Pick A Star, Any Star...

These days when the world has been keeping itself out of trouble with church socials and office parties, newspaper editors reverse their journalistic telescopes and take a far, generally dim, view of the approaching year. At the risk of appearing starry-eyed, the editors of the CRIMSON have tackled the zodiac and come up with the following predictions of things to come. It was the CRIMSON, you will remember, which alone predicted that '54's Miss Universe winner would come from the Western Hemisphere. With a little luck, perhaps we can do it again:

Capricornus. Premier Mendes-France will demand a recount, but with the block of editorial researchers holding solid, Dulles will retain Times' title, Man of the Year. The Department of Defense will release details of a new manpower plan which abolishes Armed Forces and conscripts all young men to 27 months with General Motors. General Ridgway and the Joint Chiefs of Staff will resign in protest. Henry Ford II, will not be happy about it either.

Aquarius. The Chinese will shoot down another U.S. plane and Senator Knowland will declare war, secede from the Union, and issue currency. Secretary Dulles will coin a phrase, "passive retaliation," and President Eisenhower will express displeasure but will hope, over four networks, that it was just a mistake. Meanwhile, closer to home, Kirkland House will lose all 16 of its maids in a steam tunnel.

Pisces. No theatre yet, but President Pusey will announce a special bequest for an undergraduate herbarium on De Wolfe Street near Dunster House "in line with our policy of emphasizing the College." In the entertainment world, a soft-drink company will attempt to inveigle Imogene Coca and Sid Caesar to reunite for a 4,000,000 dollar bonus, on the condition that Caesar drastically change his last name.

Aries. The University will institute 8 o'clock classes as part of the new program of advanced standing. ("it's the early bird. . ." the administration spokesman will say.') After some outspoken words in the University Gazette, William Bentinck-Smith, special assistant to the President, will lead an expedition into the steam tunnels to find the lost Kirkland House maids. Dr. Norman Vincent Peale will move to California for missionary work, thereby quashing rumors that he was to be new dean of the Divinity School.

Taurus. Another U.S. Plane will be shot down. After a secret three-day session of the National Security Council at Augusta, Georgia, the Administration will announce that the nation will scrap the old scheme of massive retaliation for a new program of, in Mr. Dulles' words, "tit for tat." No sign of the maids yet, but Bentinck-Smith shouts up that he thinks he has found a likely donor for the new theatre.

Gemini. The Class of 1930 will vote not to hold a reunion, with one Alumni Association officer explaining, "Their class spirit just never seemed to jell." The liquor, already purchased, will be donated to the New York Mirror's list of the 100 seediest families.

Cancer. Federal authorities will crack down on the University's computation laboratory as the nerve-center of a nation-wide numbers racket. The Boston Post will print a series of twenty-six editorials criticising the University, after which John Fox will trade the paper for the Saturday Evening Post. "Better hours," Fox will explain. "I'm tired of being battered from pillow to Post."

Leo. CBS announces a new comedy television program starring Imogene Coca and John Fox. Henry Cabot Lodge will fly, with 20 other U.N. officials, to Peiping, protesting the imprisonment, since January, of Dag Hammerskold. In what will be termed "a regretable accident," their plane will be shot down. The National Security Council will hold an emergency meeting in Colorado Springs.

Virgo. A pall will settle over the University when the first crop of Advanced-Standees flunk out on placement tests. "We made a few mistakes," Dean Bundy will admit. "Those little beggars can be deceptive."

Libra. Three physicists will be suspended from Government atomic energy laboratories for refusing to believe in mesons. After suffering three straight losses, Princeton coach Charlie Caldwell will threaten to resign from the Ivy League and introduce three-platoon football, "just to be on the safe side." the Lampoon will suspend publication and will sell its building to an expanding submarine-sandwich eatery.

Scorpius. Boston will raise its subway fare to 25 cents, but will offer four tokens for a dollar. At the Harvard-Yale game, in the last quarter with Harvard leading 49-0, Yale Coach Jordan Olivar will be evicted from the Bowl for what officials will term "an obvious violation."

Sagitarius. New England legislators will call an end to daylight saving time when cows stop giving milk on account of darkness. Billy Graham will ask, in a press interview, "What's the Harvard Divinity School?" reducing considerably the odds on him as the new dean. A U.S. plane will be shot down.