Closed College Preaches Proper Paternalism

"Nostros pueros curamus (We take care of our boys)."

This is the motto of Closed College, and its administrators have been doing just that for over 230 years. As a result, no Closed student has even been hauled into court while the school is in session, nor for that matter is there any record of anyone who has broken any of the college regulations.

Closed College was formed in 1718 by a group of clam-diggers and oystermen from Mystic, Conn., who were alarmed at the irresponsible radicalism exhibited by the other colleges of the day. Chief among the earlier contributions to the infant institution was one of 654 pounds from Elihu Closed, an affluent London merchant, who little realized that his modest gift would result in the naming of the college in his honor.

Morality in a Fog

On the rocky and fogbound shore of colonial Mystic, the founding fathers constructed their college buildings, surrounded them by a high brick wall, and commenced to indoctrinate the callow youths of the area with a system of "sound moral principles."

Perhaps the most surprising thing about Closed is that it appears to be a college with no problems. For example, there is no student agitation about parietal rules, because there are no parietal rules. The wall around the school in big enough to keep out both women and the undesirable visitors who seek to write about and criticize the school.

"These reporters who come down here and want to write about Closed aren't interested in the facts," says president Harold E. McCarthy, "they're interested in making a sensation. They just get a few half-truths and run away with them. When we're looking for half-baked criticism, we'll ask for it."

As one might gather, Closed College is off-limits to the press. The only source of information is the publicity office. The graduates themselves are unwilling to say anything, and in fact generally leave the room whenever the name of Closed College is mentioned.

Hard to See Much

Observation of the college buildings is also worthless as a source of information because of the constant fog, and the fact that undergraduates are unwilling even to enter if they think someone is watching.

It is hard for the average college student to see why anybody would go to Closed College. Wags say that the sort of man whose parents send him to prep school because they don't trust him, goes to Closed if they still don't trust him.

The college states that men go to Closed because they realize there is one moral truth, and know that the rigorous physical and moral training offered by Closed will best equip them for getting ahead. Closed emphasizes this position by pointing out that nine out of ten undergraduates are the sons of graduates. The tenth is a man with less opportunity.

What Little is Known

From what can be placed together, the "facts" about Closed College are these: Freshmen enter its awesome brick buildings in September and never once leave it until the following June, when they are free to leave for vacation. Nevertheless, they may not talk about the college life or its methods to outsiders. There is little reason to talk about Closed with fellow students, because once having learned the one truth, further discussion of it is merely the repetition of truisms.

The faculty is composed entirely of former undergraduates. These individuals, usually the dregs of the class, go out into the world to adapt the principles of Closed College to the over-changing mores of the nation. Having accomplished this task, they return to their alma mater to relay the "word" is subsequent classes.

Inside their walled institution, both students and faculty live a Spartan existence. Such hardship, college authorities feel, is in keeping with their belief, that if a person is bigger and better than his fellow man, there is no need for him to use unctuous favor-seeking to gain his ends. The mind with power and purpose is the Closed mind, they feel.

We Have the Truth

President McCarthy puts it this way: "We think that all this bunk by Sigmund Fraud (sic) is just that. In this school we teach facts, the kind of facts you can't dispute, and techniques which have worked from today clear back to the year one.

"We give our boys the tools to do the job and the right attitude to use them. If they've got the stuff, they'll be big successes. If they don't, all the handshaking and back-slapping in the world won't get them any more than a sore elbow."