Conversations Dead Dogs

WASHINGTON (AP)-Last month the following letter "to concerned citizens" about the plight of Army dogs reached the Denver Post:

"Under present Army policy not one of our hard-working and much decorated canine friends will return to the U.S.A. alive," wrote a dog handler from Vietnam. "Instead we will reward them for a job well done by sentencing them to mass euthanasia."

The Pentagon claims that difficulties in converting the dogs into pets plus a rare contagious disease which might spread to the United States prevents the animals from returning to this country.

The author of the letter, PFC David D. Jankow, said that the military is doing "little, if anything" to find a cure for the disease cited as an obstacle to the dogs' return.

One Pentagon document warns that "A military dog cannot be completely detrained... to place such an animal in a civilized community could be most hazardous and could ultimately lead to serious human injury or death."

Jankow also asserts that "present Army policy states that even when a dog has contracted this disease it is perfectly all right to work him until he drops dead or becomes too ill to function (in which case he will be destroyed)."

In reply, the Pentagon asserted that "military dogs receive as good if not better treatment than GI's serving in Vietnam."

"DOGS, HELL!" roared General A. "I'm not worried about the damn dogs who don't get home. It's the soldiers who do that bother me."

"Just what do you mean?" asked the reporter.

"Just look at Life last month." said the General. "They interviewed a revolutionary bomber in New York who said the soldiers we've trained are turning out to be their best men. It seems our soldiers know everything there is to know about demolition and other terrorist tactics when they come home."

"Your ads say the Army trains you for a career," said the reporter. "They've got to do something when they get home."

"Well, something's happening to our men out in the jungle there. None of our best men are reenlisting. And the White House is putting pressure on us to switch our best men in the Agency from Vietnam to work on sniffing out the bombers here-and we don't have enough to go around!"

"You seem to be in a bind ..."

"And we're getting five thousand letters a day yelling for our heads because some nitwit in public relations says we're giving the dogs better treatment than the GI's!"

"Well, the GI's should definitely get equal treatment with the dogs."

"And since it seems pretty evident the military men can't be completely detrained ..."

"You aren't suggesting they should get the exact same treatment."

"Yeah! But maybe not shot ... there's another way. There must be hundreds of rare diseases they could contract in the tropics. And who in their right mind would want to return to this country ...?"

"We could reward them for a job well done ..."

"Our hard-working and much decorated Youth in Asia ..."

"Will receive an official U.S. Army equal treatment treat ..."

"Complete with medals for the folks back home ..."

"And a hero's burial ..."

"Euthanasia for our Youth in Asia!"