Tea Leaves and Taurus

The unerring accuracy of the CRIMSON's predictions for the New Year has long been an object of awe and admiration. Year after year after year, our predictions have proven to be. And once again, with typical humility and that traditional on ne sait quoi, the CRIMSON invokes its trusty Almanac and crystal bottle, and predicts the major events of 1958.

January. Sir Edmund Hillary will deny ASPCA charges that he used penguins to pull his sled when he reached the South Pole. Sir Edmund will say, "The birds are not only bow-legged, but paunchy. The charge is ridiculous." Back in Cambridge, Dean Watson will be fired for having purchased 3,000 IBM machines without authorization. The ex-Dean will declare, "Machines are lots of fun. Lots." Dean Bundy will reply, "Mr. Watson knew quite well that there is no need for 3,000 IBM machines. I suffice."

February. Ex-Dean Watson will reply to Dean Bundy, "Mr. Bundy may know everything, but he doesn't have any buttons. Buttons are lots of fun. Lots." The Harvard Young Republican Club will charge that John F. Kennedy's senior honors thesis (1940) was ghost-written. President Pusey will deny reports that he is organizing a gold-finding expedition to South America in an attempt to bolster the Program for Harvard College. Professor Arthur Schlesinger Jr. will deny reports that he is going to the North Pole on a gold-finding expedition in an attempt to cover certain legal expenses. Mr. Schlesinger will say to reporters, "Go away. Please go away. I'm hiding."

March. Seventy-three per cent of the next freshman class (Class of '62) will be graduates of private preparatory schools. The Committee on Admissions will deny any bias. They will announce, "We have nothing against wonks, other things being equal." An enraged Joseph Kennedy (John's father) will confirm reports that he is going to "buy Harvard College for my boys." Rev. Buttrick will urge President Pusey to go gold hunting in South America to strengthen Harvard's financial position. Rev. Buttrick will offer to accompany the President and allow him to use his new gold-divining rod. Ex-Dean Watson will offer to find gold with his IBM machines. "Damn, but those machines are awfully smart. Awfully" he will say.

April. On the national scene, Sherman Adams will deny that President Eisenhower is sick. President Eisenhower will appear on a nation-wide television network to announce a new program--"This nation under God and with the aid of Sherman Adams, will see a new birth of freedom. And so, friends, every day from 9 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. will be set aside for this nation to Pray Our Way to Power!" Pusey strikes gold. Speaking through an administrative assistant, John K. Kennedy will deny that his thesis was ghost-written. The Editors of Fortnightly challenge the executive board of the HYDC to a duel.

May. Harry Truman will declare, "Eisenhower is sick, sick, sick." The HYDC says "Those guys are crazy." Eisenhower has not been seen for three weeks. The Harvard Liberal Union will write a folk song commemorating the death of five executives of the Harvard Young Democratic Club. The Joint Chiefs of Staff will deny any inter-service difficulties as the Navy continues to send waves of Marines into the Pentagon via helicopters. Perry Miller gives Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. his harpoon and kayak as a going away present.

June. The Pusey-Buttrick forces seem to have driven out the Kennedy forces. The undergraduate directors of the Harvard Student Agencies (Inc.) will sail for Europe in an attempt "to find business opportunities for needy undergraduates." With the abolition of the Student Council, the group's old officers deliver a mimeographed letter to the undergraduate body, saying in part, "Because of certain evil and antisocial people, we, the officers who have served you so well for so long, will not get into the Law Schools of our choice." Eisenhower is still missing.

July. The Student Employment Agency will deny that it is a marriage bureau during the summer months. James Reston, in a copyrighted story, will declare that Eisenhower went comatose months ago, and that the country has been run by Sherman Adams and "some guy called Watson and his 3,000 IBM machines." Abroad, Alfred Krupp will deny that he now owns the controlling stock in the French Republic. Nikita Khrushchev will bring a formal complaint to the United Nations General Assembly. The Soviet Ruler will complain that the United States has been distributing subversive literature along Russia's northern coast with the aid "of a sneaky saboteur who travels in a kayak."

August. In another copyrighted article, James Reston will announce that John F. Kennedy is a social climber. An enraged Joseph Kennedy, John's father, will begin financial manipulations to buy society, on a nation-wide level. In Boston itself, residents of the Beacon Hill area will refuse to support the City's ailing urban renewal program. A spokesman will say, "We don't even know those people." The Cambridge police will break into the Lampoon building after receiving a cryptic message about a hostage. They will discover someone called April Olrich. A Lampoon spokesman will say, "It's the funniest thing we've done in years. Lots of fun. Lots."

September. Harvard's psychiatric staff is called in by coach Yovicsin to bolster the morale of the new members of the football team. Dr. Farnsworth will make a public statement, "The basic problem with these young men seems to be that they feel inferior. They are not inferior, of course, simply dislocated." The Admissions Board will make an immediate counter statement, "There is a definite place in Harvard College for these young men. Of course, we prefer to keep them out of Eliot House."

October. On the academic scene, Professor Leonard K. Nash will survive a green explosion which destroys Burr Hall. Says Mr. Nash, "It was pretty spectacular." President Eisenhower regains consciousness and announces that this nation, "with the help of God, Sherman Adams, and a firm belief in motherhood will muddle through the crisis." The Air Force denies that it has bombed the Navy-controlled Pentagon. Dean Bundy denies that he is upset by Harvard's winless football team.

November. Dean Bundy is declared an ineligible player, after quarter backing three-quarters of the Harvard-Princeton game. The entire game was discarded by officials when they discovered that Nathan Pusey (weighing 167) was at left half. Bundy refuses an offer from the Detroit Lions. The surprise of the season comes when Harvard upsets Yale 27-6 with the help of an all-new squad with an average weight of 247, Professor Nash denies that he grew them.

December. In a Christmas address from the White House, President Eisenhower will say that he has recovered from his recent illness and that in the forthcoming year, this nation, with the help of God, Motherhood, Sherman Adams and the caddy at the Burning Tree Golf Club, will attain greater heights than ever. He will deny that he is leading an all-out Army offensive against the Air Force controlled Pentagon.