Out of Their Cages

You know they're here because beer is flowing out of your entry door and somebody has sprayed the fire extinguisher all over your stereo and your roommate has been painted green.

It doesn't matter that they have lost three games in a row and the man starting at quarterback against Harvard tomorrow has thrown for a total of 17 yards in his varsity career. It is Dartmouth weekend, and nobody is safe.

It is impossible to buy a loaf of bread in Hanover, N.H., this morning. The barber shop and the drug store are closed. Every man, woman and college student in that sickeningly quaint little hamlet has packed his sleeping bag, liter of vodka and can of green spray paint, bundled into his green down jacket and headed south to (and, oh, how I hate this) "Hahvahd" for a weekend of merriment.

Harvard students have important things to do on Saturday morning. They have television to watch, books to read or, most likely, sleep to catch up on. Dartmouth students are used to waking up with the craw of the rooster--except for the one you found passed out under your bed this morning. If he looks familiar it's only because he's wearing your clothes. He has something to do, too, so point him toward the bathroom. It is Dartmouth weekend, and nobody is safe.

If you've been around Cambridge for more than one football season, you've realized Dartmouth takes this whole thing a lot more seriously than we do. Harvard students like to beat Brown because Brown thinks it's as good, Princeton because Princeton acts like it's better, and Yale because that snotty kid down the street who always had scotch tape holding his big, black glasses together and built go-carts out of lego in third grade goes there. And only for Yale--if then--does Harvard go bonkers.

But Harvard is The Game for Dartmouth. Not only is Harvard the most important football game, social event and excuse for drinking between July 4 and Winter Carnical for the Dartmouth student, it is also his only contact with the civilized world between September and May (or August if he goes Summer Session).

That is why so many of them bring the latest translations of the Latin classics to discuss over a leisurely Saturday morning brunch at The Harvard or Cafe Pamplona, and why you see so many of them taking a tour of Widener on Friday afternoon.

Tomorrow it will be all over. Nobody in Cambridge has ever found out if Dartmouth students are good losers or bad losers--they get out of town too fast. Your stereo will be cleaned off, your roommate will have washed off the green, the guy who slept in your kitty litter last night will be gone and he'll take his spray paint with him.

Until then, just lock your door and hope for the best. I'm hoping Peter Coppinger, Rocky Delgadillo and Company will shut down Big Green wide receiver Shaun Teevens (15 catches for 224 yards this year) and hand Dartmouth its fourth straight loss. HARVARD, 24-14, would be nice, especially if we put it away early so they can get the place cleaned up in time for the Head of the Charles. I'm also hoping Tony and Pat, my two biggest roommates, are around in case some guys with beer in one hand and Cicero in the other come knocking. After all, it's Dartmouth weekend and nobody is safe.

Holy Cross came that close to upsetting Yale last week, and I came that close to taking first place back in the Predix Derby. Here we go with the last week before the all-star break...

YALE 35, COLUMBIA 17--New Haven outclasses New York. It makes a Connecticut native proud.

ARMY 40, PRINCETON 13--Gerald (Herschel) Walker runs for 350 yards and three touchdowns. After the game he is sold to Saudi Arabia.

BROWN 14, CORNELL 0--Cornell recovers a fumble on the Brown goal line but has to punt from midfield. Hank Landers keeps on rolling.

Last week: 3-2. Season: 14-9, .609. A hot second half and I'll be the first to win 40 since Jack Chesboro.