DOPE

As will be noted from the afore-slung masthead, new management is come. Along with the new management is come new policy. In keeping with policy, we have revised no afore-slung column-title. Hereafter, nothing will be straight about his column but the border. We are working on that.

Future policy dictates first, that readers will be given the opportunity to test their mettle in such devious ways as minute mysteries, jiffy quizzes, thrilling contests with cash awards and other such fiendish devices as the nimble minds of your correspondents can concoct. Secondly, we plan a program of cultural advancement.

In the ware-time with the arts flung to lie winds, we propose to stand as pillars of protection with dissertations on sculpture, literature (prose and poesie), music, and ship-building (in bottles). Thirdly, we will keep our readers informed as to the exploits of Fearless Fosdick.

P.S. We will also supply any information which happens to fall our way.

La Verne and La Flange, interviewers Supreme

"Look, Professor Dupesceau," we said with our customary and fearless method of leaping directly into conversation. "Why's it that you, toast of cultured society, cream of intellectual circles, student and scholar divine, have accepted the menial and lowly rank of Seaman 14th Class? Is it your love of democracy, your desire to investigate life--even below the masses--that prompts you to such action?"

"Nope," said Professor Dupesceau nervously secreting a volume of "Plutarch's Lives" beneath his tunic.

"Is it then illusion, mere fantasy, mirage that plays trickery with our eyes reigning the vision of you, the famous historical, geographer, geophysicist, astronomer and Boy Scout in the guise of one so lowly?"

"Naw," guffawed the Professor in the fluent style of prose which had made his treatises on relativity and the sixth dimension a delight to read, "I likes dis mode of--life." ("What phraseology," murmured La Flange; "Divine," shrieked Laverne.)

The Hard Way

Then the Professor told of his meteoric rise from Admiral through Commander to Lieutenant (jg); the hard jump from Ensign to C.P.O. and finally to the post he now holds, Seaman 14th Class.

"But why, oh see into the impenetrable, knower of the unponderables?"

"Aha," said Dupesceau, darting a well-formed pink tongue at your correspondents, "have you ever longed to loll on the banks of the Charles?"

"Gad," gasped your correspondents, turning crimson at the thought of the forbidden fruit.

"or to avoid the long Cowie lines of student-officers, or to draw saved pay, or to have free nights of glorious liberty; or to miss calisthenics, marching and drill; to caper lightly over the tabooed greensward?"

Scribbes Slightly Stumped

"Yes," your correspondent sighed, realizing the true caginess of the wary Dupesceau, but you a B.A., a M.A., a B.S., a Ph.D., a S.K.M.C., don't you miss the society of learned men?"

"Shhhh," warned Dupesceau, lightly cutting a grassy caper in geometric circles where officers dare not tread; 'we're all geniuses--but don't tell them or they'll send us to Officers' Training School." Mast Report: Ensigns Laverne and a Flange have applied for a summary court martial.