How Television Steals Christmas

Everyone knows about Christmas T.V. Cartoons about wounded deer, heartscalding specials, "special episodes" of sit-coms all proliferating in nauseating abundance. But many don't know the best part about Christmas on the tube.

The best part is the soaps. The soap opera Christmas season begins as soon as the World Series ends, and it proceeds in a hysterical fashion for three more months, milking the advertisers' good cheer for every last dime. Turn on a soap in the last quarter of the year. Even odds says some kid--whose father is in jail because they say he killed his wife's boyfriend who is not really her boyfriend because she is actually having an affair with her husband's sister--is discussing with his good-hearted grandfather where to spend the holidays. The grandfather is a doctor. Everybody on soaps is a doctor. And every single room has tacky Christmas decorations, not-so-subliminal advertising to move those new zip-up Totes (from the last commercial) right off the shelves.

And that's what Christmas is all about, isn't it? Television lives off the advertisers and advertisers live off the Christmas season. And since Christmas does not come during the "sweep" weeks--the times when the Nielsen ratings determine the prices for advertising time--the networks just let loose with every possible angle to lubricate the wallets of its viewers.

Advertisers want the kids most of all. And how do you get kids? Cartoons! Right gang. Now if you all get in a circle, I'll give you the names of some of those too-sweet 'toons. Dec. 19th at 8 p.m. on CBS is Dr. Seuss's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," with the late Boris Karloff narrating; ABC, at 7 p.m. on the 16th features "Rudolph's Shiny New Year," and at 8 p.m. the next night, the always cool Pink Panther in "A Pink Christmas." NBC, not to be outdone, offers my personal favorite, Casper The Friendly Ghost, starring in "Casper's First Christmas," the 18th at 8 p.m.

Somehow the 'toons seem' less offensive than the garbage that is targeted at the over-six set. Believe it or not, millions and millions of people will spend the evening hour of 8 to 9 on Dec. 8th in front of an electric box that emits something called the "Pat Boone and Family Christmas Special." For anyone still in possession of his lunch, ABC will again try to make you lose it with the "Donny and Marie Christmas Special," Dec. 14th at 8 p.m. The one hope for decency will come on Christmas Eve, when ABC has a special Christmas episode of "Family," the best dramatic series on television, from 10 to 11 p.m. Don't count on it, though.

When it's not trying to sell, the tube is summing up for you, putting events into a neat little packages that you can place in the memory bank of the '79 department. An extensive investigative reporting search has revealed that the decade ends after this year, offering a golden opportunity for any kind of summary. CBS will weigh in with two hours, 10-11 p.m. on the 28th and 29th, called "The Seventies: A CBS Retrospective." Harry Reasoner, who, in the course of that decade, has gone from CBS to ABC to CBS, will narrate. NBC Sports, continuing its annoying habit of making one word out of every show title, has come up with "Sportsyear '79: The year of the Champion," the 22nd from 4-6 p.m. If it is anything like "Sportsworld," best advice may be to stayaway.

But not from sports altogether. No matter how good--or awful--it sounds now, watching 18 hours a day of football is not going to do much for you. Not that you won't be tempted. Some of the best college match-ups of the decade can be seen in the bowls, especially Southern California vs. Thank-God-No-More-Woody-Hayes Ohio State in the Rose Bowl, and number one Bear-Bryant-Is-Still-Around Alabama against-some as yet unnamed victim in the Sugar Bowl. Oklahoma and Florida State should cook in the Orange Bowl. All three games are New Year's Eve or Day--they seem to run one after another. No matter who's on the field, be sure to check in with Lindsay Nelson at his one-millionth Cotton Bowl appearance.

Lest you think public television is immune to the Christmas Spirit, they give it to you just as determinedly, except with the pinky raised delicately away from the tea cup. "Amahl and the Night Visitors," Giancarlo Menotti's Christmas opera about a crippled shepherd boy who makes good, is on PBS, Dec. 22 at 8 p.m. The "Joy of Bach," (self-explanatory) is the next night at 8 p.m., and then, "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street," Monday the 24th at 8 p.m. The schedule promises a "special interview" with Henry A. Kissinger on "The Dick Cavett Show" Saturday the 22nd at 11:30 p.m. (times vary in other cities). Maybe nice Mr. Kissinger will discuss the Merry Christmas from the air he wished on the people of Vietnam seven years ago.