Spring Training for Presidents

RECENT PRESIDENTS have talked as if governing the country were a sport. Maybe it is. But how do the candidates rate on the field?

With major league spring training and the opening of the Presidential circuit soon to be upon us, here's my 'book' on the season's most promising teams and players.

THE DEMOCRATS

This year playing out of New York City. Season begins February 24 in New Hampshire. In alphabetical order:

JIMMY ("Nuts") CARTER, 1st b. rookie: Earned his nickname from habit of chewing peanuts instead of tobacco; smiles a lot; last year MVP in the Georgia circuit as well as the league's only player.

BIRCH ("Tree") BAYH, c.f. rookie: Good fielder, covers a lot of ground, in fact seems to prefer everyone else's position to his own; has tried to organize a player's union which critics insist will be part of the AFL/CIO.

FRED ("Everyman") HARRIS, l.f. rookie: Just up from the triple-A Grass Roots League; fellow players joke that even away from the ball park, he's "out in left field;" has gotten into numerous disputes this spring over desire to throw fly balls into the stands; claims he does it to help "the little man."

HENRY ("Scoop") JACKSON, r.f. rookie: Eoisterous singles hitter; major fielding weakness is his fondness for right field line--he doesn't like to leave it except between innings.

HUBERT ("Horatio") HUMPHREY a.k.a. HHH, pinch-hitting veteran: The 'old man' of the club; in his fourth major league season; long ball threat although has never come through in the clutch; once on bases loves to run, although his legs went three seasons ago; once described as "deceptively slow;" could appear in the line-up at any time.

MILTON ("Gov.") SHAPP, 3rd b. rookie: Unknown quantity; some say his promotion from the minors was a clerical error, others claim he wandered onto the field one day and no one has had the heart to tell him the Little League game was cancelled.

SARGENT ("Kennedy") SHRIVER, 2nd b. rookie: Given position by wife's family after she complained he was hanging around the house; has stirred up antagonisms by encouraging his teammates to join the Peace Corps.

MORRIS ("Mo") UDALL, ss. rookie: So far no hit, no field; you have to wonder how he made it to the big time; travels to away games by horse-drawn carriage.

GEORGE ("Pointy Head") WALLACE p. veteran: Possessor of a fine hard one but would rather throw it at batters' heads than over the plate; has a reputation for great springs but loses form in the move up north--still, this could always be the year.

SIDELINED

EDWARD ("Teddy") KENNEDY, veteran: Plagued by his Chappaquidick knee, is said to be undergoing corrective operations on his conscience.

GEORGE ("End the War") McGOVERN, veteran: Has never recovered from the backlash of his $1000 a day salary demand of last season.

TEAM STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES

A young team, perhaps too young. Desperately needs a strong leader or manager. The club's inexperience has shown in some glaring ways this spring. Bayh and Harris have knocked each other out chasing the same fly ball while Bayh and Jackson seem to think balls hit in between them possess cooties. On potential double play balls in the infield, Udall often throws to third and the one time he did get it to second, Shriver, in a fit of pique, threw it back. Finally, pitcher Wallace's predilection for putting members of the opposite team on base could hurt in post-season play.

THE REPUBLICANS

This year playing out of Washington--and California and Kansas City. Season begins almost any day.

GERALD ("Gerry") FORD, center rookie: Only MVP never to have played in majors; when first broke in, had to be cured of habit of stopping line drives with his head; has just recently come to grips with other ways of using it.

HENRY ("Bismarck") KISSINGER, p. veteran: Claims to stand above league affiliations; even refuses to wear a uniform--but they couldn't win without him; out of the Harvard minor league system; confesses to being a loner, "I just don't like people."

RONALD ("The Gipper") REAGAN, r.f. rookie: Turned heads at spring camp when suggested that violators of game's rules should be "taken out and shot"; also recommends drastically raising ticket prices to get rid of bleacher "freeloaders"; won't listen to advice on how to play hitters claiming that such would be an encroachment upon local rights.

SIDELINED

RICHARD ("Tricky") NIXON, veteran: Banned from season play as a result of his placing bugs and other objects in Democrat's playing equipment; was found out when he taped himself to improve his fielding average; explained away unpopularity by citing the support of a 'silent majority', presumably TV fans.

NELSON ("Rocky Baby") ROCKEFELLER, veteran. Stated when promoted to club, "I'm all for the team," only to discover team wasn't for him; was told five times to go play with somebody else; still technically on team but only calls the ball names, won't touch it with bat or glove; teammates call him their pet rock.

TEAM STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES

The numerical disadvantage may be deceiving; the club emulates softball showmen The King and his Court, with the important difference that no one knows who's king. Like the Dems, this team needs a manager. Player-manager Ford has been totally ignored by fans and players alike. Scribes say he may soon be out of a job. Maybe he could go back to football. Reagan plays too far to the right for even a right fielder and Ford copies him, thus the famous Republican Shift. Kissinger's hummer is no longer what it once was, and his refusal to let anyone else play the infield positions has hurt in the past.

Overall, two weak teams; exactly what we say every spring of the Presidential season. But maybe we've got it all wrong. How does 'Fred Lynn for President' sound?