Help Wanted

Obscure liberal arts college in Boston suburb seeks athletic director. Good pay, flexible hours, prestige galore, free tickets to all athletic contests, home and away. Looks good should you some day apply to law school.

Prerequisites are few. Prefer applicants who can differentiate between intercollegiate and intramural athletics, although this is hardly a necessity. Other requirements include ability to speak on telephone for extended periods of time and varied extracurricular activities, no four of which may overlap.

Job includes room and board (sleeping arrangements possible at 60 Boylston St., eating privileges in Kirkland House). Also, paid vacations to NCAA conventions of your choice, your own office and secretary, and half a dozen official Harvard University Department of Athletics coupon booklets. (If you need more, don't worry. We have friends in high places.)

Naturally, summers are your own, but University will gladly set you up with a counselor position at the summer camp of your dreams should you desire to pick up a few extra bucks.

In addition, athletic director gets to meet may distinguished Harvard and Radcliffe alumni. If you don't believe that they're distinguished, just ask them.

As for the people with whom you'll be working, you couldn't ask for a more understanding group. Whenever you take extended lunch breaks, long weekends or unscheduled vacations, they'll all understand.

Of course, this job isn't all cinnamon and raisin bagels and cream cheese. It requires someone who's on top of the current scene, who's aware of students' problems ("Excuse me, sir, but I have an hourly on Thursday. Can you tell the coach to get me out of it?"), who, most importantly, can talk with other administrators without falling asleep.

The person we choose for the job will have to combine all these qualities, and be in possession of a knockout personality, three irrefutable references (excluding next of kin, friends, teachers and past employers), and two "B" tickets from Disney World.

If you are interested in applying for this position, please hire an agent and contact anybody wearing a big "H" on his/her shirt.

But do so in a hurry. The search committee should take no more than another year and a half to make its selection and subsequent recommendation to President Bok, Time, obviously, is not on your side.

If you have any further questions, you probably don't deserve this job in the first place. Don't let that stop you, though. Call 617-495-5000 at any time, for any information you desire, but don't expect to receive too much help.

And remember, you might never receive this opportunity again.