The Professor Who Has Everything

Twas three weeks before Christmas, And all through the Yard, Not a student was stirring--Their work was too hard.

Their tickets were bought From the airlines with care, In hopes that trips home Would leave change to spare.

With Bok and the College All in high gear They were scarcely prepared To ooze Christmas cheer.

When out of the Crime There arose a small voice Asking faculty members Their first Christmas choice.

The phone at the Crime Gave a long, deadly pause Suddenly shattered By enormous guffaws.

When what to my wondering Ears should I hear But answers--some funny--And all of them dear.

From the tops of their heads Did they mutter and spout, And erudite words Came tumbling out:

"Now dash it!" "Now darn it!" "You're kidding!" and "Oh!" Or "Frankly, my dear, I really don't know."

Legend has it the elves are working overtime at the North Pole this time of year, but even working round the clock might not be enough to give good little Harvard administrators and faculty members what they are hoping to find under their trees this year.

For example, I. Bernard Cohen, Thomas Professor of the History of Science, wants Santa to bring all the American hostages in Iran home for Christmas. That's a big present, as President Carter well knows.

Mark Goodheart '81, president-elect of the Independent, wants a new house for his weekly, but he added, "I don't think it will fit in Santa's bag." But the "sports-writer"-turned-"executive" said he would settle for a fireplace with a flue that works.

L. Fred Jewett '57, dean of admissions and financial aid, said he would love to have all his admissions folders read for Christmas. He dreams of being able to go to La Scala, the opera house in Milan, for its winter season, however.

A "beautiful cello" as a Christmas present would captivate Raoul Bott, master of Dunster House, who added that "a piano would do, too." On a more mundane level, Bott said neckties or cufflinks didn't sound like a bad idea, since he only has a few of them.

That's not the case with Donald H. Fleming, Trumbull Professor of American History. The intellectual historian's gifts are less thrilling: "I guess I just get nickties," he admitted.

Peter J. Gomes, Plummer Professor of Christian Morals, confided that the one present he could be bribed with is the complete Oxford English Dictionary. He added he had seen it in a bookstore for $404, but for "the best dictionary ever," it's a bargain at the price.

"A good book" is all David C. McClelland, professor of Psychology, wants under his tree. "Since there are so few of them, I'm hoping one will appear out of nowhere," he added.

Richard C. Marius, director of the Expository Writing program, also wants "some good prose" for Christmas. Were the Class of '83 entirely composed of magnanimous Santa elves, he might get it.

One faculty prose-writer, Ezra F. Vogel, professor of Sociology, wants as his present "a little free time" and "a lot of publicity for my book." (Vogel recently published a popular account of Japanese society and economy entitled Japan as Number One. Merry Christmas, Professor.)

John Rawls, Cowles Professor of Philosophy, consulted his wife before deciding that he wanted his grown children, scattered around the country, to come home for the holidays.

Sissela Bok, lecturer on Medical Ethics, agreed that seeing her family together for Christmas would be an ideal present. But she added that she's just finished celebrating her birthday, "so Christmas seems very far away."

A greater public understanding of science would suit Eric J. Chaisson, assistant professor of Astronomy. He didn't mention it, but he might like tenure, too.

Meanwhile, Archie C. Epps III, dean of students, wants a Harvard flag he can hang in front of his home on festive occasions. He defined festive occasions as John Harvard's birthday and football games.

There could be no better present than a good contract for dining hall workers, said Edward Childs, co-chief shop steward of Local 26. "I'd like Harvard to see how Scrooge in 'The Christmas Carol' changed his mind at Christmastime. This could be a New Year's resolution," he added.

"If I had my Christmas wishes from Harvard under my tree, it would have to be a huge tree," Childs added.