The Year of the Wrap

The following predictions for 1984 were unearthed yesterday between two bricks on the south side of Adams House B entry by workmen scouring away the last marks left by ivy and scaffolds. Pock-marked and grimy, illegible in spots, the text has been reconstructed as follows:

January

January 4--President Bok announces that his decision on a successor to Henry Rosovsky as Dean of the Faculty is imminent. Press releases end with a row of six mysterious hieroglyphics. Two days later, the same characters appear on a large banner hung out the front windows of Mass Hall. Bok, in response to questions, only chuckles, adding, "Secrecy is clarity."

The Kennedy School of Government announces that Jane Byrne, former mayor of Chicago, and Frank Rizzo, former mayor of Philadelphia, will join other experienced politicos as K-School fellows. The news pales, though, beside a vague rumors that another invitation from the K-School has been extended to former Secretary of the Interior James Watt. Upwards of 2000 students demonstrate outside the K-School to protest such an appointment, chanting. "Ho,ho,hi,hi. Watt is not our kind of guy."

January 15--With finals just about to begin, students are intrigued and faintly worried by a peculiar meteorological phenomenon--blue snow. Ranging in shade from deep purple to pale cobalt over the course of six hours, the color seems to be strictly local; it is darkest and heaviest between Mass. Ave. and the river, and peters out as nearby as Allston and Somerville. Nevertheless, fears of some strange chemical reaction brought on by research--perhaps nuclear research in Harvard laboratories--begins to mount.

January 20--Another anti-Watt demonstration is held, but because of finals the attendance figure sinks to 54. Those who do not show up are hampered by another fall of snow, this one tinted beige with occasional gusts of bright yellow.

February

February 3--With the beginning of classes comes a third Watt demonstration, which finally provokes a reaction from President Bok. His first Open Letter in several months begins, "Unfortunate excrudescences of public opinion occasionally force the modification of publicity procedures, and so it is in this case. By reacting so strongly to a muddled rumor, Harvard's undergraduates have put themselves in danger of severe embarrassment; to avert further awkwardness. I feel duty-bound to release the true information that sparked the incorrect rumors."

"Presumably," the letter concludes, "those demonstrating so insistently against the prospect of admitting James Watt to the K-School as a fellow will contain their emotions upon learning that he is in fact the new Dean of the Faculty."

In an interview, Bok explains that "the Faculty was getting a little set in its ways; sometimes you need to shake things up a little." He adds, "Animosity is complicity."

February 8--Another snowstorm, maroon this time, somewhat forestalls the inevitable wave of criticism. Cambridge Mayor Alfred E. Vellucci pays a visit to Bok to express the city's concern over possible nuclear or chemical research causing the rainbow snows. Bok promises to investigate and appoints Matthew Meselson, professor of Chemistry, famous for coming up with a reason for "Yellow rain," to look into the matter.

February 14--President Reagan goes on national television with a holiday message. After wishing all Americans a Happy Valentine's Day, the President adds that "if people wasted less money giving each other paper ruffles and expensive candy, this hunger business probably wouldn't be so pressing."

February 24--Green snow falls. Meselson promises that if he can't find a way to half the phenomenon, he will direct his efforts toward coordinating it better with the appropriate occasions. "If this were St. Patrick's Day, no one would be worried--you'd think it was cute," he says.

March

The national Presidential campaign is heating up. Taking their cue from Jesse Jackson and Gary Hart, Reubin Askew and John Glenn team up for an evening on national TV, as do Alan Cranston and George McGovern. Askew is the big loser in this strategy, since a hefty proportion of viewers take him as Glenn's running mate.

March 10--Meselson, after weeks of poring over snow samples, declares that the source of the coloration is not a Harvard chem lab at all but The Corn Popper on Mt. Auburn St., whose "secret process" for flavoring popcorn strawberry, cinnamon and blueberry involves releasing puffs of food coloring, cinnamon and blueberry involves releasing puffs of food coloring into the atmosphere. In developing a new line, "We got a little out of control, I guess," apologizes the store owner.

March 15--Future Faculty Dean Watt visits Cambridge to get acquainted with the terrain. He takes particular care to visit the Harvard Forest and the Arnold Arboretum, and listens with great attention as Crimson Key tour guide tells him about last year's controversy over ivy on the Houses. He says little during the visit, but pronounces himself eager to "get in there and start shaking up all these dusty old profs."

April

April 2--Returning from spring break, students find work has begun outside the Science Center on the Large "suspended mist" fountain planned earlier in the fall. Workers dig out a large circle and start laying plumbing, while curious passers by block entrance to the Science Center. Meanwhile, the Radcliffe Office of the Arts has anticipated the interest in "community art" in distributing grant money, a large chunk of which has gone to Christo, the avant-garde artist, to visit Harvard and wrap the Science Center.

April 3--Christo arrives on campus, but on being shown the Science Center he is infuriated. "That's not a building, it's a Christmas present," he says. "I don't gift wrap."

Office of the Arts officials offer him the option of wrapping some other campus building, and after deliberating awhile Christo chooses the Graduate School of Design's Gund Hall. The next day he reveals that the Visual and Environmental Studies (VES) Department has offered him a visiting professorship in return for swathing Gund Hall in phosphoreseent pink nylon.

April 15--Admission results are in, with some surprising contrasts to previous trends. We've really got the diversity problem whipped this time." exults Director of Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons '67, pointing to a Class of '88 which includes 900 students with red hair, 200 who are fluent in Sanskrit, and 150 who hail from the same small town in northern Nevada. Minority statistics continue to rise, though observers predict more problems than usual in persuading all those who accepted to come to Harvard.

April 21--In a bold rove that some call publicity-grabbing, the K-School announces that it will offer a full professorship to whichever Democratic contender for President finishes last in the primaries. "It's the losers who can really give students the benefit of their experience," explains K-School Dean Graham K. Allison '62, adding, "Defeat is victory."

April 30--Large chunks of masonry begin to fall from Gund Hall; architecture students working late are startled by loud creaks and groans. Investigation reveals that the extra weight of Christo's wrappings has placed an intolerable strain on the already tottering building. B&G workers are called to the scene, but can do nothing other than cart away the fallen bricks.

May

May 1--Fitzsimmons of the Admissions Office proves correct in his optimism--the Class of '88 remains "extremely diverse," he says, with an unusually high yield among minorities. Fitzsimmons issued a special announcement "to thank Derek for letting us spend all that money on guns and phone taps."

May 5--Continuing its push to from the new "Defeat is Victory" program, the K-School announces the appointment of former EPA head Anne Burford and former Secretary of State Alexander Haig as fellows. With the weather turning warm, tents are put up on Kennedy St. to house a rapidly developing overflow. "Indoors is outdoors," chuckles Dean Allison, "at least sort of."

May 11--Incoming Faculty Dean Watt visits once again, this time specifically to see the Adams House Z K-School fellow Burford picks the same weekend to move to Cambridge for the year, and happens to drive past the festivities on the riverbank. "And I thought I had a cleanup problem," the former federal administrator is heard to mutter.

May 20--Christo, having belatedly heard about the damage to Gund Hall, wires an offer "to come back and wrap it tighter." Bok turns down the offer but suggests that Christo consider trying to wrap the mist arising from the new fountain. "Space is structure," he points out.

June

June 5--Bok's Commencement address concerns the need for Harvard "to use its academic programs to have a more specific and striking effect on the world." He declines to elaborate, but mentions the K-School in passing.

The featured speaker, former Boston mayoral candidate Michael Gelber, uses his address to lay out a comprehensive plan to reduce unemployment through development of laser weapon stations on the moon. Bok is seen nodding thoughtfully.

July

The Democratic National Convention begins, amid hoopla, but proceedings are disrupted on the second day by the nationally disseminated announcement that Harvard's K-School will take on as tenured professors not just the Big Loser but all six josers of the Democratic Party nomination. Upon that news, both of the still up challenged front runners, Glenn and Mondale, Suddenly drop out of the race.

"The White House is nice, but the K-School...well.." Mondale says. Glenn adds, "Washington Who?" Bok, in interviews, notes that "The concentration of talent and power in Cambridge, which is what I need for, er, which is what I hoped would result, is very gratifying."

Other candidates follow suit, leaving only Hart, who says, "Those K-School folk aren't as smart as I am I'll stay right here." Allison, undaunted, amends the program to include the eventual loser of the November election, observing, " Flexibility is firmness."

August

The national press discovers that Nancy Reagan's domestic staff apparently pillered some of the Carter Administration's best banquet menus and recipes before the Democratic group left the White House. Anonymous sources accuse the Reagen White House of "gliding to gustatory glory on Carter's culinary casttails." The resulting "cookboakgate" scandal dominates conversations across the nation. President and Mrs. Reagan, meanwhile take off for three weeks vacation in the Philippines, to the constrnation of advisors, who fear foe the couple's safety as well as for relations with the island. Nancy Reagan tells the press that "Ron and I are open minded enough to ignore a little local unrest for the sake of such beautiful beaches." Reagan adds, "It may be a paradox, but their war is our peace."

September

September 4--The K-School erects temporary housing and announces yet another scholarly initiative for its "Defeat is Victory" program, this time aimed at Central America. Any dictator defeated by a military coup may study in Cambridge for six months.

September 12--Freshman Week starts and students get their first exposure to Dean of the Faculty Watt at opening exercises. Gazing out at the assembled Class of '88, Watt muses. "I didn't know so many WASPs had red hair--or are some of you crossbred?" The Glee Club and Radcliffe Choral Society offer a Wayne Newton medley in place of the traditional "Fair Harvard" and "The Only Man at the Radcliffe Tea." For the first time in living memory, parents and freshmen do not leave during the songs.

September 21--Reagan and Hart debate on national TV, with the incumbent calling the Coloradan "a technology-mad threat to the Good Old Days." Hart retorts, "He thinks past is future."

September 28--Unexpected military coups in Guatemala and Honduras give the K-School its first applicants to the new phase of their program.

October

October 11--In his first official move as Faculty Dean, Watt Commissions the buildings of 60 new concrete poster kiosks around the Yard "to improve communications." To complaints that such a move falls outside the Faculty's jurisdiction, Watt replies, "Oh, those rules aren't worth the dead trees they're written on." Bok backs him up. Ousted government officials from Liberia, Guyana, Nepal and Key Biscayne flock to the K-School.

October 20--Gund Hall finally crumples to the ground. Twenty architects are called in to submit sketches for a new building.

October 31--Christo, now a visiting professor in the VES Department, joins the contest with a design for a building resembling a five-story roll of paper towelling. The Corporation approves his plan and hires construction workers. "It will go so nicely with the Sackler Wing of the Fogg," exults Bok.

November

Despite a hot race at the end, Reagan bears out the predictions of a year and is reelected President of the United States. Hart observes that "Cambridge isn't so bad, and besides, I'll be with all my buddies."

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to media, Bok, Watt, the corporation and the Faculty Council meet in secret session. While welcoming a group of dignitaries to the Yard, Bok is heard to murmur, "And you think you're just sightseeing. Well, ignorance is bliss."

November 15--Returning briefly to his official sphere as Dean, Watt issues a statement strongly urging that no new courses be added to the Core Curriculum, "lest this Core put out Leaves, and grow like a green thing."

November 24--A freshman handing in a late term paper in the dead of night stumbles over one of the new, small kiosks, displacing it very slightly from its base. When students return after Thanksgiving, every kiosk is surrounded by a small barbed-wire fence.

December

December 31--Bok rises at dawn and creeps down Kennedy St., where the innumerable visiting dignitaries and failed politicians are carefully accounted for in the new barracks. Checking over a computer-typed list, he nods to himself and walks back up toward the Yard, into his Mass. Hall office. There he presses a small gray button and a recorded message is boorood over Cambridge. By 9 a.m., all local inhabitants have been informed that Harvard, having slowly accrued nine-tenths of the world's trained political leadership through its K-School programs, is poised for world hegemony. If the government of the United States, Soviet Union, People's Republic of China and several strategically placed others do not surrender, Bok will make good his threat to set of the large nuclear warhead concealed within the tower of Memorial Church or the innumerable small ones inside the kiosk-disguised silos in the Yard.

At 5 p.m. after hasty discussion, the superpowers and their major allies tender their unconditional capitulations, and Bok relieved, checks his watch. "Wouldn't it have been a pity." he say to Watt "it is hadn't worked and we'd had to wait till 1985."