Divine Grace

S.S. Constitution at sea, April 10--This is my first exclusive report from aboard the S.S. Constitution where life is just one big, mad, gay whirl. The excitement increases as the wedding of Grace Kelly of Philadelphia and Prince Rainier (pronounced Rey-ney) of Monaco approaches. One of the years most exciting and exclusive press conferences marked the sailing of this liner. With regal poise, Miss Kelly discussed her future with a few hundred reporters. She flashed that charming smile and said, "I do wish people would be more considerate and stop stomping on each other." Grace is such a thoughtful little dear.

But her highness-to-be is more than thoughtful and beautiful, she is humble. When asked how she felt about her marriage, Miss Kelly replied "like any girl." Such humility. Like any girl, Grace wants to have a family. This has led to a pool among reporters, the winner guessing the right number of little princes and princesses. The princes, by the way, will be Monegasque (pronounced Mo-nay-gas-kuh) while the daughters will have dual citizenship. But Grace remains faithful to "my beloved country." When she spoke to reporters about her patriotism, she was obviously moved. But when she repeated her statement for the cameras there were tears in her yes. Now that is patriotism.

But now, my exclusive inside information. I have heard directly from the bunkmate of Miss Kelly's cabin boy that her shower curtain is pale pink. One might go so far as to say flesh color. How risque! But for an even more sensational little tidbit, just you listen to this. I personally spoke to Miss Kelly's father, a man who rose from bricklayer to head of a construction company that is worth millions, just millions. Now I asked him point blank whether he thought that Rainier was just a mite bit greasy. Mr. Kelly just scratched his head for a moment, his arms, by the way, are powerful from years of rowing and bricklaying, and said, "He is not greasy. He is simply smooth."

Now I have it from a cabin boy whose brother polishes brass on Rainier's yacht that the prince is a truly regular man. Why just last week he was followed by reporters when they saw a blonde in his serene highness' car. "Leave me alone. I want to be left in peace," he cried. Now isn't that just so regular and manly?

Just yesterday I saw Grace herself at the lifeboat drill. There were 250 of us in her boat which has a capacity of 150. Isn't that just cuddlesome?

Well that's all for now because I must speak to the cabin boy who has a cousin who sings in the choir of the Monaco Cathedral. Oh the entire affair is just too thrilling. Even the cabin boy's.

Tomorrow I will have an exclusive interview with, you'll never guess whom, the famous Oliver, Miss Kelly's poodle. He is just adorable.

Au revoir (pronounced o-rev-wahr).