Haven't Had Enough, Huh?

School's out for the summer

School's out forever

School's been blown to pieces --Alice Cooper

One more meal like this and I'll kill you.   --Lippert

There's a good reason why they don't spell "summer school" as a single unhyphenated word. The two concepts summer and school are entirely incompatible.

Not that every summer school in the country is exactly alike. If you go to Harvard summer school, you"ll take boring courses and sweat like a pig in Cambridge. If you go to Cornell, you"ll take boring courses and sweat like a cow in Ithaca.

Don't let it bother you that some schools are primarily for ambitious high schoolers and others for delinquent collegians: the same levelling forces thrive everywhere, forces that can make the most mature college senior behave like a third-grader.

But you need not be too pessimistic. By sticking to the following set of rules, you can probably salvage your "vacation."

* Don't take classes seriously. You won't be alone--very few people do and this is one time when it pays to conform. As a rule your teachers won't take their courses seriously either.

I learned that lesson when I went to Cornell. One government section leader explained the Soviet Union'S resistance to change: "Well, you just can't go up to the leader of the Soviet Union and tell him his proposal is absolute shit." The same day in the same class another student asken what the difference was between the Soviet Union and the U.S.S.R.

* Don't expect anything from summer school administrators. The corollary to this rule is. The food stinks. "When I first arrived at Cornell summer school there were dozens of dogs running around the Arts Quad. Cornell's equivalent of the Yard. As the summer went on their population dwindled while the mysterious dinner dishes labelled "meat" grew in frequency. Make the connection for yourself.

* Sleep a lot. This rule applies across the board to summer schools real schools and life. It"s the only was to get by.

* Play pinball. Another rule of life that applies to summer school as well as everywhere else.

* Don"t be a proctor. This is the biggest no-no of them all. We tormented our proctors and so did everyone else I've ever known to have attended summer school. In case you've already enlisted, here are a few things you'd better get used to. When you open your door, expect to find large buckets of water spilling into your room. When you post sincere messages to your proctees, expect to see them defaced within minutes.

And if, by chance, you expect to get some sleep or--God forbid--do some homework, you've got another thing coming. You'll quickly learn that studying and sleeping are impossible when a dozen nocturnal proctees are playing ultimate frisbee in the halls till sunrise.

* Hang around with weirdos. This may be the only way to salvage a summer--it certainly salvaged mine. It's never hard to find loonies at summer school--in fact it's difficult to find anyone who's not off-the-wall.

My summer at Cornell was full of such bizarre characters. There was the Rodent--one of the most vile and obnoxious creatures ever to crawl the streets of Ithaca. He wore the same football jersey torn at the letters to every class enabling him to examine his bellybutton at leisure. There was Greek the gambler: Captain kirk the pinball wizard: and his roommate Studly the womanizer. There was the Mad Typist who lived down the hall from my dingy basement cell never slept and ingested a dozen No-Doz daily and Howard Machine the visiting professor from Britain who never really caught on to his students' indifference and absence.

And then there was Lippert.

No one really bothered to use or learn his first name: Students and teachers alike called him simply "Lippert." Even his parents sent mail to "Lippert." Standing a stocky 5-ft., 8-in., with wispy medium-length blonde hair wire-framed glasses and a long flattened nose he didn't look too unusual. Nor did his soft-spoken voice seem strange except for its eerie detachment.

But Lippert was different very different. He was you see an animal. He hibernated for more than 12 hours each day emerging between 1 and 2 p.m. After lunch and a quick nap he would arise again to rough-house until 2 a.m., when he would again hit the sack. On weekends he caught up on his sleep.

But it wasn't his laziness that made Lippert different: it was what he did during his occasional waking hours. His game was destruction and for fun he would coolly rip apart furniture doors and walls.

He would send threatening messages to the dining hall chef along the cafeteria conveyor belt. Calmly instructing the cook to "shape up or else." and by the last week of the summer informing him. "One more meal like this, and I'll kill you."

And Lippert was intent on getting exactly what he wanted. Always, On one occasion. Captain Kirk and Studly were in their room, not eager for Lippert's company. Lippert knocked on the door and was told politely not to come in. He pushed against the door trying to force his way in but it wouldn't budge. And so always resourceful he leapt up grabbed ahold of a pipe running above the door swung his feet back and kicked the door in--a feat for which he was later fined $108.27.

Within a week he was back at it. Kirk and Studly had received their new (constantly locked) door, but Lippert has already tired of Kung-fu. Wishing to spend some time with his buddies he crawled out onto a six-inch ledge. 40 feet above a concrete landing and tapped on their window. Fearing more for their own lives than for Lippert's. Kirk and Studly refused to let him in. They paid for this later.

Lippert also led a brigade against my room. I had unwisely drawn his disfavor--leading to a skirmish that resulted in one flooded room (mine), one completely decimated window (also mine), one inundated desk (yes mine). and threats of future revenge including the weekly deluging of my Sunday New York Times.

You probably won't encounter anyone quite so unusual as Lippert in summer school though many will vie for the honor. But if you look for the weirdos--and you're bound to find them--you'll have an interesting summer. Just make sure to lock your doors and windows.CrimsonOren MakovLife in the Yard is more relaxed during the Summer.