthy, law-abiding spirit.

Mondale: You're right there, Ron. I'm surprised Gus Hall didn't get more write-in votes. I mean, you II have to admit there're still some left-wing sentiments among liberal university students and sixties radicals who haven't completely sold out.

Reagan: (laughs) Oh Fritz, have you already forgotten the first principle of our strategic plan to save America? You are the left-wing arm of our campaign. Without you chanting for the poor, anti-nukies and the Sandinistas we probably would've lost that liberal vote to someone who'd really do what you were saying.

Mondale: God forbid. You know, Ron, we're lucky we've got some smart guys behind the scenes. Our advertising drive of you capturing the nation's emotion and me nabbing the American intellect was damn effective. But I'm glad some of those lefty Central America sympathizers didn't look up 1964 in their American history textbooks.

Reagan: Wasn't that the year Mario Andretti led that Commie rebellion at Berkeley?

Mondale: (pause) Um, no that was Mario Savio and he didn't do anything at Berkeley until...just forget it. 1964 was the Johnson/Goldwater race, a contest similar to our sham, I mean, campaign.

Reagan: Oh, yes.

Mondale: Well, Johnson was saying the same gushy things about VietNam twenty years ago that I said about those hell-raising Latinos over the past year. And look how much peace he created after his inaguration.

Reagan: (laughs) Served those Bolshevik Ho Chi Minh backers right. But listen Fritz, I've got to get back to the Republican hullabaloo.

Mondale: Well, why don't I meet you there. We could finish talking, have a few laughs. It'd be a great way to round off the victory.

Reagan: Walter, Walter, Walter, even I know that wouldn't be a wise move. What about the press? If something like this leaked out we could be in deep trouble.

Mondale: Good thinking, Ronald. We'll have plenty of time to discuss the, um, issues and maybe reminisce a bit.

Reagan: Great, you know, Walter this reminds me of the time...

Mondale: Please, Ron, I've got a party too.

Reagan: Okay, I'll let you go Fritz, but thanks again and remember what I always say, "it takes two to tango."

Mondale: I thought that was my line.

Reagan: (laughs) There you go again Fritz.

Mondale: What?

Reagan: Forget it.

(curtains, metaphorically, of course)