DOPE

News Bulletin: Single men will definitely be permitted to live off the station next semester. The Review--putting it mildly--was considered by Reviewing Officers to be highly successful. The Captain, Commander Collins, and Lieutenant Anderson were lavish with praise.

The following men were selected to occupy billets during the Semester leave: Michael J. Kingsley--New York Navy Purchasing Office; Lambert Kaspers--Thompsonville, Staton Island, New York; John A. O'Hara and Arthur A. Aschauer--Navy Aviation Supply Office and Depot, Philadelphia; Ben B. Graves--Bureau of Supplies and Accounts, Washington; Mortimer J. Roth--Commander, Air Force, Atlantic Fleet; and John E. Keery--Boston Navy -Yard.

Dining Delights

We've received so many threatening letters over the way we've dished sparkling satire around that we decided to write a peaceful and completely innocuous column this time. In all, the column will serve two other purposes: it will discredit those who have complained about Cowie Hall by pointing out the far-worse treatment handed out to diners at Bowser University, a western college, and it will thereby elevate in the opinions of all the enlightened administration of Harvard magnates.

Last spring, the following administrative memorandum was posted in the noble halls of Bowser University:

To: Students

From: Chief Dietician

Subject: Trays, the putting of into the kitchen

1. Students will

Inda Gestion

Dietician

Mild rioting followed the posting of this order. It died easily, however, after three ring-leaders were punished by forcing them to eat two helpings of the regular Friday lunch.

No More Trays

Hardly had tranquility returned to the Bowser Campus when a second directive was issued:

Subject: The Bowser Mortgage, financing of

1. The metal trays formerly used in the dining halls will be sold as scrap. Students will proceed down the serving line with hands outstretched.

2. Special pockets will be obtained for soup and other sloppy dishes.

No More Fuel

After the bodies of twenty-six students had been scraped off the Bowser Campus, normalcy again prevailed, but the following week:

Subject: Fuel, the saving of

1. Students will immediately procure matches and small twigs.

2. Food will henceforth be home-cooked by each student.

3. This will not only save fuel, but will provide self-reliance and make Bowser students a hardier and more resourceful race.

No More Food

Somewhat concerned over the drop in enrollment due to student deaths, Bowser officials decided to permit students to dine in the dining halls again. This thought was embodied in the subsequent memorandum:

Subject: Dining Halls, the return to and Food, the Saving of

1. Students will no longer be required to cook their meals. Dining hours will again be observed in the regular halls.

2. Food-because of war shortages--however, will not be served.

3. Vitamin pills and water will be distributed.

The mighty halls of Bowser still stand, and Bowser is still known all over the west as the greatest of halls of learning. It is unfortunate that Bowser has not students, but the Navy is expected to supply some in the near future.

* * *

We were greatly surprised after having submitted this column to learn that Harvard had adopted somewhat the same policy as Bowser. Naturally, therefore, rather than cause any embarrassment to our alma mater, we hastened to Leo the Printer with instructions to omit-our article. We returned thinking as was well. You can imagine how surprised we are to find that Leo knifed us.