Religious Dissension Afoot

If they did come, they were expected to keep their opinions to themselves; if they discussed them in public or attempted to act upon them, they were exiled; if they persisted in returning, they were cast out again; if they still came back, as did four Quakers, they were hanged on Boston Common. And from the Puritan point of view, it was good riddance. Perry Miller and Thomas H. Johnson,   The Puritans

For decades, people have been puzzled by just what a "Crimson" is. Animal, vegetable or mineral? It is none; and the search for a Harvard mascot has grown futile. Even if one were found, a Crimson would probably turn out to be some ridiculous-looking nurd approximation with grand horns, webbed feet and a Brooks Brothers button-down.

The time has come to put an end to all the idle speculation. In the throes of the worst Harvard football season since 1950, potentially the poorest in the program's 105-year history, we need some conflict, some fervor, some faith. And the simple introduction of a new mascot could prompt such a spiritual lift.

Harvard Stadium, in the heart of once-Puritan New England, can be the home of a grand new religious uproar, a modern-day, semi-Antinomian crisis. With Penn-sylvania's Quakers coming to Cambridge today, we must band together and reject William Penn's descendants as our forefathers did more than two centuries ago.

Saturday afternoon, the new Harvard Puritan football team will arise to battle the Quakers, to repulse their offensive "inner light" doctrine and their vulgar claims of universal accessibility to perfect communication with God. Such theories are no defence for plain blasphemy.

Religious fervor within the concrete and stone walls of the grand horsesoe could be just the thing to snap Harvard out of its doleful wanderings. No more "beat' em, beat' em, buck' em. . . " We need enlightening recitals of Thomas Hooker's "A True Sight of Sin," or Jonathan Edwards' "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God." We must rally around the Puritan cause and repulse the Quaker blasphemy as our ancestors once did to Anne Hutchinson.

With Joe Restic at the pulpit, the offense on the alter and the defense manning the gallows, the Puritan spirit will rise again victorious. The Multiflex playbook will be the new Bay Psalm Book; and the men in somber black and white uniforms, with broad-brimmed helmets, will lead the way to New England purity--surmounting the invaders and eliminating the heathens.

From Crimson to Puritan, the seemingly small change of name should have dramatic results. But if by some freak chance conventional religious warfare does not work, we can turn to the strategy of John Norton, who, speaking of the Quakers in the 1600s, said, "madmen acting according the their fanatick passions are to be restrained with chaines, when they cannot be restrained otherwise."

The John Cotton Memorial predictions:

PENN at HARVARD--With a combined 1-13 record and sheer embarrassment looking both teams in the face, the Puritans will rise to erase blasphemy and restore respectability. In the spirit of old New England: Harvard 23, Penn 7.

YALE at PRINCETON--The Elis have to win so it'll hurt more when they are upset next week: Yale 33, Princeton 17.

BROWN at DARTMOUTH--The Ivy game of the week brings together two of the Northeast's most worthless cities. Still, the football will be superb, though a fine day from Dave Shula won't be enough: Brown 20, Dartmouth 10.

COLUMBIA at CORNELL--Perhaps the Lions should drop their football program immediately: Cornell 44, Columbia 10.

LAST WEEK--3-1.

SEASON TO DATE--21-14, .600 and on the road to respectability.