A Fable for the Senior Class

A venerable professor once received into his presence a young man who expressed a desire to acquire a college education.

"Very well," said the professor, "but before I may admit you to this privilege, I must determine by examination your need for such an education." And the young man responded as follows to certain questions proposed unto him

What is man? "Man is magnificent creature, endowed with reason, with which he may harness his emotions to the doing of wonderful things." The venerable professor clucked his tongue in pity of such innocence.

What is the earth? "The earth is a beautiful globe, blessed with natural resources and lovely landscapes, warmed by the sun and kissed by the moon." The old gentleman shuddered a little at such blatant subjectivity.

Where are we going? "On to the stainless steel cities of the future!" cried the young man, oblivious to the professor's expression of horrified pity.

"You poor boy," exclaimed the professor, "you certainly do need an education, and you have come just in time--pray God it is not indeed too late!"

Almost four years had passed before the young man, having been processed by lesser officers of the college, again presented himself before the venerable professor.

"Sir," said he, "I have undergone my education, and I therefore petition respecfully that I be awarded my degree."

"Very well," said the professor, "but before I may admit you to this privilege, I must determine by examination your readiness for such an honor." And the young man responded as follows to certain questions proposed unto him:

What is man?" "Most essentially, he is a bundle of nervous tissue." The venerable professor nodded with pride.

What is the earth? "The earth is a blob of matter hurtling through infinite space." The old gentleman was visibly pleased by the conciseness of the answer.

Where are we going? "In any of a thousand possible directions." The young man gave his last answer with an intentional shrug; the professor involuntarily shrugged his shoulders likewise, and then fell to nodding his head.

"Very good. Very, very good. You have done well. Here is your degree." The venerable professor offered the young man his blessing: "Now go forth into the world and search forever for your lost youth."

(Reprinted form the summer issue of the AAUP Bulletin. Mr. McArthur is Assistant Professor of English at the University of Vermont.)