The Queen's American

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, through its General Court assembled, is about to secede from the English-language. The Committee on Education is considering a bill "to increase patriotism and to create an appreciation of the American way of life by designating the language in common use as the American language."

Now, the members of the Committee on Education can recognize hypocrisy when they see it. They know that the language heard in the Commonwealth is no more related to the Queen's English than is Governor Dever to the Queen. What passes in the streets and subways as "English" is punctured with slang, idioms, and grammatical contortions.

As long as our citizens call their tongue "English," they will suffer from a lingual inferiority complex. Good Americans will feel a certain compunction to speak good English. This is not good for Patriotism. Americanism cannot thrive when its very mode of communication is branded with an alien label. Before America Became Great, there may have been some who secretly wished that the colonies might some day return to the Empire, but these men have long since disappeared. Their lingual crutch should go with them.

But the proposed bill does not go far enough. We respectfully suggest to the Committee that the name of the muffins served in Commonwealth cafeterias be changed to Toasted American, and the peculiar twist imparted to balls in Commonwealth pool halls be called "left-handed American."