Savoir-Faire

OK, now admit it. You're an ardent, dyed-in-the-wool, never-say-die Red Sox rooter, but right at this moment, you're quite happy to see the World Series finally end.

It's not that Thanksgiving is just around the corner, or that you're sick and tired of Garagiola one-liners, or that you're done nothing for the past two weeks but memorize the birthplaces of Juan Beniquez and Bob Montgomery and the rest of the crew who forged the Possible Dream.

No, nothing so radical as that. It's simply that for the past few weeks, there's been a terrible odor in the air, a stench so putrifying that if you dare to inhale, you may not live to regret it.

The origin of this smell, needless to say, is those four little words which will someday be engraved in The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, the infamous expression KEEP YOUR SOX ON.

When this expression first hit the streets as the watchword for the '75 Red Sox, the intent was that it should not be taken seriously. Unfortunately, however, this is exactly what too many people have been doing, with the result being an unprecedented decrease in the demand for laundry bags, and a corresponding increase in the sale of nose plugs.

So many people, in fact, have refused to take their socks off since Boston clinched the pennant that Maytag is currently considering a reduction in the production of its washing machines.

September 27 was the big day, the day the Sox clinched first place in their division, and the day that the top drawer in many a bureau was cemented shut. And that was some three and a half weeks ago. Come on, people, give us a break. Our nasal passages are in serious danger of extinction.

You don't have to be embarrassed just because you've been sitting in the corner of all your classes recently, trying to avoid the deadly smell, and everyone thinks that there is something wrong with you.

I know the absurdity of watching people walk into a shower with their socks on, and for some reason being unable to question them about their appearance. Or the ludicrousness of wearing red socks with a blue suit.

There are, however, some sane people, who, while Red Sox fanatics, do occasionally remove their socks, if only for a brief moment. Why just the other day I saw a pair of socks lying on the bathroom floor, but when I went to pick it up, it beat me to the punch and just walked away.

What is the cause of this madness? Are people really this superstitious, or don't they know any better? The truth, of course, probably lies somewhere in between.

Other explanations, though, have been advanced. One Red Sox booster, who likes to implore his favorites to "sock it to 'em," said that his laundry bag was too full, and thus, he couldn't find any room for his socks. It might be added that more than just this person's socks qualified for the Sanitation Department Hall of Fame.

It really is a good thing, then, that the World Series is finally over, because nobody who has a nose can be a winner in an atmosphere so polluted by Sox fever. It's as if the government demanded that every person living within a 60-mile radius of Boston spend an hour each day in a room with a skunk.

Well, that's the good news, and now for the bad. Spring training is just a little over three months away, which should be barely enough time to fumigate the joint. And in addition to this, rumor has it that the Celtics are considering the adoption of a similar slogan. Would you belive KEEP YOUR DRAWERS ON? Whatever you do, though, please do us all one favor. Take your goddamn socks off. Can't you see that we're suffocating?