Taurus and Tealeaves The Crimson Predicts: 1971

NIXON divorces Pat, starts to date Jill St. John. Kissinger returns to Harvard in a huff. "I want to be alone," he tells a University Gazette reporter before sequestering himself in his Littauer laboratories. Dean May says the Harvard Administration welcomes Kissinger back, and immediately appoints him to five committees, including the newly created and already popular Faculty-Student Ad Hoc Committee on Vietnamization and Curriculum Reform. May announces election procedures for the new committee are being hammered out by the Faculty Council Temporary Subcommittee on Election Procedures for All Committees Beginning With A-M. Shown at right is DEAN MAY (with pointer) explaining new Faculty organization chart with KISSINGER (left, demonstrating letters A through M).

Oscar Handlin resigns tenure to devote full time to his column. Other literary notes: Archie Epps returns to Commentary. Best of the Harvard University Gazette published by Harper and Row, edited with Introduction by Arthur Schlesinger Jr. Called by Book World, "A Congressional Record for our time."

February

VIVA SUPERSTAR to play Cliffie in new Godard film with screenplay by Hilary Putnam. Plot concerns preppy jock from Winthrop House who falls in love with poor Cliffie on music scholarship who later dies in shootout with the pigs. With Mick Jagger and Joseph Rhodes Jr. Dean May announces Bernard Bailyn and Roger Rosenblatt to head Committee on Filmmaking and Curriculum Reform. Bailyn announces interim subcommittee for procedures to hammer out students. At extreme left is still from movie, showing SUPERSTAR (smiling) and F. SKIDDY von STADE JR. dedicating Mather House (center) as a day care facility.

Mrs. Patricia Nixon Niarchos announces her forthcoming book, Sex Crises. Other literary notes: In his new book, The City Really Stinks, Edward Banfield asserts: "What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god." In Cambridge, Dean May rejects Banfield's thesis that the Faculty is infinite. "Our Faculty is badly overworked," claims May tartly as he releases to the press the names of five new interim committees.

The University Gazette announces that President and Mrs. Pusey will be At Home March 1, and will welcome Faculty members and their wives for tea.

March

MRS. PUSEY welcomes Faculty members and Black Panthers to fundraising tea. Tea a great success, raising $15,000 for the new science center.

Pusey announces additional retirement plans. Will take continuing role in Sesame Street, playing a lovable old neighborhood college president.

The New York Times criticizes President Nixon editorially for his "disappointing response to complex phenomena," adding that "this whole society controlled by the rutting clique is parasitic, vulturistic, and cannibalistic, and is sucking and destroying the life of the workers," The Times concludes "Nevertheless, more needs to be done."

In a pique after three White House screenings of Love Story, Nixon orders "protective reaction nuclear elimination" of Latin America and Communist China. "Genocide means never having to say you're sorry," he explains. In response, SDS calls for a demonstration demanding: 1.) pro-rata exclusionary rebates for all scab lettuce; 2.) no reprisals against workers with overdue library books; 3.) restoration of the Sinai Peninsula to the Palestinians. "We will not leave these steps until Racist Boss Wiggins [known to his close personal friends as "Administrative Vice President L. Gard Wiggins"-Ed.] accedes to all our demands," SDS says.

Federal agents arrest 150,000 student radic-libs and place them in detention centers. Boston Globe runs series on "The New Quiet Mood on College Campuses."

April

DEAN MAY announces creation of new Committee on Roger Rosenblatt and Curriculum Reform. "Curriculum Reform is a dead issue but Roger isn't yet," May is reported to have said around the pool at the Belmont Community Center. Shown above is Professor JAMES Q. WILSON, demonstrating the swan dive he has perfected while on sabbatical, as Dean MAY and his predecessor FRED GLIMP, now a member of the Belmont School Board, discuss ways of revitalizing Harvard College.

J. Edgar Hoover tenders his resignation to President Nixon, commenting with disgust, "the President has exterminated one third of the human race, without consulting me."

May

CHASE N. PETERSON '52, dean of Admissions, announces that the incoming class of 1975, "while not the brightest in Harvard history, demonstrate a terrific versatility of talents-from middle linebacker to shortstop." He thanks the Ohio State Republican Club for helping to find "1200 healthy males not currently enrolled in detention centers."

University Registrar Robert Shenton announces that all students who have taken leaves of absence without permission to enter detention centers will be permitted to re-enroll upon their release "to the extent they can be accommodated by this Faculty without disrupting Faculty members' research." Shenton says such students will be permitted to take make-up exams "provided they have not signed up for a fifth course-excluding tutorial-on or before the third week following the full moon after the first of the year, whichever comes last, subject to the approval of the Faculty Council." Outraged at such lenience, David Landes, professor of History, announces that his course next Fall will contain an hour exam every day "in case events overtake us halfway through the term again, because these guys are getting away with murder just because there's a war on."

Professor Landes is arrested for publicly claiming that there's a war on.

In May Day rites at the White House, DAVID EISENHOWER (right) pushes the button which blows up ALBANIA (left). "It's lots more fun than throwing out the first ball to the Senators," he chirps.

June

FOURTEEN students receive bachelor's degrees in Harvard's three-hundred-thirty-fifth Commencement Exercises. Honorary degree goes to Marshal Nguyen Cao Ky "for his dedicated statesmanship, open-hearted humanitarianism, and distinguished service in the Armed Forces of the United States." Stephen J. Kelman '70, Swedish meatball for the Boston Globe, is invited back for the second consecutive year to deliver the Pig Latin Oration on "The Ythmay of Expressionary," In his swearing-in ceremony, Harvard's new president comments,

In a simple open-air ceremony amidst the scenic ruins of Kent State University, Mrs. Bella Abzug and Richard Nixon are joined in holy matrimony, Mrs. Abzug is the former congressman and women's rights advocate recently released from the Radic-Lib Female Detention Center on the third floor of the White House. Mr. Nixon is Emperor of the United States.

July

THE OVERSEERS Committee on Governance comes out with a sequel to its best-selling broadside, Harvard and Money. Called Son of Harvard and Money, it is soon to be a major Paramount motion picture starring Anthony Quinn as John Dunlop and Ali McGraw as Mary I. Bunting, the woman whose college Quinn saves by paying off the mortgage seconds before the creditors start moving the furniture out of Currier House. George Bennett sings the Henry Mancini theme song, "Every Tub on its Own Bottom." Below is a shot from the climactic final scene in which ground is broken for a cement-and-concrete nuclear reactor and photocopying center on the former site of Harvard Yard and Memorial Hall. BENNETT announces, "With construction costs rising 73 per cent a month, we just can't afford to wait until we have the money and space," as AL VELLUCCI looks on, smiling.

Nixon orders "protective reaction sterilization" of the staff of the New York Review of Books.

August

YOU WOULDNT believe what happens in August.

A series of oil tanker leaks covers the Atlantic with shiny black slime. The sun is reflected off this surface, causing a tremendous heat wave in which the average temperature in Cambridge is 140 degrees. The Ad Hoc Committee on The Weather finds the heat to be a "social" and not an "academic" issue, and Harvard refuses to get involved until the Holyoke Center air conditioning fails. Meeting in emergency session, the Faculty votes to allow people to eat in the Faculty Club without coats and ties. After the meeting, George Wald calls reporters into his test tube to applaud the decision. "It's not the heat," he explains. "It's the humility." The crisis ends after two weeks when air pollution finally blocks out the sun completely. Both the liberal and conservative Faculty caucuses take credit for this last-minute arrangement.

September

THE DAYS grow short.

October

THE REBIRTH of student activism at Harvard. Twenty-six students sign a petition protesting overcrowded conditions in the Houses. Dean May says the overcrowding is due to the barracking of 200 army soldiers in Kirkland House and "the unfortunate collapse" of the Mather House tower, which toppled into the Charles over the summer. SDS president Laszlo Pasztor '73 admits that the number of names on the petition is disappointingly low, but comments, "Remember, that's half the student body." At right, MASTER von STADE goes down with his House, as the Committee on Houses and Undergraduate Life (above, with champagne) looks on.

New Yorker Magazine publishes three segments from Nathan Pusey's forthcoming memoirs, entitled You Don't Need McCarthy to Fight Communism. John Kenneth Galbraith hails it as "perhaps not without some merit, but then again, perhaps so."

November

THE NOVEMBER Action Committee celebrates its second anniversary with a gala charity ball at the Ritz-Carlton to benefit the wives and families of prisoners-of-war in North Dakota. The theme of the fete is "Tell It to Bismarck." To charges that NAC has copped out, leader Michael Ansara answers helplessly, "This is the only way we could keep our tax deduction and our Ford Foundation grant. Below, ANSARA receives check for $50,000 from McGEORGE BUNDY (smiling), president of the Ford Foundation (assers: $21/2 billion), as NATHAN PUSEY (pouting), president of the Mellon Foundation (assets: $600 million), looks on.

An 80-point headline in the newly revised University Gazette-Enquirer concerning: "What Ernie May Told Barbara Solomon About Doris Kearns and Alan Heimert!" The article concerns May's announcement that Kearns and Heimert have been reappointed to the Temporary Ad Hoc Committee on Capital Punishment, Faculty Reorganization, Coed Living and Curriculum Reform.

Nixon proclaims December 23 as "Christmas."

December

NIXON orders all U. S. troops out of Vietnam, leaving the population of that country at 120 "gooks, none of them Communist thanks to American perseverance and technological know-how." Nixon announces that the resources saved by the unexpected withdrawal will be used to rebuild America's cities "somewhere in Alaska, where they won't get in the way of suburban life."

A Yale biologist announces he has synthesized a substance that, if placed in the world's water supply, will create peace on earth forever, as well as quadruple the productivity of all soil, clear the nasal passages and the Suez Canai, and act as a non-polluting automobile fuel.

A month-long stock market rally sends the Dow-Jones industrials back past 350 toward 500 by New Year's Day and the U. S. Department of Commerce Citizens' Happiness Index rises at a seasonally adjusted annual rate of 8.3 per cent, only half of which is attributed to drugs.

All of which causes the University Gazette to rhapsodize in its newly purchased subsidiary, the New York Times, that, "despite 23 per cent unemployment and 45 per cent inflation, even though the U. S. birth rate has dropped to zero, though there are still divisive elements in our country which have not been eliminated, the American people have once again risen to the challenges of happiness in this joyous season."