Scott Conquers Cuba; Castro to Join Batista

HAVANA, Jan. 20--Gavin R. W. Scott '58-4, of Trois Rivieres, Que., and Adams House, not to be confused with Robert A. T. Scott '58-3, marched triumphantly into this city today after defeating the forces of Fidel Castro '47 throughout the whole of Cuba. "Man, it's not like I had anything against this Fidel cat, but man, this Cuba is an ugly country and I want to clean it up, sweep the streets, encompass the universe, ravish the earth." Scott broke the back of the Castro resistance at famous San Juan Hill.

'Me and T. R...'

"You see man," Scott proclaimed, "it's like I've got this sense of history, of my destiny. Me and T.R., we're like that."

In accordance with Scott's sense of history, his finger-snapping followers, alternately called "The Easy Riders" and "The Delta Rhythm Boys," were recruited from among his fellow Harvard undergraduates.

"Man, I dragged 'em out of their existential lethargy wherever I found 'em--in the Bick, the HDC, the Lamont johns, anywhere. I gave 'em a meaning to their lives, I got 'em ultimately concerned."

Scott denied that he planned to continue Castro's executions of "gringoes." "Man," Scott declaimed, "Gringoes got as much right to live as anybody. It's Americans I don't like. I hate those complacent, chubby Romeos."

'The Canadian's Burden'

Castro has fled to the Dominican Republic to plot Scott's overthrow with Batista. "Overthrow, overpass--I'll give 'em free transportation to my island paradise if they feel they got the divisions. Man, I don't want this damn place, I just want to beautify it. I feel that this is the Canadian's burden," he observed.

In response to an offer by Gregory B. Stone '58 to sell his beard for $25,000, Scott shouted, with a discharge of saliva, "Man. when I see the money, he gets the locks."