Wednesday at the White House

PRESIDENT REAGAN did not go horseback riding in the Virginia countryside last week, signaling that something was very wrong in the nation. In fact, things were so serious that the president spent most of Wednesday afternoon--the time usually reserved for playing cowboy--with his advisers trying to figure out what the trouble was. This proved considerably more difficult than mastering a hurdle.

Reagan, dressed in his jodhpurs and $1000 riding boots, entered the cabinet room, where various advisers and cabinet officers were assembled, grim-faced, around the table. "I'm sorry about that plate, dear," Reagan said to his wife, who had followed him into the room.

"Don't worry Ronnie, we have 199 more." She motioned him into his chair. "Now you just sit right there and listen to these nice men."

"Thanks, honey. Oh, are you going riding with me this afternoon?"

"No, Ronnie, not today. You know how it messes up my hair. I think I'll spend the afternoon talking on the phone with my friends from California."

"Well, have fun, Jane," the president smiled.

Nancy laughed. "He's such a practical joker," she said, leaving the room.

"What a girl, that Jane." The president looked at the men around him. "Well, who's going riding with me today?"

Edwin Meese delivered the bad news. "I'm afraid you can't go horseback riding today. Mr. President. We have too many important problems to discuss this afternoon."

Reagan frowned. "Aw, shucks, Jim, can't you discuss them without me?"

"My name's Ed. Mr. President. I'm sure we could handle these matters without you, sir, but the press might see you leave the White House if you go riding. Maybe if we finish early, you can go before dinner."

This possibility seemed to satisfy Reagan, who began doodling. "Mr. President, I think you need this," said Alexander Haig as he pushed a White House memo pad under the president's pencil.

"Thanks, Cap," Reagan said.

Meese started speaking. "In the vice president's absence, I will conduct this meeting."

Haig interrupted. "Who put you in charge, Ed? The president is here."

"He's preoccupied," Meese responded. "Now let's get started, gentlemen. As you know, the president is going on television tomorrow night to discuss the economic program."

Reagan looked up excitedly. "He is!"

Meese glowered. "Someone give him some jelly beans." An aide brought in a fresh jar, and Reagan began chewing. Meese continued: "We expect some trouble on the news cuts from a coalition of northeastern and middle-western Republicans who are dissatisfied with the program. They call themselves 'Gypsy Moths.' Any ideas on how to handle them?"

THE PRESIDENT stopped chewing. "We have those out at the ranch. They're always getting into Jane's sweaters. Just pick up some mothballs, Mike."

Meese rubbed his eyebrows. "Thank you, Mr. President."

"Cap," Reagan said, "Can you turn your head a little? The light is hitting your nose badly." Haig obliged; the president doodled on.

At this point, the vice president walked in. "Hi, everyone. Golly gee, what's going on?"

"It's a cabinet meeting, George," Meese replied.

Reagan looked up from his pad and frowned. "Who's he?"

"It's the vice president, sir," Meese explained.

Reagan stood and offered his hand. "Good to see you again, Jerry."

"Nice to see you again, Mr. President." Reagan sat down.

"Care to join us, George?" Meese asked.

"Jeepers. I can't, Ed. Just came to pick up some jelly beans before I head off to speak to the national association of hot dog vendors. See ya soon, gang. I've gotta run."

Reagan watched him leave and said. "Well, as that great champion and great American, Winston Churchill, once said. 'He can run, but we'll find him. Now is there anything else, Ted?"

"Yes, sir," Meese answered. "As you know, this Friday the vice president will attend the swearing in of Sandra Day O'Connor..."

"Oh, yes." Reagan interrupted. "The new White House cook. She turns out a great chicken-pot pie."

Meese continued. "Anyone of you who want to go should see me. Now, are there any further questions?"

Caspar Weinberger asked, "What are we going to do about AWACs?"

The president stopped doodling. "Well, Alex. I think the floors look pretty glossy already, don't you? Now, if everything's settled, I'm going riding. See you later, boys." Reagan strolled out.

"Meeting adjourned," Meese muttered, head in hands.