Steal This Column

This girl at Wellesley wrote me a letter this week to the effect that I shouldn't stop writing this "column" because it gives her such enjoyment, and even though she's never met me she gets a lot of enjoyment out of it, etc., etc. Her name is (Being Witheld) and she lives on the second floor of Bates Hall. The zip code at Wellesley is 02181, and everybody who thinks she was a sweetheart for writing to me should write to her and tell her so. I have never been out to Wellesley, but apparently one of the copies of this silly magazine--which gets thrown from the top of Holyoke Center every week by crazed futurists who think it's going to end up in another galaxy--blew out there one day, and the rest is history. 1342, if I may be so momentarily vain. Everybody should write to (Being Witheld), and to Heather, the Tuesday-night Bates receptionist and phone-charmer, who also lives on the second floor, and hence prompted me to coin the silly disco-oriented joke, "Heather on the second floor," when I called her asking to talk to (Being Witheld). (Being Witheld) is my only correspondent since a Somerville woman threatened several years ago to mail me her body one appendage at a time until I stopped writing this column.

Concerts? Don't bug me with concerts this week, for goodness' sake! The smart money's on this Saturday's first annual Cross Country disco-oriented Moped Rally for late-model mopeds equipped with factory air. Mayor Alfred E. Vellucci will deliver the keynote oration: "Moped--An Italian Word," before 'pedders of many lands take off on a marathon sputter through some of the more colorful sections of Cambridge. The rally will end on the steps of Tommy's, where the always-jovial owner will kiss the front end of the winning bike, discuss his recipe for cheese steak with Paul Bocuse, and declare his candidacy for Mayor.

Johnny Carson basically parlayed the place-name "Oxnard" into an entire West-coast career, so what are you complaining about?

Write letters to me, to Hope, and to the FCC for all I care. Happy Birthday to me, I'm going to sleep. Later,