JACK'S PROFILES

HOME: Schenectady, New York

AGE: 20

PROFESSION: Cornell University "student" and varsity football starter.

MAJOR: Agriculture

HOBBIES: Growing potatoes and "cruising" downtown Ithaca in a tractor "just for kicks."

MOST MEMORABLE BOOKS: Burpee's 1978 seed catalogue, Eloise Goes to Paris.

LATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Achieved a 3.9 grade point average last spring semester at Cornell, receiving A's in Home Economics 102--Cooking ("Meals for Heels"), Food Management 205 ("Beefsteak"), and Botany 35--Corngrowing ("Stalks for Jocks").

QUOTE: "I'm getting a little bit sick and tired of all this horse manure about Cornell football players being just a bunch of dumb jocks. We have a pissah football team this year, and being an Ag major ain't no piece of cake. It's not like I'm one of those wimps in hotel management or something."

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: "Yeah, I guess it would have to be last year when we were looking at Harvard films. I'm a little deaf in one ear, see, so when Coach Blackman starts talking about the Restic "Multisex" offense, I start giggling, you know, sort of quiet like. And then coach Blackman, he says, 'OK, Elmer, what's the joke? If it's so funny, why don't you share it WITH THE WHOLE TEAM?' So I go, 'Heh, heh, the multisex, what does that mean--some of the the guys wear PANTIES on the field or something?' And then everybody starts laughing, and I guess I was laughing too--yeah, I was laughing--except they were sort of laughing AT me, you know, not WITH me? Boy, what a bonehead move that was--you see, the whole time, it was the multi-FLEX offense."

PROFILE: Big, strong, dumb. And above all else fictitious, or else I'd be dead.

FAVORITE DRINK: Big Red Cowpuncher (6 ozs. Genesee beer, half-cup of fresh cream, jigger-full of tobacco juice, and a packet of unsweetened cherry Kool-Aid, with a twist).

*****

After seeking all sorts of remedies for my miserable 5-7 record following the weird first two weeks of predicting, I headed to the Harvard Pro last Friday night and purchased a six-pack of Schlitz sixteen-ouncers. Downing three of the tall-boys before making my picks, I ended up with six right, zero wrong.

As I write this week's column, I have already consumed six of these monstrous cans, so I'll be lucky if I even get the pairings straight.

Here goes, before I pass out:

CORNELL at HARVARD--Before this year, the Big Red had won just four of its last 30 games. In three games this year, Bob Blackman's squad has already won half that many. The total should stay the same today. Besides Harvard center, Dave Scheper, said he's beat me up if I picked Cornell. Harvard 16, Cornell 14.

YALE at DARTMOUTH--Big Green, big spleen. Yale has the best team in the Ivy League this year, and that's that. And besides, Yale end John Spagnola lives right near me at home and he said he'd beat me up at Thanksgiving if I picked Dartmouth. Yale 35, Dartmouth 16.

PENN at BROWN--A tough one to call between two offensive powerhouses. Penn has upset the Bruins in this game the last two years, but, somehow, I just don't see Brown being eliminated from the Ivy race this early in the year. And besides, I'm SURE there's somebody in downtown Providence who would beat me up if I picked Penn. Uh-huh. Brown 28, Penn 27.

PRINCETON at COLUMBIA--In its first three games, highly-touted Princeton has shown itself to have a slow quarterback, a sloppy veer offense and a porous defense. Then again, every year Columbia seems to be turning the corner, then they fool you and go 2-7. This time the Lions are for real. My brother went to Princeton and told me he'd beat me up if I picked Columbia, but my brother I can handle. Columbia 20, Princeton 17.

LAST WEEK: 6-0

SEASON: 11-7 (.611)

And if that dips below .600 you can blame the Jos. S. Schlitz and Sons Brewing Co.