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The Flip Side

Cabbages and Kings

By Joel E. Cohen

In response to the recent outbreak of obscene phone calls to Radcliffe girls, the Radcliffe administration has ordered suspicious calls to the dormitories to be referred to a special number and monitored. Here is the transcript of one such conversation.

BELLS GIRL: Hello, Comstock Hall. May I help you?

CAMBRIDGE YOUTH: Sally dere?

BELLS: Sally who?

CAMBRIDGE YOUTH: Gee, I metter ata mixuh, she got brown hayuh.

BELLS: Just a moment, please. (Buzzes.)

JOAN: Hello?

CAM. YOU.: Sally dere?

JOAN: Sally? Oh, why yes, this is Sally. Who is this?

CAM. YOU.: James Bond, kid. I'm the picha-takin man for the real sliks, Playboy's Life, and I wanna take a pikchov YOU.

JOAN: Really?

CAM. YOU.: Yeah, I seen yarounda campus lookingood, an I wanna getcha pickcha ina bathin soot.

JOAN: Well thank you very much,

Mr. Bond but I'm really not sure that I should you know, because--

CAM. YOU.: Anif ya look real good in a bathin soot, we can sorta (heh heh) make it lika convertible an tryit widda top down, 'fya get what I mean (heh heh).

JOAN: Oh, well in that case...

CAM. YOU.: F'my magazine you can be a regylah innovatah, we got some not new bottomless barhin soots moreover also.

JOAN: Oh, good.

CAM. YOU.: What? --I mean, 'fyer really innerested, da potentialzunlimitimid, I mean, baby when can we gedagether, I mean I never heard nothin like it befowah.

JOAN: Do you know kerezza?

CAM. YOU.: Shuwah, she been workwitme ona magazine fowa longtime, grea'girl, Karezza.

JOAN: No, I mean, karezza, coitus reservatus.

CAM. YOU.: Whazzat? --Hold on a minute other phone's ringin. (Muffled) Heyyouguys, wheah's Cautious Rivers? ...(Boldly) Wudja spellit, please?

JOAN: C-o-i-t-u-s r-e-s-e-r-v-a-t-u-s.

CAM. YOU.: (Muffled) She says...(Long pause. Then muffled:) Omigod, no kiddin. (Boldly) Shuwah, an lemme tellya--

JOAN: How about cunnilinctus?

CAM. YOU.: Hold on a minute. (Pause, muffled voices. Then:) Well, yeah I know what it is, but I'ma pikcha-takin man, see, anduh--

JOAN: What about coitus interruptus or frottage?

CAM YOU.: Hey, listen whatas mattahwidcha, ya funny or somepin?

JOAN: Contrectation, detumescence, inflammation, or senescence?

CAM. YOU.: So all right ifya don't wanna take a lousy piksha, I'll get somebody--

JOAN: Pedicatio on the patio or rhabdomes in the retina?

CAM. YOU.: Hey, cuditout!

JOAN: Hyphedonia with a begonia, and recursive enumerability?

CAM. YOU.: Cuditout, I said!

JOAN: Rings and homology over topology, endocrinology up your morphology?

CAM YOU.: I'M ONLY SIXTEEN AN I COULD GET IN A LOTTA TROUBLE FOR STUFF LIKE DAT, YOU BETTAH WATCHIT--PERVERTI (Click.)

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