Pervert-a-Proverb

As the end of examination period, Harvard Men are eager still for intellectual challenge. But their frazzled pates respond only in dulled cliches. Confronted with his grade sheet a student is apt to murmur ominously, "beware of Greeks bearing gift horses in the mouth." Or, preparing to leave Cambridge at last, he may sigh: "home is where you hang your hat it." For these bemused undergraduates we offer a little game to be played on the long car ride home: Pervert-a-Proverb. The sayings to be spoonerized may be drawn from Aesop or advertizing. No matter. Here are a few easy warmer- uppers. (Answers are on page 4.)

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1. The entire reservation was deeply grieved at the untimely demise of the famous and beloved Chief Short-kake. His son, now elevated to the rank of chief though only a young brave, was responsible for arranging the ceremonial interment of his noble father. He entered his mother's wigwam to console her. The tepee was racked with her sobs. Putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, the young Indian assured her, "Don't worry mom, I'll bury dad." "No!" replied the old woman staunchly through her tears:

2. A girl suggested to her swain that they spend the evening at a local amusement park. "Oh come off it." He replied. "You know that whenever you go on those wild rides you wet your pants and embarrass me." "Honestly," she pleaded. "I won't this time. I'll take care." At length the swain consented and the pair enjoyed a pleasant time on a number of the tamer riders. Then the girl urged that they try the terrifying loop-de-loop, the fastest swirling ride in the park. With some trepidation, her date agreed. After several breathtaking circular ascents their car was stopped at the uppermost point. Sure enough, an embarrassing dribble of water fell from their compartment to the ground. The swain was aghast. The moral of this story is:

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3. The moths decided to hold a popularity contest to determine who was the greatest hippie among them. Adlai and Averill, two particularly swinging Lepidoptera, were the leading contenders. Booth waited anxiously outside the polling booth for the results to be announced. When at last the decision was posted, Adlai's face fell. It proclaimed:

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4. Once there was a man who had everything. His wife, therefore, was at a loss about what to get him for his birthday. So she consulted the attendant at a local gift emporium. "Why don't you give him a nice smipe?" the helpful fellow suggested. "We have a very fancy one made of embossed leather and brass." "The very thing!" cried the wife in delight, realizing that a smipe was the one thing her husband didn't have. Needless to say, the man was ecstatic over his present, and for a week he did nothing but play with it. He'd go out merrily into the woods, catch little animals, put them in his smipe, and push them hither and thither with the silver plated rod that was provided for that purpose. As months passed, however, his wife became more and more distressed, for he did nothing all day but play with his smipe. He neglected his children, never went to work, and dressed in a slovenly manner. Finally, driven to desperation by his inattention, the wife bought a boa constrictor and put it in his bed one night. "There!" she cried in fiendish glee as the snake wrapped its coils tightly about his chest, and the life fled from his body:

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5. When officer Murphy was killed in the line of duty, officer Clancy was assigned to take over his beat, the most dangerous and prestigious in the precinct. Clancy was very proud and happy until the sargeant informed him that he would have to marry the late Mr. Murphy's wife. "That's outrageous," he cried looking over the homely woman. "I want his job but not his wife!" "Look, fella," muttered the sargeant philosophically:

6. Constance Worthington, a lady recently admitted to haut bourgeois circles, decided in the interest of cultivated living, to purchase a fine piano. She then asked a knowledgeable friend to recommend a tuner.

"My dear," said her friend, "there is no finer piano tuner in the world then Mr. Opernoketty. His telephone number is EL 4-5150." Mrs. Worthington called him directly and, despite his astronomic fee, arranged an appointment.

At the designated hour a short, mysterious looking foreigner carrying a black attache case arrived at her home, locked the doors to the music room, pulled the blinds shut, and remained for several hours, and left as suddenly as he had come. When Mrs. Worthington sat down at her instrument she could scarcely believe her ear. The music was heavenly beyond imagination; a simple major triad sounded like a choir of angles. Within a short time Mrs. Worthington had become the toast of the musical monde. She gave weekly recitals.

Alas, after some five years of this glory, her piano grew flat. She knew that only one man could be entrusted with the task of retuning. She called up Mr. Opernoketty's office to arrange an appointment. "But that is impossible!" exclaimed his astonished secretary:

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7. All his life farmer Jones and raised strawberries and so, when one spring morning he glanced out his window and spied a strawberry big as an echo satellite growing in his patch, he was ecstactic beyond description. He knew he'd be able to sell the fruit and retire on the profits. Immediately he telephoned the local strawberry appraiser to rush out, measure it, and tell him how much it would bring on the open market. Within an hour the appraiser arrived in his pick-up truck, but instead of taking out his measuring instruments he uprooted the strawberry, tossed it into his truck and drove off. "Help!" cried farmer Jones. "What is the meaning of this?" The thief replied as he disappeared into the distance.

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8. When old Lord Tottingham visited his physician with various aches in his limbs, the wise doctor recognized the trouble instantly as Miller's syndrome, a psychosomatic ailment, and prescribed a placebo to keep the old boy happy. "You mean there's nothing really wrong with him?" asked a nurse when the patient had left. "Of course not," replied the doctor:

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For the Pros

9. Morris was invited to a costume party and decided to go as a lion. Unable to afford a ready made costume he fashioned his own out of old yellow bedspreads. For the mane, Morris ingeniously dyed a watercress and some lamb's wool gold and wired them together. His costume was perfect except that when he moved embarrassing squeaking noises issued from his mane. Morris telephoned his friend George for advice.

"Your problem is quite simple," George advised. "The sounds result from friction between the fleece, the wire, and the watercress. Just rub vaseline over the lambswool, compress the watercress as tight as you can." Morris made these adjustments and sure enough, the mane was utterly silent.

It's amazing!" he confined to George at the party later that evening. "Of course," George replied:

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10. Nat's a newly opened restaurant, advertized the excellence of its omelets. "Are the eggs really fresh?" a prospective customer asked the waitress.

"My yes," she replied. "We have our own hens right out in back. Hundreds of them."

"Well," mused the customer, still skeptical, "Do you keep them in those awful prefabricated aluminum coops, or in the good old fashioned well-constructed wooden kind, that keeps the hens warm and contended?"

Oh in the wooden kind only." the waitress assured him. "In fact:

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11. Some centuries ago a Scandinavian explorer, Thun by name, de- voted himself of anthropological studies of North American Indian tribes. To facilitate accurate documentation, he would live as a member of each tribe for a period of months. After one such sojourn, Thun was deathly, violently ill to his stomach and went on to the next in horrendous fits vomiting and diarreah.

As ill-luck would have it, he arrived at the Tiwanda village just the completion of their annual "festival of the bear." All year long Tiwanda braves would hunt bear and finally, on this particular day, the largest bear of the season would be killed, prepared and eaten by every members of the community. Each brave, squaw and papoose had his share of bear meat, of bear brain, of bear eye, of bear bone, and, for dessert, of bear's fur, cooked in a special glasse.

Poor Thun knew that his hosts would be mightily offended if he failed to partake of their bandquet and so he steeled his quaking stomach for the ordeal ahead. He managed to make it unsteadily through the-first four courses, but felt, as dessert was carried on, that if he consumed a single morsel more he would surely lose his entire dinner. He was in a quandry. But meanwhile the chief, a kindly old fellow, had observed Thun's distress and, knowing this particular bear 's fur glasse to be an unusually strong preparation, he leaned over and chanted in Thun's ear:

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12 The testing of nuclear devices in the Greater Boston atmosphere had caused an alarming radioactive mist to settle over the environs. Their exams just completed, Harvard students were quick to protest. Their rallying cry